That Stinks: How to Lose Friends and Un-influence People

So, I'm still in computer Hades right now. Most of these problems stem, I believe, from the big storm last week. I'm a firm believer in turning computers off to "let them rest" before trying them again, mostly because I have no other computer skills up my sleeve, so there's been a lot of that going on. And some cursing. I also managed to spam (and possibly lose) many of my friends by sending them a blank email when I was trying to let them know about a fabulous jewelry party/charity fundraiser I'm having in Jack's memory. More on that later (p.s. you're all invited!)

The other thing going on is my dealing with an incredibly stinky dog. I scrubbed the little drip pan under the fridge (did you know you have one?), freshened up my garbage disposal, and emptied all of the trash cans in the house before I convinced myself that the horrible odor in the house was either me, or the canine who follows me around so closely she might, as well be up my...you know. When I took a whiff of her back, it smelled like decaying animals. Nice.

We took a pleasant (not really) bath together and I used all manner of products to get her de-smellified. Yes, I was IN the tub with her because it was the only way to get her in. That, plus some Meaty Morsels.

I spent extra time at work today hoping the smell would continue to abate while I was gone. Unfortunately, as soon as I got home, the dog ran to the side yard and started rolling in...you guessed it...animal carcass. Just can't BEAR to take another bath with her, so for now I've spritzed her with dog shampoo spray and I'm trying to keep my distance, which is impossible.

We have a lot more to catch up on, my friends, but for now could I just ask for your prayers? The past few days have been hard emotionally, for reasons that have nothing to do with technology or smelly pets.

Thanks and Love!

Universal Language

Lots to write about, but can't seem to get computers to cooperate these past few days. It's not like I'm asking for much, just to send a few emails and blog a bit. My frustration level is about where it was in the late 80's in the college computer lab, cursing my floppy disks.

So in the interest of keeping it short and sweet, this is from Margaret in the backseat of the car:

"Everybody always says music is the 'universal language'(scornful voice and air quotes) but that's not true. We all know Potty Talk is."

Indeed.

Word to the Wise

I was spellchecking my blog recently when the words “J.C. Penney” got flagged. I don’t expect all proper nouns to make it through, but guess what handy alternative the computer offered me? “Japanned.” This sounded weird and vaguely racist, so I looked it up online. If you are unfamiliar with the word, here goes:

Japan –verb (used with object)
5.
to varnish with japan; lacquer.

6.
to coat with any material that gives a hard, black gloss.

I think my spell-check is pretty snooty for suggesting an obscure lacquer technique from the 18th century. As if I don’t feel intellectually inferior enough spending my days writing about diarrhea and cellulite, now I have to be shown up by my own spell-check. Hello? I guess J.C. Penney is a bit too pedestrian for its tastes.

This reminded me of a crazy thing that happened to Tom with his Blackberry last summer. He was branching out business-wise and needed an office manager. He approached me, “Anna, do you know of a stay-at-home mom who might like to get into the business world by working part-time while her kids are in school?” When I stopped waving my arms yelling, “Pick me! Pick me!” I recommended my friend Jane for the job.

Before Jane’s interview, Tom got stuck on a business trip and needed to reschedule. He emailed her from the airport on his Blackberry. When he typed, “We are stuck in California,” his Blackberry immediately changed it to, “We are stuck in validpenis.” Tom was not aware that “validpenis” was an acceptable substitute for California, so he didn’t bother proofreading his message. For good measure, he signed off with, “I’ll contact you when I get back from “validpenis.”

Someone had put this little glitch in the Blackberry software. When Tom returned from, ahem, CALIFORNIA, he re-read the email and nearly died. He was mortified. I almost wet my pants laughing. We didn’t know what to do. Should he explain to Jane during the interview that he wasn’t a perv, or would it too inappropriate to even have the word “penis” floating around during a job interview? Should he pretend that nothing happened, in case she hadn’t read her email closely? Perhaps she would think it said, “Valparaiso?” I encouraged him to ignore the situation entirely.

Tom said nothing, and Jane took the job. About a month later, over a glass of wine, I broached the subject with Jane. She had, indeed, noticed the offending word right away when she read her email.

For a few moments she stared at her computer screen with a serious case of the heebs. She lamented the fact that working for a weirdo wouldn’t be the best way to jumpstart her transition back into the workforce. She wondered how the wholesome See family could harbor such a sicko in its midst. She wondered how to break it to me, her good friend, that my hubby made Clarence Thomas look as tame as a beanie baby.

Then Jane did something I never would have thought of: she Googled “validpenis.” Jackpot. In an online chat about phones was mention of how this Blackberry keypad turned the word California to “validpenis.”

Whew! Technology got us into this crisis and technology quickly got us out. I don’t know whether today’s blog proves we are smarter than computers or they are smarter than we are, but when I spell-check it in a moment, I’m curious as to what choices it’s going to give for “validpenis.” California, perhaps?