Friday, January 22, 2010

By a Thread

Just got back from getting my eyebrows threaded. I know I have shared with you before what a wimp I am about eyebrow threading. I grew increasingly nervous as I waited my turn, so I started some breathing exercises. By the time I sat down, I was feeling pretty composed.

Here’s what went through my head during the whole process:

(Eyes closed)
Ahhh! Oranges. I smell oranges. I love oranges. Oranges are sweet. I’m going to buy some oranges today. What did that Internet kid say? “I like turtles.” Yeah. This nice eyebrow lady is doing such a great job.

My shallow breathing is working. I can’t believe I feel so relaxed. I can handle anything.

Ow? Is someone going to steal my purse? What if this is a purse-stealing scam? Ow. I mean my purse is just sitting on the floor in the middle of the mall. Ow! Have I seen anything about this on Dateline?

Holy crap this hurts!

Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop!!!!
Mommy Mommy (dead for 22 years) Mommy!!!!!

Ewww. Eyebrow Lady has the thread in her mouth. What disease could I get from this?

(Digging nails into palms) Ow! Ow! Ow!

B.O. B.O. I can smell B.O. It’s a trace, but it’s there. B.O. Tom would say there’s no B.O., but men can’t smell worth crap.What happened to the oranges? I liked the oranges!

Breathe, Anna. Don’t forget to breathe.
Aaah! I think I’m starting to cry. Sheesh, I'm crying.
What is this sadistic eyebrow lady doing to me?

Sadistic Eyebrow Lady: “You want tissue?”
Me: shakes head and whimpers
Tissue? Tissue? I want morphine drip!

Jesus Loves Me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
She’s got to be almost finished. 5 minutes, my rear! I’ve been in this chair at least an hour and my purse is probably long gone. Ow! Crap! Crap. Crap?

Okay, she seems to be tapering off. I can quit crying. I’m going to be okay.Thank you, Jesus.

(Looking in handheld mirror at my much-improved brows and mascara down both cheeks)

Me: “Thank you very much; they look great”

Sadistic, Insensitive, 20-Something Eyebrow Lady:
“Do Lip Hair Next?”



Vanessa said...

So they actually stick you??

Kristina P. said...

I've been wanting to try this. Probably not anymore.

Lynn said...

Please explain why this is a better method than say, waxing or plucking. Seriously.

Quilting in My Pyjamas said...

While I empathise with your pain, I have to say I've just spent 3 minutes totally cacking my pants with laughter at your post.

Thanks for sharing. Anyone who can make me laugh before my second cup of coffee is a legend!

Tracie said...

I've always wanted to try this. Is it more effective than waxing?

Brenda Susan said...

So so funny! I am sitting here impressed with your purty brows but cracking up at the horrible process you went through!
You took us there with you in this inner monologue, I loved it! In fact my eyes may be tearing up with pain even now...must not think about it anymore!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Apparently this is better than waxing - but it sounds like torture to me. You are a brave woman...

Masala Chica said...

threading is the best - i always get the cleanest lines and my eyebrows look awesome afterwards.

As for the threader saying that about your lip hair, one time I went to get my eyebrows waxed and the nice vietnamese lady said, "Oh you want me do lip too? vewy haiwy.."
So I said, really? Ok, whatever. And I said go for it. Next she says - "oh you want, i do chin too? you have beard." and i was like - what?!! no i don't.

Now, perhaps I am hirstute, but i swear - I do not have one chin hair. they will always try to upsell you. and you will always feel like a hairy gorilla while in their grasp.

Shana said...

If it's any consolation, your brows look awesome in the photo.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Okay, thank goodness I'm not the only one who's noticed that they put the thread in their mouths. That is just NASTY. I would not go there again. I saw some woman at the mall doing that and I was like, 'Wait, did she just pull that thread out of her MOUTH???'

I mentioned that to someone, and they were like, 'you must be mistaken. A professional would never put something in their mouth that they're going to put on your face.'


Still, it's nice to know I wasn't seeing things.

But, if it's any consolation, you look fabulous! Here's to healthy eyebrows!!!

Deidra said...

I've watched the threading in the mall. The piece of thread in the mouth thing always throws me off...

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

I had to youtube it.

I have been having some laser hair removal. Talk about HOLY CRAP PAIN! Oh my goodness.


Anna See said...

One of the reasons I thread rather than wax is that waxing always gives me zits between my brows and on my forehead. By the time the acne clears up, I have bushy brows again. Anyway, I woke up to zits this morning so I'm not sure which one I'll choose next time.

AnastasiaSpeaks said...

It looks good!

Any fulling out of body hair is gonna hurt but at least you got someone that knew what she was doing.

sokphal said...

I like threading better than waxing! Your brows do look great though! :)

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Miss Mustard Seed said...

So funny. I've never had that done. I just pluck my own...your post is not making me want to give it a try, either. Although, they look great!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! And now, no thank you, I shall pass on that particular variety of torture. You look gorgeous, though, so it must be worth it. And you still have your purse, right?


EatPlayLove said...

I'm one of those odd birds that just simply plucks the eyebrow hairs as they grow in, like daily. I don't know how you do it. Btw, you certainly didn't convince me the threading is the better way to go!

Leslie said...

I laughed, but when I got to you singing Jesus Loves Me, I started laughing so hard I almost cried.

That was awesome.

Glennon said...

i HATE it when they look at me all concerned and ask if i want my lip done next. so embarrassing.
you look just lovely! worth the pain.

dearheart said...

As she was perming my hair for the eighty-gazillionth time, my hairdresser mom would always say, "pain before beauty." I was never convinced....

Ali said...

I have been wanting to try this! LOVE your thoughts... we think quite a bit alike... scary and comforting...

K a b l o o e y said...

You suffered so we could laugh! You are a blogmartyr, and I thank you for that sacrifice. But wait, your brows DO look great, so you may not be a real martyr. Regardless, I empathize. I tried it once, it hurt way more than waxing and was much more prolonged. And how about that passive-aggressive lip hair comment. I hope the 20-something grows curly chin hairs when she's my age. (Wait, that was mean. Then again, so was she.) In all fairness, I don't think the most skilled practitioners of the "art" ply their trade in mall kiosks. And I hope they don't do bikini threading.

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Chicago Mom said...

Looks good!!

vawriter said...

Did I miss something? Did you sit in a Mercedes while being threaded? I surfed in because of Leslie's great blog, which I have just begun following. She makes me laugh out loud and so do you! I can so identify with the "inch of gray" concept, especially since I went RED in a vain attempt to bring color to a cold and snowy winter. The eyebrow hairs that have strayed to my chin do not match, and I am (for the very first time in my life) having to augment eyebrows with pencil rather than pluck. Nobody warns you about this stuff when you're young.

Dee said...

I laughed so hard when I read this! Not At you but With you. hheee. These crazy thought are the very reason I can't mind is full of them, and it's exhausting! Sometime over coffee I will tell you about the time there was hot wax dripped well somewhere it shouldn't and the aftermath that ensued.

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Fox Hollow Cottage said...

Oh threading is a dream. Yep. The eyes water no matter what. But it looks so smooth after, and feels even better!