Summer Check-in

Well, hello there...

My bright idea of re-joining the gym so Andrew could go to up to THREE hours of childcare a day tanked. It was even a DROP-OFF place so I could run to the grocery store or to Panera to write! Andrew was fine with it until the big kids got out of school and the playroom got crowded. He decided he'd only go if there were just FOUR other kids there. Quite specific. So once again I am paying for the fancy gym, but not going. Enjoy your green smoothies and stair masters those of you who actually go!

Margaret, flush with cash from graduation, has decided that work is over-rated and has been clocking in a massive 6 hours of employment each week. Next summer will be a real wake-up call. I've offered to have her babysit Andrew without even needing to get dressed or leave the house, but those two are like oil and water. You might think sibling rivalry wouldn't exist with a 15 year age difference, but you would be sorely mistaken. He refused to let her take him for ICE CREAM today, for heaven's sake.

Margaret's big issue this summer was getting locked out of Instagram because 1) her phone broke 2) we are doofuses who had a defunct email account and phone number attached to her account. The great news is that thanks to an AWESOME blog reader and her multi-talented cousin, Margaret is back in! She immediately went with a friend to take glamor shots in the parking lot of Taco Bell, which I don't quite understand, but to each her own.

My big news is/was that we almost bought a small vacation home. This is something we've been working on for 3 years, and we were supposed to close on it today and go down there on Sunday. I had bags and boxes and board games ready to go. Alas, a bunch of complications came up and we pulled out. I am feeling down about it, weirdly not because I really enjoy the idea of "vacationing" with a three year old (is there such a thing?) but because I envisioned a) accessorizing it with gusto b) opening it up for small-group getaways and writing and grief retreats. My mind was spinning in an excited way and now it just feels blah.

Speaking of grief retreats, I'm honored to be going to Michigan next week to speak at a retreat for grieving moms through a wonderful organization called Starlight Ministries. My blah self wonders what I have to offer when Andrew and I are still in our pj's at 12:18 pm and I haven't written in eons. Deep down, however, I know that if I show up and open myself up to being used, God will take care of the rest.

Last night our nephew (Jack's BFF) came to spend the night and do some work in the area. The dynamic shifted immediately, as if we all let out a collective deep breath we didn't know we were holding. Although most days feel normal, there is still a palpable feeling that there should be a 20-something young man here. It feels so natural, so right. Our family looks vastly different from how it did with Jack alive. But there is muscle memory of how it once was, and those few times that we get to approximate it again, feel anything but blah.

Love you friends. How is your summer going?

1,000 Reasons

This is my 1,000th post on An Inch of Gray.

I suppose I could try to do a re-cap of the last 9 years, or make a "Best Of" list. But as I stand here at the kitchen counter, Andrew strapped to my chest, his gentle breathing in sync with my own, what I really want to do is say THANK YOU.

Life can be painfully lonely sometimes. I don't have a particularly difficult time making friends, but there are always blank spaces longing to be filled with love, understanding, and support. Rough edges call out to be smoothed with fresh perspective and empathy. And I don't care whether we are 5 years old on a mini soccer field, or 50 and making a scary life change, having someone cheering us on makes a real difference.

I have an embarrassment of riches in the cheering department because of you.

Some of you showed up long ago to read of my trash to treasure makeovers or funny little stories about parenting Jack and Margaret. Others came when the horrible news of Jack's death spread like wildfire throughout the blogging community. You could have refused to click over, wanting to shield yourself from the pain you knew you would find here. But you came to read, pray, and bear witness. You helped save my life. Some read Rare Bird and wanted to follow up and check on us, or perhaps to get a feel for where your own grief journey might lead, newcomers in a club no one ever wants to join. News of our miraculous God-gift of late in life pregnancy may have landed others here, not so long ago, because who doesn't like to hear of beauty from ashes and see a newborn's gassy smile?

This community amazes me, and I'm grateful for each of you.

I'm just a person who likes to make people laugh, although I know I sometimes make them cry. I enjoy picking up an idea, turning it around this way and that, exploring it with my words, wondering if my thoughts might connect with just one person out there. I like to be real, because being fake seems like it would be exhausting. I like to point my toes toward hope, and sometimes I find myself walking toward it and embracing it before I even know I'm moving.

Our world can be scary. There is a lot of hate out there. People tear each other down. Differences are magnified, hatreds fed and tended to until they flare up and consume.

I want to thank you for the love, for the real friendship and connection that absolutely can happen though a screen, and for being lights in my world, and THE world.

Wake Forest Magazine and Catching Up

Thank you for the prayers!

The weekend retreat was AMAZING, and having a little break from Puppy-dom was pretty great, too.

I wrote about my thoughts on Mother's Day for Wake Forest Magazine today. Tim and I met at Wake Forest, so it was so neat to be invited to write for them. I hope you'll head over there and read the article. Mother's Day can be a day of complicated feelings for many, and I want to honor wherever YOU are in this week leading up to Mother's Day.

On Thursday, I'll be speaking at St. John's Episcopal Church in Roanoke, VA on Embracing the Mystery of God in Difficult Times. It's a free event from 6:30-8:30 and I'd love to have you there!


p.s. Any great podcasts I should listen to during the drive? I've already listened to Serial.

Meh News, Very Good News, Great News!

It's great to be home, despite killer jet-lag conveniently coupled with Daylight Saving Time.

Tim and Margaret did very well while I was gone, and I couldn't believe my plane landed despite our most recent snowstorm.

I wanted to update you regarding Nikol. By the time we came out of the rural area and back into the city at the end of our trip, World Vision found out that Nikol had already been sponsored by someone else. It's great he is sponsored, but I was bummed, of course, because it really felt like I was meant to be in his life.

The very good news is that I quickly checked with Tim and Margaret, and we decided to try to sponsor one of Nikol's older brother's children, who live nearby and two of whom were still awaiting sponsors. We had visited Varden, Ani, and their three children immediately after leaving Nikol's house. They live in a small converted railroad car with a lean-to attached to it.

Their need is as great as Nikol's family. In fact, as we were chatting with them, Varden came in from his daily trek in search of firewood to heat their woodstove. They do not have a cow for the cow dung, and there are very few trees around, so this trek can take hours a day. The rest of the time he looks for odd jobs, occasionally working overnight at a nearby hydroelectric plant to try to keep the water from freezing.

This young family will greatly benefit from economic development opportunities when World Vision gets programs established in their region. I am excited to see how their lives and futures will improve as a result of child sponsorship and economic development.

And, I will be able to stay in touch with Nikol through his brother's family, so that feels great, too.

Meet Vahan:

Looks like he got those striking blue eyes from his grandma, Nikol's mom:

Vahan is such a sweet, sweet four year old. He did a puzzle with our team member, Addie, while we were visiting. I'm so looking forward to being in his life as he grows!

Here he is with Mom and Dad and his little sister, Mariam, who also needs a sponsor. Behind them you can see the windows into the train car where the five of them sleep. The other room is where they cook, eat, and play.

 

And here's Dad on his quest for firewood:

 

So there was some meh news (I wanted to sponsor Nikol) and some very good news (I get to sponsor Vahan AND Nikol has an awesome sponsor!) and here's some GREAT NEWS:

Remember Aida? As the week progressed, 5 of her 7 kids needed sponsors and YOU came through. Yep! An Inch of Gray readers sponsored each of the remaining children! This family will blossom with your financial, emotional, and spiritual support. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Our big family is helping her family!

If you are interested in sponsoring a child, but have not had the opportunity to do so, there are many more children in need of sponsorship. Learn more here.

Warm Boots

I was excited to be able to give a World Vision worker money to provide Nikol with a new pair of boots and possibly a few other things while we were here. Nikol and the worker went shopping and Nikol proudly picked out the pair he wanted. With the extra money, he bought apples, sugar, cooking oil, and coffee for his parents. I bet his mom is going to be super happy about that coffee.

Here are some pictures taken in the World Vision office of a happy boy:

New Year

Hello Bedford Falls! Hello you old Savings and Loan!

Ok, so I haven't been as far afield as George Bailey, but it sure SEEMS like longer than just a week since I've been here with you. During that time Tim and I celebrated our 18th anniversary at a B & B, and I got Margaret to join me in a little furniture painting project, hoping that some cold hard cash (if it sells) will inspire more mother-daughter projects.

I hope your holidays were good, and if they weren't, I hope you are proud of yourself for just making it through. That is no small thing.

Now that we are easing into 2015, I hope to do a little more writing and speaking, and a lot less snacking.

My BIG NEWS for this winter is that my fleece-lined leggings and I will be going on a World Vision trip to Armenia! When I was invited, it only took me about 5 seconds to say YES! I am looking forward to seeing first-hand the work World Vision does to improve children's lives. I also have A LOT of learning to do about Armenia, its history, and its culture. I can't wait to share my experiences with you here.

I thought for starters you might like to read this World Vision blog post about Armenia and our upcoming trip.

P.S. If you are in the Richmond, VA area, I'd love for you to join me at First Presbyterian Church on January 27. Here's the info.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wishing you a happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for YOU!

I am over on Modern Loss today writing about our first Thanksgiving without Jack, which I was not able to write about until now. For those of you experiencing a similar first today, you are in my heart.

Book Release Recap!

What a week!

 

Tim and I stayed home from work Monday and grabbed some lunch together. We were both pretty weepy on this 3rd Crapiversary. We hadn't cried in a long time, and it felt okay.

 

Tuesday was release day for Rare Bird. Interesting juxtaposition, as Margaret would say, to use one of her new favorite words. It was exciting to see all of the great reviews coming in and have Facebook and Twitter blowing up with all of you sharing about the book! Thank you to each one of you who has taken the time to rate the book on Amazon and Goodreads.

 

Oprah had a new book come out the very same week, so I kind of thought she might call Tuesday morning and want to grab an Oprah Chai Tea Latte and discuss the writing life, so I kept my schedule open all day. Instead, Shadow and I bonded over some Earl Gray, and kept refreshing the computer to see how things were going on Amazon. Wow, thank you for ordering the book!

 

Thursday and Friday were much the same, but with my two book signings at night.

A HUGE thank you to all of the amazing people who came out on Thursday to One More Page Books in Arlington. I was nervous, but you put me at ease. Looking out and seeing blog friends, neighbors, high school and college friends, Monkees from Momastery, and my Bible study girls was so comforting. Here are some of my fabulous former students, all grown up!

 



 

We had Jack magnets and Bible verses to hand out as favors. I loved talking to the folks who had their books signed. One moment was extra special, and I hope to be able to share it with you at some point soon. 

 

Friday was the book release party at Vienna Presbyterian Church. Completely weird speaking in the sanctuary exactly 3 years to the day after I did at Jack's funeral. The crowd was loving and kind, and put me at ease right away. Lots of people there had known me since I was born! I thanked everyone for their support, spoke a bit about how the book came about, and then read a short chapter.

 

I also shared that I am not in the same place in my grief journey that I was 2 years ago when I started writing Rare Bird, or when I finished, one year ago. I also hope and assume I am not in exactly the same place today, that I will be tomorrow.

 

After that, we went into the Great Hall, which was decorated beautifully and had lovely food and drinks for everyone, and I signed books. Lots and Lots of books!

For old neighbors:

 Jack and Margaret's 1st grade teacher:

 Jack's dear friends from school and their parents:

 

Friends from the Internet:

 

 Family:

 

 

 

And many, many other special people:

Even the younger set made it out. This little cutie was born at exactly 1 pound and 24 weeks. Jack and I prayed every night that she would be okay and would grow, and look at her now!

My college friends represented, for sure. Check out the adorable photo bomber in these pictures. I didn't even see her do this!

What a way to launch Rare Bird!

Thank you to One More Page Books and Grapevine Bookstore. May it soar exactly where it needs to! I hope if this book touches you, you will share it with others.

Three Years Today

Three years ago today, we weren't perfect, but we had a rhythm; the pieces of our family fit together so precisely, so genuine a complement, one to the other, that to imagine one of the pieces gone would have been an impossibility. 

We felt on the cusp of something good. Was it a great year ahead in school? Was it, with the grueling business of raising tiny ones behind us, that Tim and I could just be in wonder for a little while, really enjoying the neat people our kids had become? 

Instead, we lost Jack that September 8th.

The balance is gone from our family, our lives, but we move forward each day. We eat family dinners. We watch America's Got Talent and the Amazing Race, just as we always did. It has been three long years since we've seen our son, touched him, heard his perspective on things. If he was not a loud kid, why are things so quiet around here? Still, at least once a week, I'll think, "Wait until I tell Jack this!" or "What's Jack going to do while Tim, Margaret and I are at soccer?" as if he has just been in another room all along.

It would be hard to pinpoint what I miss most. Because in my mind's eye, Jack is no longer 12, but is now 15, so I also miss things that I don't even know how to recognize or name. Glimmers of a teenage boy and early manhood that were just an idea when we lost him.

I guess the thing I miss the very most is the way I could just grab him, whenever he walked by me and give him a hug or a kiss, and he'd let himself be pulled close, let his hair be ruffled. Perhaps he'd be balking at that by now, twisting away from my gentle grasp. But I don't know.

It gets easier. It does. One truly can have hope and joy and laughter and growth after such a loss. Tim, Margaret, and I are walking, living, breathing proof.

But that doesn't mean I don't still wonder sometimes if all of this has just been a bad dream.

Jack,

We Love You. We Miss You. We'll Never Forget You.

Giveaway Holly Lane Designs

Tiffany, of Holly Lane Designs, has given me a beautiful sterling silver Birds of the Air Pendant to give away today as a Thanksgiving Thank You to my wonderful readers. The design is based on Matthew 6:26  ^"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"


I met Tiffany a few years ago and carried her line of beautiful jewelry in the Christian bookstore where I worked until a few months ago. When Jack died, Tiffany was very touched, especially because one of her sons is exactly Jack's age. You probably remember when she designed the Jack's Promise pendant that speaks to his love of puzzles and includes his favorite Bible verse, Luke 1:37. I wear it on a silver chain almost every day.

 

 

 

Here are some other examples of her work.

 

To enter the giveaway, please head over to www.hollylanedesigns.com and sign up for Tiffany's email list. She promises not to share your email with anyone and will only send out emails about  Holly Lane Designs specials.  Leave me a comment here to let me know you have entered.

 

Get an additional entry by liking An Inch of Gray on Facebook and letting me know with an additional comment.

 

For a third entry, like Holly Lane Designs on Facebook and let me know about it.

 

Giveaway closes Friday morning at 10 am.

 

Also, if your name doesn't connect me to an email address, please make sure you leave one so I can let you know if you win! Thanks!

 

Blessings and Love to you this Thanksgiving!



The Sweet Surprise

Six or seven years ago, I was thinking of going back to work part-time after being home with the kids. But I was lost. I didn't know where to start. I knew I didn't want to teach English full-time like I had before Jack was born, because I didn't think I could handle the intense workload and also be able to parent Jack and Margaret. Plus, my confidence was shot. I used to be a pretty good teacher, but what if I didn't know how to do anything anymore?

It was easy to forget what I had done in the past and also discount any wisdom and experience that came from almost a decade of volunteering in the community and stumbling my way through parenting.

This was around the time the term "Sweet Spot" started being thrown around a lot. At first I thought it was something racy, which I guess it could be but there is no way I'm googling it, but then I found out it refers to the place on a racquet or a bat that produces the best results. I tried to think about it in terms of what I liked and what I could do fairly well, and scribbled a list called,

"What is my Sweet Spot?"

I found that list again when I was packing for our move this past August. This is what it says:

-Teaching a group
-Organizing (parties, projects, events)
-Writing and speaking
-Problem solving in classes and meetings
-Making people laugh
-Bringing people together

At the time I was disappointed that my list was so short, and that it didn't contain anything like "XYZ computer language" that would impress a boss. Instead of specifics, my list was more like, "Okay, if I'm going to try figure out how to manage home and work, what sorts of things would I enjoy doing and be able to do fairly well?"

It would be another year before I found a part-time job as the manager of a small, Christian bookstore. It didn't check off my entire list, but it turned out to be a lovely, fulfilling job for almost 5 years. Right around that same time, I started blogging, even though I didn't really even know what a blog was.

Looking back on that list today, I see how blogging has fulfilled more items on that list than a paying job did. It nurtured my writing and ignited in me a passion I didn't even know I had. I can see how it has brought people together in friendship and support. True, I thought I'd be the one bringing people together, never that people would be coming together to support my hurting heart after a tragedy, but that is what has happened. Hopefully, I've made you laugh sometimes. I'm pretty sure I've made you cry, even though we all know that was never my intention.

Your support has helped me feel brave enough to keep showing up, to keep writing, and even to try to write a book at a time when I've never been more personally rocked or depleted.

I just want to thank you that. For being community. For caring.

In thinking about the words "Sweet Spot" again today, I realize that you, my friends, have made this place, this blog, into a sweet spot. It's a sweet space to laugh, cry, be real, and give and get support, and that comes from you, not anything inside of me.

I could never have guessed that when I wrote that list so long ago.

Have you thought about what your "sweet spot" may be?

Help a Sister Out?

So, I'm still struggling with the title. I love all of the suggestions you made on the An Inch of Gray Facebook page! Thank you for the thought and care you put into your suggestions. That means a lot to me.


My favorite has got to be:

If Legos Could Build a Stairway to Heaven, I'd Rock That Sh*t

But I have a feeling that one wouldn't go over too well with the publisher, so I'm asking you if you want to weigh in on some of the other options below.

This does NOT mean the one we pick will be the one selected, because there are a lot of other factors that go into the decision that I don't know much about. Like people really do judge a book by its cover (title!). Sheesh! I thought that was just an expression.

So please, if none of these get picked and you hate whatever title the book ends up with, please buy it anyway. I'm already terrified enough that by the time it's published people won't be reading books anymore and we'll just be getting little electric shocks via our cell phones that implant info directly into our brains. 

You can always use construction paper, Sharpies, and duct tape to make your own cover and title if you don't like the one that's picked. I'll help, I promise!

Okay, so here are some thoughts just to give you a little background on these ideas.

Rare Bird and When Love Grows Wings are a nod to Jack's first word, "bird," the poem my friend wrote about Jack called "rara avis" or "rare bird," and to all of the ways God has used birds to show us Jack is okay. It also ties in with bird imagery in the book as Tim and I read our speech to Jack a few months before the accident saying, "Jack, soon you will be flying on your own..."

I like So Close and This Close because they have two meanings. I was so close or this close to saving Jack down by the creek, but I didn't. Jack's and my relationship was so close. In the aftermath, I have realized the surprising fact that God and Jack are So Close/ This Close to us in our grief, and that Heaven is much closer than I ever thought.

Falling Water refers to the rain that took Jack from us. It also references a scene when I took Jack to summer camp one day too early, so we spent special time together at Fallingwater, a home designed by Frank Llyod Wright in PA.

The Loved Ones refers to how relatives of someone who died are always called, "the loved ones" but we don't give it much thought. During our grief we come to realize we really are the loved ones. Jack loves us still. God loves us and takes care of us in our pain.

More refers to the way my mind and heart have been opened to more pain, more grief, more love, more community, more God, and more mystery since Jack died.
THANK YOU for your help with this! I appreciate you.

Which Title Do You Like Best?

Rare Bird

So Close

This Close

Fallingwater

The Loved Ones

More

When Love Grows Wings

Other

Please Specify:

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