Monday, January 18, 2010

Let's Hear it FROM the Girl!

My husband Tom is darn lucky to have me.

I know I have shared on this blog about his hotness, his love for cooking, and what a great father he is. I mean, he was taking the kids to art museums before I was even comfortable taking them to the grocery store.

But still, he owes me big time. What I lack in the culinary arts, I make up for in bluntness and openness. Tom is introverted, shy, and buttoned up. For him, discussion is to be avoided at all costs. As in, if you don’t discuss something, the issue might just go away.

Several years ago he introduced Jake to the birds and the bees. This is Jake’s take on it, “Dad says that if a woman gets too close to a man, microscopic creatures go from his body to hers and then they have a baby.” Good, as far as it went, but certainly not enough to get the kid through Junior High.

I knew the next level of conversation would have to come from me, preferably under the cover of darkness. You see Jake is an introvert, too, but he is also a night owl. I have discovered that bedtime, in the dark, is the best way to talk about his feelings, or anything that has happened during the day. He does not want to go to sleep, so he is usually up for conversation.

Therefore, I sprung the topic at bedtime.

I am dying to share the award-winning curriculum of
Sex Ed, An Inch of Gray Style, but I also don’t want to get any creepy search engine hits.

So, bear in mind that although Anna See is usually blunt, open, and ever so calm when discussing these valuable topics with her offspring, particularly under the cover of darkness, and that she almost always uses proper medical terminology, she will need to edit herself carefully for Google’s sake.

S.E.A.I.O.G.S Lessons 1 and 2:

Female Anatomy
Male anatomy, textbook and slang terms
Function of male anatomy
Hormonal fluctuation
The woman who became a man, married a woman, and had a baby (Thanks Guinness Book!)
Dreams that are not dry
Ons that are not soft
How to carry a book or a jacket to disguise an On that is not soft
How much?
How long?
How often?
Premarital sex
Immodest clothing
Suggestive dancing

S.E.A.I.O.G.S. Upcoming Lesson 3:

That all this may sound weird but it is truly a special, wonderful gift. Just don’t read blogs because you might get the idea that a lot of moms wish they could exchange this gift for a nice long nap, a Diet Dr. Pepper and a pedicure.

You owe me, Tom! I’d say you are in charge of telling Molly, but that would just be too cruel, to both of you.

P.S. I’m also available for Birthday parties and Bar Mitzvahs.


Lynn Kellan said...

Could you explain the "woman who became a man, married a woman, and had a baby" thing to me? I still don't get it!!

purejoy said...

wow. that is a very thourough curriculum! i was the main educator in our family, mostly because boy wonder and i just talk all the time anyway, so it was super natural. having a real open line of communication has always been a big bonus for us.
he's 20 now and about 1.5 years into his first dating experience. so far so good.

and i've got the ear of his girl, too.

but i'd agree with lynn. . . what the heck is up with the man/woman/baby thing?? yikes on a stick.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

THIS is hilarious!!!

I love "Ons that are not soft"

And "suggestive dancing" cracked me up.

And sorry to say it - but I'll take that nap and a diet dr pepper any day...

Christy said...

OMG I'm laughing out loud at my desk. Trying to stay quiet so I don't wake my sleeping baby. SOOO FUNNY ANNA. How to carry a jacket...hahahahaha! Brilliant. And what does the tag 'no more profile pix' mean?!

Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

Hi Christy: No more profile pics means that I just took a look at that wedding pic and realized I should only be photographed from the front to hide my honking nose.

Masala Chica said...

Anna - you guys are so beautiful. That picture looks like its from a freaking movie. No fair!

Your hubs reminds me of Jake Ryan. Way to go girlfriend!

(Wink, wink)

Kristina P. said...

I think I still need some of those lessons.

Anonymous said...

Ons that are not soft. You are very funny and very clever. I would love to hear how he took to the lesson.

Lesson 3 is so funny and so true. Surprised I even have 2 kiddos, it's so true.


dearheart said...

Tom does owe you! Like manage and fund the 401K forever owe you. Crazy skills with a book/jacket, huh? Imagine what you could do with a sarong!

Brenda Susan said...

Loved the summarized blog-safe version! Very clear & real. Should write a book.....Sex Ed for Dummies...maybe!

bernthis said...

My ex works for Planned Parenthood. I believe he is the one who should do this

Sokphal said...

My coworkers and I were talking about this yesterday. They suggested showing pictures of STD's. I think that might do the trick if you don't want to be a grandmother anytime soon. :)

kacy faulconer said...

I need to steal your curriculum.

for a different kind of girl said...

I would love it if you could jot all this valuable information and publish it in a handy pamphlet format so I can share it with my sons!

K A B L O O E Y said...

Maybe you could start a second blog?

Heidi said...

Loved this! I'm still laughing. You are awesome and Tom is lucky to have you.

L said...

I was going comment but now am just sitting here thinking about Jake Ryan.....

OK back to reality! We have had lessons 1 and 2 and now need to progress to lesson 3. How about a podcast for the blog?

vawriter said...

Anna,this is so funny--and true! I tried browbeating my introvert hubby into giving "The Talk" to our son. Micromanaging the coversation didn't go to well, since Hubby did not want to talk even to me about what he'd said. So, naturally, I took over, also at bedtime and in the dark. "Ask me anything!" I invited. "How much do you and Dad do that stuff?" he asked. It wasn't dark or late enough for me, evidently. End of Conversation.