Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Pump it Up? Shake it Up? Take a Nap?

Just got back from a fabulous Girls Day/Night Out with college friends. Because it was a mere 100 degrees, we hung out by the pool. Imagine my surprise, nay consternation, when all 3 of my friends were sporting bikinis and rock-hard bods.

In general, I am not one to begrudge (too much) others' fantastic bodies especially when they work hard at it. But when these girls and I became friends, in like, 1987, suffice it to say we weren't exactly hard bodies. Or at least I don't think so, although the big hair, Navajo sweaters and shoulder pads might have prevented ultra-close inspection.

And here we are, over 40, when I'm ready to throw on my comfy pants and throw in the proverbial towel, and they do THIS TO ME! Classic bait and switch I say.

So what would any self-respecting couch potato do when faced with extra summer pounds and insanely buff friends? Would she put down the apple pie (a la mode!!) and go for a fitness walk?

No, not this one.

I decided to take the kids to the glorified Dollar Store, Five Below, which basically means "We charge you $5 for stuff that should cost $1."

And what did I buy?

Something called Pump2Fit-- a plastic bar bell that promised me "Sexy, toned arms in just minutes a day!"

I could sense something was off, but I could have sworn I'd seen this miraculous product on an infomercial at some point and that it would transform my flabby, Cafeteria Lady arms (sorry Mrs. Winklebaum) into "ROCK SOLID ARMS!" as the box proclaimed.


Speaking of boxes, the kids suggested I might want to keep the box so it would be ready, intact, for our next yard sale. Such moral support, I tell ya.


I was reasonably confident this product would transform my arms, nay-- my life, until I came home and saw a CVS ad touting "The Shake Weight."

Crap.


That was the one from the infomercial I'd seen, and the one I had purchased was a flimsy, non-shaky imitation. I went to the Shake Weight website and saw some mildly erotic demos of how "The Shake Weight" could tone my arms. A quick glance pretty much made it clear that the only weight the "Pump2 Fit" was good for was a paper weight.


Oh well.

As I was reeling from the discovery that I had not found my own personal fountain of youth, 12 year old Jake, who will hitherto be referred to as Captain Painfully Obvious, summed it up thus: "So what you did was buy a cheesy dollar store imitation of a cheesy infomercial product?"

Grasshopper, you are correct.

Well at least Molly and her friend Kelly are having some good old-fashioned summer fun using my precious "Pump2Fit" to make fake infomercials. And to think that at their age, we used to play dolls.

I think I'll join a gym.

9 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I'm not sure how I have not added the Shake Weight to my As Seen on TV collection. I like anything with lewd undertones.

kimberwidmer said...

I have a friend who bought one of the Shake Weight thingies… on purpose. I would feel like a fool even if I was alone!
Try doing push ups and use hand weights.
Me? I do mental aerobics. In my mind, I'm super thin, too.

noscar said...

My mother gave me the Shake Weight for my 38th birthday. Mostly it makes the rest of me jiggle when I use it so I try not to.

Also, I went wine tasting with some friends this past weekend, the photo's after were so horrendous. How did everyone else shrink and I doubled???

Feeling your pain.

Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e/Mrs. Seaman) said...

I'm meant to go to Lake Geneva with some girlfriends tomorrow. Can I tell you how glad I am that the forecast calls for rain?

I'm fifty, and I'm not sure where my suit is...

Angela of Fixing It Fancy said...

I really enjoyed your post--you're a really good story teller (or in this case writer, I suppose)!

A bunch of my friends have been hitting the gym hard the past few months but I just can't bring myself to pay for a membership when there are so many free ways to go about it. I'm not a lover of running but I find a jog helps me to feel better. Also, there's this free yoga fitness channel on my satellite subscription; I find doing those in my living room while fighting with the dog for floor space helps too. :)

L said...

Cracking up!!!

Anonymous said...

Ugh. I am about to take my flabby self on a plane trip to see my bestest friends from my early twenties, who are now hard-bodied work out buffs. We all used to just drink and lie around! We've all curtailed the drinking, but I continued to lie around all these years, while they have been on the treadmill and lifting weights. I am looking forward to seeing them....but not looking forward to them seeing ME. Sigh.

jbhat

for a different kind of girl said...

My arms recently informed me there was no way (weigh? yes, I think that's what I mean) we're attending my upcoming high school reunion. Despite working out like it's another part time job since February, I'm still able to fan myself with my triceps, and sometimes I think it's best my old classmates can only see me via headshot on Facebook!

Elisa @ What the Vita said...

I think the Shake Weight infomercials are SOOO awkward.. it looks like the guy holding it is performing umm Master Bates.

Try Planet Fitness if you have it in your area! Only $10 a month and it's actually a decent, really nice gym. Love it. I feel like I have a free gym membership.