Shoulder Taps

I shared a short video on Facebook about "Shoulder Taps" last week.

Generally,  I DO NOT LIKE strange men coming up to me and commenting on my appearance-- ICK-- but I believe this man was moved by the Holy Spirit to approach an elderly woman, and it ended up being exactly what she needed to comfort her in her grief.

Several times in my life I have felt a strong urging to say something to someone, to pay for someone's meal, to give a word of encouragement, and I pushed through the discomfort because somehow I knew the urge did not come from me.

I thought I'd share an example of someone reaching out to me, that I don't think I've written about before.

Lady Jennie, a writer who lives in Paris, supported me big-time following Jack's death. She is now a dear friend, and we've had the opportunity to spend time together in NY and in my home (alas, not Paris-- yet!)

Shortly after Jack died, Jennie was studying her Bible and praying when she felt a nudge to share something with me.

It was a rather obscure Bible verse from the book of Isaiah. Weir-d.

But not so weird that I wasn't open to it.

Remember when my little Margaret felt a similar prompting? If you go back and read this post from before the accident you will be BLOWN AWAY when you consider it in light of what happened a few weeks later. (Note: I used to call Jack and Margaret Jake and Molly on the blog for privacy)


This is what Lady Jennie sent to me, a stranger, after feeling the strong urge to do so:

"Though you were ruined and made desolate
and your land laid waste,
now you will be too small for your people,
and those who devoured you will be far away.
The children born during your bereavement
will yet say in your hearing,
'This place is too small for us;
give us more space to live in.'"

Isaiah 49:21


Lady Jennie and I didn't know that within two years we would move, an action that was painful and would make zero financial sense but would get us out of a difficult living situation and allow us space to heal. No, our house isn't much bigger-- but our world has grown to include new friends and new opportunities.

She and I didn't know that in 4 1/2 years I would have an unplanned geriatric pregnancy that would result in sweet Andrew joining the family. And yes, in light of this verse I did wonder if Andrew would be twins!

While the verse didn't make sense to me at the time, it helped reinforce what was becoming clear even in, no, especially in, those early days of raw grief-- there was more going on than I could see and understand. In Virginia, in Paris, in Heaven. In many ways this helped me stay still and just TRUST, even when life felt desolate and ruined.

Trust that the right people would reach out to comfort me.
Trust that there was a plan for my life, even to expand it when it felt so diminished and depleted. Trust that somehow the deep, deep pain I felt would not always be so sharp.
Trust that the same God who told Margaret "You are MINE" and kept her safe by the creek, attentively loved and cared for Jack just as much.

We hear a lot about people making unsolicited comments to others, especially about parenting.

Ugh.

I think a good test could be whether we feel compelled to say something because it makes us feel superior, powerful, or it serves us somehow. Believe me, now that I have a toddler again, I am in situations regularly for people to HOLD THIER TONGUES when they see me parent in public.

I'm guessing Jennie didn't feel superior when she sent these verses to me. She probably felt vulnerable and a bit weird.  But she reached out anyway.

Whether you want to call it a nudge, a shoulder tap, or a prompting of the Spirit, I'm so glad she paid attention.

God Wink: Doves

I went down to the basement with Andrew early Sunday morning. Toys were everywhere from his playtime with Daddy the night before. I picked up dozens of Hot Wheels cars, tossing them back into their bin. I knew that cleaning up didn't make a whole lot of sense because the day was VERY young, and the toys would be used again and again in the next 13 hours.

Is it terrible to already be thinking of bedtime before you've had your first cup of tea?

The plastic train bin was dumped as well.

I'd debated pulling out all of Jack's trains for Andrew. I remember what a HUGE deal it was to anticipate and plan for each one. Each new train represented a holiday or milestone in his young life. If Andrew started out with a complete set of Thomas trains, all jumbled in a bin, they would never be as special as they were to Jack, who slept with the train catalog under his pillow. When things come too easily for us, it's hard to appreciate them.

I remember how Jack would quiz me on each train's name and number, and after all these years, I still know them. The funniest memory was when he convinced us there was a train named Scarbuffle, Number 17. Scarbuffle was one of the gang and was included in all of our Jack's quizzes and train stories, but he existed only in Jack's mind. It was fun to realize that such a structured, orderly kid had an imagination too.

I decided to give Andrew all of Jack's trains, because I know something else will take hold of his passion-- whether it's trucks, superheroes, or something else entirely. To him, the trains can be just regular toys.

Sunday, after I tossed all of the trains back into their plastic bin, I felt something sharp under my bare feet. I wasn't surprised to see that there had been debris in the bottom of the bin. We haven't been in baby mode for many years, so I've had to be vigilant about sniffing out tiny vehicle tires, screws, and legos from our old toys before Andrew can put them in his mouth.

I bent down to scoop up the tiny sharp objects, before they attracted his attention. They were small and white, shaped like hearts or birds, but what WERE they? Puppy teeth? Mouse bones?

Immediately it clicked.

They were the white DOVES that come out of sand dollars when they are cracked open. Technically, they're the sand dollar's teeth, but according to the legend of the sand dollar, they represent doves that  stand for peace or goodwill.

Jack's trains had been closed up in a bin for a very long time, perhaps a decade or more. I assume the doves are from when I must have shared the legend of the sand dollar with the kids at some point. I'll have to ask Margaret. She remembers everything.

How interesting and fun to discover these little doves when Andrew dumped the trains.

Years later.

A different house.

Same love.

Birds. Peace. Trains. Jack.

Thanks for the God-wink!

Bird

So, as most of you know, Jack said his first word when he was ridiculously young. I thought it was when he was 6 months old, but when I looked it up in his baby calendar last night, I see it was a few days after her turned 7 months. He started imitating a hand motion I made when I changed his diaper under his origami bird mobile, and then he said it aloud. He was VERY pleased with himself.

Here he is making the cute motion:

It became a fixture in our house. People would think he was so clever to know how to wave, but he was really just saying bird.

Well, at the beginning of October, when Andrew turned 6 months old, he started making the same hand motion. It was so darn cute! He would stare at his hand and do the royal wave. He entertained himself in church, in the car, and around the house. Of course, it reminded us so much of Jack, and felt like real God-wink. Even when Andrew would awake at night due to being sick, he would thrust his hand in the air and do his little wave.

I've been wanting to share this with you, with the caveat that we are NOT trying to make Andrew into a little Jack. It has just been so fun to watch. We say "bird" when he does it, but to Andrew, it probably means something entirely different that we haven't decoded yet. It comes and goes.

It was very special to have him do it last weekend when Tim's parents were in town, because he could show Grandma Mary-- a huge bird lover who helped Jack get into birds in the first place. Here they are, looking very serious as they check out our feeder together:

This past weekend the weather was even better, and we were able to be outside quite a bit more, which Andrew enjoyed. He is still battling congestion, so sleep is not great, but the smiles help everyone!

Happy Monday!?!

p.s. Have you entered my jewelry giveaway?

You Never Know

Last night I had the chance to deliver a 1 minute speech at a Hub Dot event. If you haven't heard of Hub Dot, check this out. It was so inspiring! I loved the chance to connect with a bunch of awesome women. My brief message: Wisdom/Insight out of pain comes at such a high price. If you have a changed perspective, direction, greater faith, or a new mission that has come out of pain, don't waste it. Share it with someone who may need to know what you know now.

So, as I entered the event I saw a woman who looked and sounded familiar. After I pried a little, I found out she was someone I had last seen when I was 18 years old, the summer my mother died of a brain aneurysm at age 46. I waitressed at the restaurant where she had formerly worked, trying to keep my mind off of our sad and empty-feeling house until I could escape back to college. I was skeptical that this could be the same Lisa, because apparently she'd found the fountain of youth.

Well, when I introduced myself, she remembered me immediately and told me that she had spoken at the last Hub Dot event about changing the direction of your life, and how important mentors are in the process. She said that as she told her story to the crowd, she got emotional speaking of a mentor who had helped her shift gears into a very successful floral business that lasted over 20 years.

That mentor was my mother!

Mom had gotten to know Lisa as our frequent waitress at the restaurant we went to at least twice a week throughout my high school years when Mom decided that she'd cooked enough dinners to last a lifetime. In the last year or so of her life, Mom helped Lisa see new possibilities for her future.

I was amazed that after almost 28 years gone, my mother was still impacting people, and that her legacy was as fresh to Lisa today as it was when she was a young waitress all those years ago.

I know that my greatest fear as a bereaved mother is that Jack will be forgotten, especially because he had such a short time here and a very limited sphere. But talking to Lisa last night made me realize we NEVER know whom we are influencing, and in what way.

It seemed to dovetail so nicely with the theme of the evening which was about helping others through our own experiences. That can be through writing books, raising money, starting non-profits, and being advocates, but it can also take the form of quiet conversations in the booth of a local diner, helping someone dream bigger, and walking beside them while they do.

"Oh, Anna," Lisa said, "You have to meet my daughter!"
She called a gorgeous young woman over.
"Her middle name is Margaret, named after your mom."

****
P.S. If you are local to the Northern Virginia area, I'd LOVE IT if you could join me on Sunday, Feb 7 at Trinity Presbyterian Church in Herndon. I'll be speaking about Embracing the Mystery of God in Difficult Times. The event is FREE, includes a yummy lunch, AND you'll still be home for the Super Bowl! 12:30-2 pm, with an optional time just for women afterward to reflect and connect from 2-3:30. Hope to see you there! If you are on Facebook, here's a link to the event. https://www.facebook.com/events/792178110888177/

God Wink

I had the honor of speaking at First Presbyterian Church of Richmond, VA on Tuesday night. The topic was "Embracing the Mystery of God during Hard Times." I don't always speak about God at events. I also share my thoughts on writing, issues women face, and of course, grief. Usually it's a little bit of everything. I was a tad nervous about sharing so openly about faith because I figured there were a lot of grieving people there, and I don't ever want to come across as trying to push my beliefs on someone else, especially someone who is hurting. So, I just decided to do what seems to work best-- be myself-- and hope for the best.

I appreciated the warm hospitality, the thoughtful questions, and the stories that people shared with me during the book signing portion of the evening. As I had guessed, there were many people in that room, are there are in this blog space, who are dealing with great challenges with tenacity and grace.

Yesterday, I was home on my computer watching the video from the night before to make sure I hadn't said anything too annoying or off-putting. Tell me I'm not the only one who goes home from a party, event, or casual interaction and second guesses every darn word!

At 21 minutes into the video, I said this regarding Jack's death: "I wasn't sure whether I could survive the loss of Jack." I hoped those words conveyed just how ludicrous and impossible and painful it seemed to me at the beginning that I'd have to go on living without him.

The moment I said it, my computer, which had sat dormant for too long as I watched, switched to screen saver mode. During this mode, random images scroll across my screen. They could be family pictures, clip art, quotes I like, or pictures of boy bands Margaret has downloaded.

This is what came up when I said "I wasn't sure I could survive the loss of Jack"

Way Cool.