11 Years

 11 years ago today my 12 year old son died.

Depending on the year, the "crapiversary" is about reflection, memorializing Jack, muddling through, being grateful, or sitting in anger and jealousy. It all depends. Lately it's been about shuttling Andrew here or there, trying to keep him entertained, and whispering a "Thank you, I love you," to my Jack.

Today is different. Coming off a difficult summer, I'm home with my first case of COVID. Andrew is sick too, although testing negative, and our lives have been reduced to one bed, like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but with screens. A lot of screens. This limited sphere, as well as the misery in my body, made Sept 8 sneak up on me, sidling up to my sick bed in the night. I knew it was coming. It loomed. I felt it in my soul for weeks, but it whispered, "Trudge, Anna, trudge. This is your life now. Just deal."

In a way, the sick bed represents how I've been feeling for a long while: depleted, limited, trapped. "Trudge, Anna, trudge. This is your life now. Just deal."

If you are looking for a tribute to my amazing Jack today, I can't even muster it. My heart, my soul, my person, how could this be? Yet his memory flits away from me as the demands of the here and now keep me rooted as if my legs are half-sunk in concrete.

I have no guilt over this, for I know I can't disappoint my boy. I know that he sees me struggle and cheers me on, just as I supported him through every struggle he faced on earth.

While certain memories fail, I'll never forget how he made me feel-- like the best mother in the world. In the 34 years since my own mother went to heaven, what remains is how she made me feel: SAFE and BELOVED.

I know I'll feel better soon. I know Andrew will go to school and I can reclaim some autonomy and find my spark again.

Maybe then I will write a beautiful tribute post to a 12 year old who changed so many lives.

But today I will whisper, "Thank you Jack. I love you" and I will think about how even in my weakness, when I can't control ANYTHING, I can consider how I make people feel, and put that into the world.

What's Better Than Building a Well in a Developing Country?

Building 2 wells!

After the heart-warming, inspiring, and even miraculous response to my friends' and family's project to raise money to build a well in a developing country, I was ready to rest on my laurels for a while, or at least on my comfy chair.

But...Someone had different plans!

Last week we found out that a Generous Soul is poised and ready to MATCH what my friends and I come up with over the initial $5,000. If you visit our donation page at Charity: Water you'll see that I've "upped" the amount we hope to raise in the remaining 22 days of our campaign.

The beauty is, we only have about $1,400 left to raise before the Generous Soul chips in enough to finish funding Well #2. That would be 2 wells in the same time-frame in which we thought we couldn't possibly fund ONE!

So, Friday night we got right to it and Jake and Molly had a lemonade and brownie stand to catch people on the way home from work. They made $50 in one hour's time and would have made more, but it started to hail! Hail, yeah it did!

So, as you can see, there's something bright and wonderful happening around here to take our minds off of Possum Fever, or whatever the heck we've got in this house. If you would like to help, please visit our donation page. I have been overwhelmed by your generosity and encouragement during this whole process.

It feels so good to know that in a small way, we are making the world better. What an honor!

I can't wait to share with you the exciting things that transpire over the next 22 days!

Let's Dig It Together!

You may remember back in January when I posted that my immediate family and friends from my small group had decided to spend this year finding creative ways to raise money to build a well for people without access to clean drinking water. We would have yard sales, clip coupons, host parties and beg generous blog readers to join us.

Well, somehow January soon became March, and this Year of Living Generously needed kicking off! In my search to find the perfect organization, and one that would enable blog readers to securely donate online and track progress, I found Charity: Water!

Oh my. What a jackpot!

While the fundraising amount was higher than I had anticipated (interesting how we are often stretched beyond what we think is do-able), I was stunned to discover that 100% of every penny raised goes DIRECTLY to well projects and sustainable clean water solutions in the areas of greatest need around the world.

I can't wait for you to read about Charity: Water, and I can't wait to see how you might be prompted to respond.

To add to the, errr, excitement, Charity: Water fundraising projects run for only 3 months spans.

Eeek.

This means that while my family and small group will be raising money all year long, the particular well project we have signed on for needs to be funded by early June.

Impossible?

Let's see.

Thank you to the An Inch of Gray reader and funny gal who already donated $100 to kick things off.

Go to our Year of Living Generously Page and check out how you can help!

Beyond Myself

I am a closet introvert trapped in an extrovert’s body. To most people who know me, I am bubbly and very outgoing. I love to talk, exhibited by my frequent “diarrhea of the mouth” when I’m at parties. I’ll come home and rehash the evening, “Oh my, did I really say THAT???” I love to plan events to bring people together such as church functions, fundraisers, and get-togethers for no particular reason. I am the one who will go up to the person standing alone and try to draw her in.

Truthfully, however, I’ve spent most of the last 2 years alone in my minivan or alone at home. I’ll walk along the bike path and see everyone else paired up in twos, but it rarely crosses my mind to call someone to walk with. I like to shop alone. When we go to the beach with other families, you would think I’d be drinking margaritas and dancing on the table top, finally having other grown-ups to talk to, but I usually spend several days in my room devouring library books. When I do join the others to play cards at night, I have a blast and am energized, but I realize that cocooning has become my nature.

I think over the years I have put out a weird vibe when it comes to being intimate with people. I joke that I’m about as deep as a puddle when it comes to introspection, so maybe I’m just afraid of grappling with messy issues. When Tom and I were dating, we had two friends who were also dating. When I would hear about their deep talks that would last until 4 a.m.— on the meaning of life, etc. I would have a pang. Why didn’t Tom and I talk about those things? I came to realize that one of the reasons I was attracted to Tom in the first place was that he didn’t want to always be digging deeper and deeper and neither did I.

The past few days I’ve been thinking about how we are called to be God’s hands and feet on this earth. The way we do this is through loving and serving each other as an outpouring of His love. I love people and want what’s best for them. What I don’t seem to want to do is extend myself in the day to day way of relationships. I rarely make or receive phone calls just to chat. I have a structure to the day that I am reluctant to depart from if something comes up.

I think of friends I’ve had that I’ve introduced to each other. More times than I can count, they have become intimate, helping each other with child rearing, spending holidays together, and seeing each other through crises, while I have become more of a yearly Christmas card friend. This may sound like I’m jealous, but I’m not; I just see in them a willingness to openly share the stuff of life together while I hang back, again and again.

Please don't get me wrong-- being God’s hands and feet has nothing to do with being an introvert or extrovert—it has to do with love. I am awed when people show love in ways I wouldn’t consider doing myself. My mother was an excellent example of this. Whether it was inviting our 80+ year old babysitter to live in our house for 2 weeks when she decided (temporarily!) to leave her husband of 50 years, or welcoming a stream of friends to our dinner table, she extended herself in ways that were not convenient, but were real.

There are so many people around me who don’t stop at, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” They just do SOMETHING. I am in awe of them, because what they do is so different from what I do. I am much more comfortable writing a check for a cause or praying FOR someone in crisis than BEING there physically in the trenches or praying WITH someone in crisis.

I am not sure where I am going with this, but my prayer is that God enables me to step out of my comfort zone and live life with others. There is nothing wrong with down-time or alone time, but I want to be someone whom others can count on, not just at a party or during the good times, but in the messy, nitty gritty of life.