What's in Anna's Head

So I've written before about some of the crazy stuff that goes on in my head.

Like when I wake up and think maybe, just maybe, I've lost 10 lbs in the night. Then I step on the scale and become, well, genuinely disappointed.

How if I get an email or a phone call that indicates that someone "needs to talk" to me, I immediately assume I'm being fired, chastised, blamed or upbraided for some unknown offense.

Or how when I was all of 10 or 11 years old, I'd keep my movie ticket stubs in case I needed to prove my whereabouts if hauled into the police station for some crime I didn't commit. This from a pre-pubescent girl with a Dorothy Hamill haircut and terry cloth jumpsuit.

Or when I'm at an awards ceremony and hear, "The next recipient knows what it's like to grow up a poor, African-American boy in rural Alabama..." and I'll think, "ME? Could it be? Me!!"

Or how whenever someone didn't want to date me, I'd just assume he was gay. Not that this didn't happen to me a few times over the years (Hello, Ill-fated Study Abroad romance!) but it certainly couldn't have been true EVERY time. Could it?

Well, lately I'd kind of convinced myself that one of my friends, who wasn't ever available to hang out with me, must be suffering from debilitating depression, and/or agoraphobia. How else could she possibly stand not being graced by my presence or that of my charming family? Let me tell you it's kind of hard to keep this fiction going when she seems to have a rather full and fulfilling life even without my taking a central role in it.

So, on this beautiful Friday, I'm just wondering if anyone else is up for sharing some of the weird/unfounded/narcissistic stuff that pops into your head?

Anyone?

Crickets.

It's All about Me, Right?

So I was having a fabulous dinner with college friends this weekend when one of them mentioned a guy I dated a bit in college. She had seen him on Facebook. I continued eating my salad, but all I could think of was “Holy Batman! He’s on Facebook?!”

After nearly 20 years of nary a peep and zero updates through friends, I now had a chance to see how he’d been doing. Most other exes of mine are still friends. Tom and I go on double dates with a guy I dated for 2 years and his wife. One lives 2 doors down . Several came to our wedding.

But this one was different. He was the last guy I dated before Tom. He was at a tough time in life when he just seemed rudderless, and I worried about him. We had no closure, as we were just “hanging out,” and then one day we weren’t.

Earlier, when I dated a guy who didn’t seem that into me, I was secretly relieved when he later informed me he was gay. So, I think I tried to convince myself that if THIS guy hadn’t really hung around, captivated by my sparkling personality and inescapable beauty, he must be gay, too. File that under “Narcissistic” please.

Anyhoo, I had wondered over the years, because although I had been able to see other exes find their way, establish careers, and start families—I had heard NOTH-ing about him.

Well, upon my Facebook perusing, I see that not only is he NOT gay (hot wife, adorable kids—I know there are exceptions to this, but still…) he has established a great career in a town where you don’t have to wait a freakin' hour to get into the parking garage to go to a darn movie (just venting here), and he appears to have a fantastic quality of life.

During my Facebook stalking (PLEASE tell me he has not yet discovered the “See Who Has Been Viewing Your Profile” function!) I had mixed emotions.

You see, a wee little part of me fantasized that he’d be miserable because he didn’t have me to give his life meaning and purpose. File under "Narcissistic part deux," please.

Because I had neither seen him nor heard from him, in my mind he was still that endearing yet confused 22 year old needing someone to help him. I had stuck him in a box, but he had obviously crawled out of it a looooong time ago, while I went right on worrying. And, really, he was never mine to worry about in the first place.

Have you ever put someone in a box, or in a corner ("Nobody puts Baby in a corner!") only to be surprised when they didn't stay there? Has anyone done this to you?