I am sick of being “The Finder” in this house, and I am not convinced that other people even try to find something before they ask me. They know I’ll hop to it, or if I don’t, I’ll have to suffer through their ineffective, lame-ass excuses for searching before I go ahead and find it anyway.
Usually in plain sight.
This weekend Tom said he couldn’t find the mortgage statement. This is annoying for several reasons. First, I was the one who wrote the mortgage checks for 11 years. Then I forgot to mail one (or 2) measly payment/s, and Tom took over.
(Not that this approach is all bad, if you really want to get out of a job, but I didn’t mind the bill-paying so much. When we were engaged he asked if I’d iron a pair of his brand new pants. I quickly proceeded to burn a hole in them and haven’t ironed a thing of his since. That worked well. But back to the mortgage statement booklet thingy…)
I knew that I hadn’t done anything with it, so after looking in my bill and stamp basket, I said finding it was now up to Tom.
You should have seen his annoyingly wide bush-baby eyes as he gave me an incredulous look and said, “What do you mean you DON’T KNOW WHERE IT IS? Aren’t you even going to look?” I shrugged and went back to my magazine.
This guy was agitated.
“What are we going to do if you really lost it?!?” he continued, pacing around the kitchen in distress.
I ventured to guess that with all the advanced degrees in the house we could probably come up with a solution, but he wasn’t digging the calm, reasoned approach. Reluctantly, I put down my Diet Dr.Pepper and looked for a bit, making a point to say, “For the record. I think you took the payment booklet and put it somewhere.”
He did not like this either.
Later that night, Tom (who had been watching tv alone on the couch) asked me where the remote was, as if I had somehow snatched it from his grasp unnoticed. By this time I was good and cranky. I may have said, “If it was up your ass you’d know.” Not sure if I should have said that, or at least in that way. I think the proper grammar might have been, “If it WERE up your ass you’d know.”
Anyway, yesterday I saw our mortgage payment on the counter all sealed, stamped and ready to be mailed. Yep, it had been in his home office all along.
Tonight at 10 when I was dying to watch “The Amazing Race” on the DVR, our son came downstairs distraught because he couldn’t find the novel he needs for tomorrow. He assured me he already had looked for it. Tom stayed firmly planted on the couch with a shrug, saying, “I looked for it earlier.”
So, I hauled my bath-robed self up and down all 5 levels of our split level and even out to the car. As the third person on this quest, I figured the book must have been tucked somewhere pretty bizarre. I did a lot of huffing and puffing and not all of it was because I’m out of shape.
Finally I found the book. On my son's nightstand.
A quiet, “Sorry Mom,” and Jake padded back off to bed.
I turned to Tom in total exasperation. “Apple. Not far from the tree. Aargh!”
He said, “Oh please. What about all the quirks the kids have that come from you??”
Trust me, this is one pissing match he does not want to get into with me. At least not right now. Girl had a lot of soda today.
27 comments:
I love this post!
I always say, "If you want to find something, don't look like a man."
I LOVE this post and it is so true. And, how many times did I have to listen to my OWN mother say, "You can't find it because you don't know how to look!"
I have yet to figure out how to get my people (children, husband, etc) to find things. Maybe if I offered them 2 dollars to find it, they'd be more motivated.
And, I love the remote comment.
And, by the way, the mortgage statement? I would've been like, "Gee honey, I have NO idea where we'll be able to find a BANK that we can WALK INTO and say, I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU SOME MONEY. Cause, you know, there are NONE of those around anywhere."
I believe you can reclaim responsibility for the mortgage check, girlfriend, if you want it. BTW, this morning I'm gonna have to search high and low for my kid's volleyball uniform before she leaves for school. Somehow, it has disappeared.
I feel your pain.
Like your son, my children would apologise. Husband? Never. When you said you found the mortgage payment, I'm just guessing you didn't get even an acknowledgement, right?
Love this post!!!
I would be a rich woman if I charged just a dime for a finder's fee!
I keep wondering at what point children (and men?) realize that searching for a lost something requires looking in DIFFERENT places... not the SAME place that you have already verified it is NOT!!!!
So funny Anna! And maybe an even easier solution would be to pay it online - we make most of payments (including mortgage) that way. Automatically deducted so we don't even have to think about it!
I have not tried this with the husband yet, but occasionally I will roll my eyes and ask the looking-for-something-child something like: "Are you ready for me to find it in 2 seconds and gloat about it or do you want to give it one more try?" Surely not one of my best parenting tactics but I get so sick of finding stuff. On the flip side, the kids will sometimes help me find my keys....
If I had a nickel for every time my fiance and I had the "Where is the mortgage statement?" battle, I'd have 25 cents because we've only owned the house 5 months. But we're apparently forming a habit, because it's been a monthly ordeal. My usual input is: "I don't know, maybe it's under that stack of Cabela catalogs and Pennysavers you won't let me throw away." ;)
My goodness. Does he read your blog? (Or maybe he can't find it, ha ha?) Does he get a heads up that he will be featured?
jbhat
If your daughter has your ironing skills, I'd say you've done a fantastic job harvesting them apples!
;)
Roseanne Barr, when she was a funny stand-up comic, used to say, "What, is the uterus a tracking device?"
I'm so glad I skipped across your blog today.
Found your post hysterical, as per usual. (Say, is APU a known acronym? Because besides loving me some Simpsons, it's a useful little phrase. no?) And that's saying a lot, because the only parts I identified with are the Diet Dr. Pepper and DVR-ing The Amazing Race, with added time, of course, because of football run-overs and friggin indestructable Andy Rooney. Because you are the finder and I am The Loser.
When I was in 5th grade our teacher (a woman) told us "Never find anything for a man, because he will never be able to find anything for himself from then on." What a strange thing to tell 5th graders, but really... so true...
Oh baby---I CAN relate!! This is the running theme in our family with my hubby and a young son----and I INVARIABLY find everything right where I thought it was! AAhhhh---the frustration of it all!
Comparing inherited quirks. I love it.
Whenever my husband asks me "Where's the(remote, my wallet, office key, etc.)?" he always manages to find it himself just as I've gotten to the top of the stairs after interrupting my cooking, helping kids with homework or TV show. It's like he waits until I've been inconvenienced and then doesn't even give me the satisfaction of finding it first!
When my kids ask me to find something they've lost (and I don't think they've tried or even starting looking) I tell them they owe me $1 if I find it first. That usually gets them moving!
okay. now THIS is my new favorite post.
Anna, I don't know where to start. I really don't. I feel your pain.
I tell Craig and the kids over and over that there is a difference between "I can't find it" and "I didn't see it."
thanks, sister.
I need to print this post and put it on the fridge. I went into a major rant on Sunday morning...my name is no longer mom, my name is no longer Denise, .... I have no idea were it is, if it is clean, and no I will not tell you my new name. That worked for several hours.
Hi Anna!
Its o.k.-- you are in good company. Albert Einstein didn't wear socks because his big toe poked holes in them. Genius can't be troubled with the mundane.
That is why my husband does all our chores ....
:):):):):):):):)..........................
kk
that is my kid: I can't find it. She scans the first two feet infront of her, not there comes looking for me to find it hiding in plain sight. Drives me nuts
I am 'the finder' in our house too. I've honed my craft of finding things, developed some kind of sixth sense about it all. I'm not kidding. I can find anything anywhere. That's what happens when you're 'the finder.' I hate it.
Loved this post and love the fact that you drink diet dr pepper. Isn't it good?
I am the only one who can ever find anything around here. The only difference is that Chris will actually search the house. I honestly don't know what's wrong with him.
The kids are too little to be responsible for finding their lost items - but they flat out refuse to even try looking. Eleanor's favorite thing to say is "no - yer go get it!"
Laughing so hard right now..........same thing happens at our house. Why is it women are suppose to know where every thing is!!!! Or, they act like I took it and hid it someplace......on purpose! lol
My dad is the same way. He's always asking where his keys are but hasn't even looked for them himself.
Wow, I just discovered this blog and I so cannot relate to your attitude. To frustrating times of sharing a life with my husband, yes, but not your way of dealing with it. But from the comments here I guess there are many like you. It does shed some light of the 50 percent divorce rate.
And it also proves that academic degrees do not evidence the ability to apply knowledge, but rather the ability to regurgitate the opinions of others.
And if it crosses your mind; no I am not one who loses things. :)
Hey there, found you (I think?) through Young House Love, read your post on your first snarky comment, read through to find said comment out of curiosity.
I will always be amazed at the (nearly always anonymous) folks who like to troll through the blogosphere looking for things they can say to make someone else feel bad. But this was particularly puzzling. Because, um, you didn't actually do anything bad.
Personally I think the reason the divorce rate is so high is that SOME PEOPLE HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR.
It's probably not the remote up your anonymous commentor's ass, but there's something up there, that's for sure!
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