The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

I’ve been thinking a lot about projecting these days. I don’t mean projecting my voice or projecting sales figures, but projecting my worries and fears onto my kids’ futures.

It’s easy to feel as if each and every decision we make sets our kids on the course for the rest of their lives. And our parenting screw-ups? We may joke about them, but I know I can’t be the only one who feels that when I not doing such a great job there could be long term repercussions.

Tom and I have been listening to parenting cd’s by a guy name Kirk Martin for about a year now. His company is called Celebrate Calm. He tells parents that they can’t control their kids, only themselves and their reactions to their kids. I just love this guy.

He tells parents not to project their fears about the future onto their kids, because kids will grow and change. “Just because your 9 year old wants to sit around playing video games all day does not mean he’ll be living in the basement playing video games all day when he’s 28.” Whew.

With the big school decision that has hijacked much of Tom’s and my summer (okay, my summer), I’ve been doing more than my share of projecting.

For instance, if we let introverted Jake stay at his small private Christian school, will we be setting him up for failure when he needs to adapt to a large public junior high and high school? Will choosing the best place for him right now set him up for anxiety, depression and being stuffed into lockers when he is older? Will he become a Republican? Tom, I'm kidding about that last one, sort of.

And would taking Molly out of her small private Christian school now, when she’s open to the idea of public school (Bells? Buses? Yay!) render her lost in a sea of 28 faces, never again to get individual attention? Will learning be a thing of the past? Will she think we sold her out to save $8,000 a year?

Will severing her ties to the world of plaid jumpers and American Girl dolls send her to seek attention in the wrong ways ending up with a saga reminiscent of “Girl, Interrupted” at worst and “Juno” at best? Will depriving her of Latin at a young age mean she’ll never be able to chat about etymology with the rest of the fam?

Yeah, my kids have had to live with a crazy, indecisive, worrying mom this summer.

I have great kids. Not easy kids, but great kids. I hate to say this but they are such great kids and so utterly the right kids for me that I have moments when I pity other moms because they didn’t get mine.

But can they tell this, or do they pick up on all my anxiety and my inner projections?

Maybe I worry for the sake of worrying?

"Hurry up. Slow down. Go talk to that person. Make a friend. Be a friend. Smile. Make eye contact. Think of others first. Get good grades. Try out for the team. Talk. Quit talking." And on and on it goes…

I remember when we took Jake to see Santa when he was 3.

Santa: “Have you been a good boy?”
Jake: “A little bit.”

It kind of broke my heart.

I mean, really. What 3 year old is NOT going to lie to Santa and say he was perfect? What 3 year old kid is not going to believe he was perfect? Apparently mine.

And at bedtime a few weeks ago, snuggled close in the dark, saying prayers and talking, when I whisper to Jake that this bright, sensitive, tender, funny and dear kid has a very bright future, I feel a lone tear trickle out of his eye onto my cheek. He says nothing.

I don’t think our kids need our projecting. They have enough of their own going on, most of which we’ll never know.

Lazy for You...

I went to bed mad and woke up furious. I am mad at Tom, and at me. I just can’t deal with the fact that we can’t seem to get important things done. We continually say, “We really need to talk about X, Y, or Z,” but we’d much rather stare blankly at the computer screen or a Yankees game until bedtime than actually come to a decision about anything.

We are both youngest children. Our pastor told us before we got married that it could cause problems, and he was right. Both of us expect someone else to take care of things.

What woke me up so pissed at 5 this morning? We still haven’t decided where to send the kids to school next year! Our payment to our current (private) school? Was due May 1.

The thing is, I don’t want to blindly pay and keep doing the same-old same-old for the 5th year in a row without even considering the alternative, our neighborhood school which is ranked the 4th best in the entire state. Could we have gone to the special open house for the school and for the GT center? Sure, but it was May 6. LOSERS!

Somehow we’ve managed to go on 3 trips, and muddle through the countless demands of everyday life, but we haven’t sat down to figure out where to send the kids and summer’s a wastin.’ The kids are in limbo, which is stressing them out.

I feel as if I’ve done my part by getting the kids tested for academic level, by gathering information, and talking to people, but I am NOT sure what’s best and I’m NOT comfortable making this decision on my own. I have prayed for clarity, but haven't gotten any yet. A friend of mine said, “NO decision IS a decision.” Story of our lives.

What I saw as Tom’s easy-going attitude when we fell in love now seems passive and annoying, and I've got enough passive and annoying myself to carry us through.

And although this kid/school issue is the biggest one we are facing right now, there are numerous other examples of our total suckiness.

Leaky toilet? We’ve got one. Can’t wait to see the water bill. New Shed in the back yard? It has existed only in our minds for the past 6 years. Disney Cruise we promised the kids when they were 4 and 6? Dream on, TWEENS! Anything with the remotest amount of complication or struggle or involving detailed conversation? No one wants to tackle it around here.

I was incredulous when our IT guy at work helped me out today. His whole life revolves around what Tom and I hate—trouble shooting, decision-making and problem solving. “It’s just one great big puzzle to me!” he said with a big smile on his face. Meanwhile, I wanted to curl up on the floor in the fetal position.

I’ve always been amazed by take-charge people—people of action. Need I remind you it took Tom and me 5 years to decide to get married? I have friends who have decided on and gotten divorces in the time it takes us to call a darn electrician. Seriously.

And tougher issues? Some if not all of the inhabitants of this house would probably benefit from some sort of therapy, but unless a therapist parachutes into our living room unannounced, it just ain’t going to happen. Referrals? Co-pays? Research? Not our thing.

I have secretly worried that if one of us becomes seriously ill, the other will say, “Well, he/she led a nice life,” instead of digging deep and fighting for the best doctors, the best treatment, and the best care. I really wish I were kidding.

I am convinced that if Shadow the dog hadn’t fallen into our laps via my sister, there would be no canine in our house, although we had “talked about it” for two years prior. And our non-existent 3rd child? Ditto.

It’s just so easy to get caught up in the day to day—where the kids need to be and when, what to eat, what our job and church obligations are—that we fail to look at the big picture. Big goals, big dreams, big decisions. The good news is, we are pretty content little picture people, and we tend to enjoy the moment, but I think we could benefit greatly from a visionary in our house.

Or at least someone who would make a gyno appointment for me.