So, How's it Going?

The first week of school went well, and there has been a break in the weather, so now it truly feels like fall is here.

It was a mash-up of emotions for us as we launched Margaret to high school on the 8th, which is the same day we lost Jack four years ago. Aren't you so proud of her for boldly stepping into this new phase of her life? We are!

We felt the prayers sent to lift us up and appreciated all of  your messages of support.  On the 8th, Tim and I stayed home from work, looked at pictures, and cried. Then we went out to lunch, and cried. It was good let ourselves do that. By the time Margaret got off the bus and needed to head to her field hockey game, we felt strong and ready to cheer her on to victory.

I was going to try to describe the sense of lack we feel, with Jack not being able to drive Margaret to school and show her the ropes. Of not having loud boys in the house anymore--  a band of brothers looking out for her. But it goes beyond the words I have. I must admit for those of you who have juniors in high school, which is what Jack would be now, I am NOT missing the stress of the workload he would be experiencing, but that's the only thing I'm not missing, that's for sure.

I guess my thought for today is that Jack is still Margaret's big brother.

I don't know how it works, but I know it's true. So when you remember him, in your heart and your mind's eye, could you try to picture him as a 16 year old, not a 12 year old? Because Jack hated to look young for his age, I find it a cruel irony that he has been frozen in time. As we move forward every day in hope, let's bring him with us, not leave him as a little boy.

The new image will be hazy around the edges. There will be blank spaces, as we don't know what changes he would have experienced as he grew.  But we do know that Jack was an excellent son and  brother. We do know he relished friends and laughter. So it's safe to bet there would be cute a instagram shot with Margaret jumping on his back for a photo op at the first home football game. We can picture him laughing beside us on the couch as we watch TV. Or cracking up at Charlie's puppy antics.  We can also imagine there would be ups and downs. Maybe he wouldn't even LIKE us very much right now.

But there would be love. There IS love. We know enough to know that, don't we?

p.s. If you are in the PA area, I will be speaking at Grove City College on Friday night at 6:30 in Harbison Chapel. I'd love to see you there!

Helping Someone Else-- That's Not Scary!

Sure feels like fall with the leaves turning, the chill in the air at Margaret's soccer games, and the terrifying traipse through the woods we took this weekend at a "haunted forest." Nothing like paying  to have strangers grab your ankles and chase after you with chainsaws. Still, it felt good to wear flannel, a puffy vest, and warm my buns by a blazing bonfire.

When I was thinking about how much money we spent this weekend, hoping to get scared, I started adding it up, plus the other "fall touches" around our house-- a wreath on the door, pumpkins real and fake, ample amounts of burlap decor, and candy for me this coming weekend,  and I wondered, "what am I doing RIGHT NOW to help someone else?" We have plans in the works for Christmas, with Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes, but what about NOW?

So, I headed over to Scary Mommy's page to see how her Thanksgiving Project fundraiser was going. So far 775 families will receive gift cards so that they can cook a holiday meal. I take the turkey, potatoes, and pie for granted at our house, but these families do not.

Reading the testimonials I was moved, once again, to support this wonderful cause, and make a difference for one family this Thanksgiving. When I checked back this morning, I saw that 690 families are on the waitlist and that number is climbing! These families are afraid, too, but it is a different kind of  fear than what I felt as I stumbled through the dark woods on Saturday night:

I know that things are tight for some of us this fall, and that there are many options when it comes to how we spend our money, but for those who are able to spare what would equal a few tickets to a haunted house, or dinner and a movie out, would you consider providing a Thanksgiving meal to a family in need? The Thanksgiving Project is a 501(c) charity.

THANK YOU!

Not Fall, Too!

I saw a gorgeous tree today with green and orange and red leaves, the first full glimpse I’ve had of fall, and it made me want to gouge my eyes out.

I thought, “Not fall, too, God! Not fall!” Because fall is my favorite time of the year with colorful leaves, the promise of a fresh start, new school supplies, pumpkins, sweater weather, and good hair days.

And truthfully, it has probably been my favorite because the other “popular” season, spring, was so brutal for so long. For me, having lost my mom in spring when I was 18, that season meant the pain of audaciously beautiful flowers, Mother’s Day, and Memorial Day— a season which obnoxiously insisted on glowing every year, despite the pain it represented. The fertile promise of spring seemed wasted on me. The pungent smell of soil, which used to entice me, just reminded me of loss.

It wasn’t until 12 years ago, when Jack came along and changed everything, that I was able to reclaim Mother’s Day as a day to rejoice. Mother’s Day? I was now a MOM! What an honor. What a privilege. And over the years, experiencing spring through the eyes of the kids, of buds and blossoms and rain puddles, I was able to enjoy the season again, too. Spring was Jack’s birthday, but was also my rebirth.

But now? Fall sucks. And Back to School? Not ever going to be a time of rejoicing for me, I don’t think.

So what does that leave me with? Summer? In Virginia? With frizzy hair, mosquitoes, humidity, and kids playing in the street late into the night, but not my kid? Of family vacations with one extra space in the room, on the couch, and at the table?

Or winter. Are you kidding me? Don’t even get me started on the short, bleak days, the ice storms, and…Christmas.

So the seasons and the cycles and all the things that make us look forward in anticipation? I’m not feeling it. At least not today. That glorious tree seems like a personal affront.

A "Fallen" Woman

Even though it was 91 degrees today I know FALL is here. Why? Because I just bought me a 1 lb 4 oz tub o’ candy corn! I’m ready to get down to business. I usually share 1 or 2 pieces w/ the kids then eat myself into a stupor.

Molly and Jake aren’t much into candy anyway, so there’s no compelling need to share. In fact Jake said yesterday when Molly wondered where her Halloween (and Valentines and Easter!) candy had gone, “Oh Mom ate it. We’re more into the getting and she’s more into the eating.” Oh so true.

I don’t really love the taste of candy corn, but it’s right up there w/ the smell of new school supplies and buying 2 big mums that I’ll kill within a month for ringing in the new season.

I usually limit myself to one big container of candy corn a year, but I wish the stores would hold off a little in stocking their shelves. If I start too soon, say August or the 1st week in September, I sort of forget about the gorge-fest by late October and opt for a repeat performance.

What says “fall” to you?