Saturday, January 29, 2011

Making a Splash, Weekend Round-up Edition

Where to begin?

Do I share the beauty of going to an indoor water park with kids aged 9 and almost 12? Of being able to sit and read an entire depressing and wrenching and inspiring memoir all in one sitting, wearing street clothes, while my kids frolicked and cavorted in the water?

Of lifting my head from my serious reading matter to look around, ostensibly for the children, and glimpsing with pity lots of mommies of kids far younger than mine who were not yet free to say NO to the bathing suit and the enormous bucket of water pouring over their heads?

Do I share that this water park trip resulted in 2 epic telephone fights and a scheduling snafu that could have granted my eldest his wish of having divorced parents?

Do I share my opinion that chain hotel decor has come a long way from hunter green and floral by sharing this cool console table with you?

Instead, I think I'll share that for the second time in 2 weeks I was reminded of The Shining while staying in a hotel. Lest you conclude that I'm obsessed, perhaps you should see what slogan (?) Hampton Inn has decided to put inside every one of its elevators:

Seriously? Brilliant marketing, that.

But instead of dealing with a crazed murderer flashing his maniacal smile at me in an empty resort hotel, I was driven to distraction by another sort of foe:

A lovelorn teenager who parked himself on the floor outside our room as he had a heartfelt (loud!) phone conversation with his girlfriend. You know, one of those tortured, miserable conversations with pleading, sighing, and what-not?

Who needs in-room porn when your 11 year old can share, verbatim, these snippets and more with you:

"Well, I didn't know those kinds of pictures of you would make you uncomfortable."

"If you had been with any other guys before me you would understand all of this better."


At about 11:30 I had had enough. The driving, the reading, and the water park fries had done me in.

I hopped out of bed and charged to the door, wearing my tank top and undies, and decided to give him the kind of scare that would make Jack Nicholson look as cuddly as a Pillow Pet. As I angrily flipped the deadbolts, the kid jumped up and darted down the hall, narrowly missing a sighting that could have turned him off of women forevermore.

Mission accomplished.

I slunk back to my bed and climbed in with my now-sleeping daughter.

...who had decided to take her half of the bed right down the middle.


Chrisy said...

OMG. So funny. I am THAT mother in the skirted bathing suit, standing with a small child under the freaking giant bucket of water, HATING it.

I'm also THE mother that is the killjoy for every teenage party within earshot of me, anywhere.

Great post!

Nichole@40daysof said...

Doesn't that teenager's conversation make you want to lock up your kids, or at least keep them this age?! Ahhhhh!

M. said...

I love Great Wolf and the big buckets of water, especially when my husband has no idea they are over head and about to tip!

Anonymous said...

Sometimes the IDEA of the vacation is better than the actual vacation. But I hope it was good over all. The kiddos' smiles make me think it was, anyway.


Anonymous said...

Any thoughts on how Great Wolf Lodge compares to Mass. Water Park? The teen angst & comments are enough to give me nightmares . . .

Heidi said...

Love this post and that console table!

It's a pretty awesome thing when I don't have to my watch my kids like a hawk anymore or try to figure out why they're crying again. I'm really happy for you. Like, really happy. I'm going to have to check out that book.

Angela said...

Wow, that's hilarious! I'm sorry you had to hear that annoying phone conversation (though not really, because I thought it was funny to read about...). :)

Ellen aka Ellie said...

Read this in the computer lab today as "my kids," all 20 of them, were taking a standardized test and I was trying to stay awake.

Thanks for helping with that!

I am a total geek for Hampton Inns. They are my favorite, and absolutely posh enough. Of course, last week I told you I'd marry Taco Bell, so perhaps AAA will not be consulting me for their next travel guide?

K A B L O O E Y said...

When I clicked on the book link, Amazon suggested Persepolis and Maus: 1. I've read all three and they're all wonderful. Did you read What is the What? Great job with the teenager, BTW. And your kids are even cute sopping wet.

Gretchen said...

I am so jealous of you! the day when I can sit while my kids are playing in the water is SOOOOO far away.

You have a great way of taking every family story and making it hilarious!

purejoy said...

oh girl… i love living life with you. i wish you were my mom {only with all your clothes on}.
water park in winter. bliss {for the kids… not for me… they pay me to keep my clothes on. it's awesome} and i totally agree with you on not having to be that mom that still has to get in the water to entertain/keep em from drowning.
the book. amazing. i read it in a day. couldn't put it down either.

Pamela said...

AH! Chris: so funny!

YEah, I'm glad my days in the pool are over.
So glad.
So f'ing glad...

Teens aren't so bad. Either that or you're so worn down it doesn't matter...