Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Moving on Up

So, we're moving.

I've been waiting to tell you until the sale on our current house was final, but it's been so hard not to share what these past months have been like. You, my dears, are such a huge support to this family, and I want you to be in the know.

On surface it would be pretty easy to say, "Oh, good. Their old house probably has a lot of painful memories and it's great for them to get a fresh start." But the thing is, this house doesn't hold a lot of painful memories. It holds memories of a lot of laughter and love, which thankfully continue today. This house helps me feel close to the family that we once were, back before we knew the things we know now.

There's the thread still hanging on the back of my bedroom door where we attempted to pull out Margaret's first loose tooth, with Jack jumping up and down in excitement, Shadow getting her nose all up in the video camera, and Margaret shrieking with delight and terror as we slammed the door shut and...nothing happened. It would be at least a week before the tooth finally gave up the ghost.

There's the basement where Tim and the kids would set up games of "Rat Race," making tunnels out of sheets and chairs, and chase each other on their bellies through the maze, pelting each other with wadded up socks. There's the family room with the leather couch where we always sat lined up in a row: Margaret, Tim, Anna, Jack to watch America's Got Talent. There's this office, that used to be a laundry room, where for some reason in January 2008 I thought it might be fun to write down some thoughts about parenting and share a few house projects on something weird called a Blog. And of course there's the kitchen counter where the kids sat on stools and did their homework, or stood on their stools and told me about their days. And don't even get me started about the yard and the climbing trees.

Tim, Margaret, and I are "bloom where you are planted" people. So was Jack. I guess the fact that I live in my hometown even though I have no relatives left here, go to the church where I grew up, and even work there part-time, could be an indication of this. Jack loved this house and neighborhood so much that he didn't even like to leave it and his friends to spend a day at our pool across town. Whenever we traveled as a family, our first words in the door were, "It's good to be home." And this is our home. And it makes me smile.

So the decision to move was hard. I don't want to leave Jack's bedroom! I don't want to leave what we had here! I don't want to put our lives in boxes because it will become clear in the next house that some of the boxes don't need to be opened again, and I hate that. But the decision was mine, and I didn't come to it quickly or easily. There were just certain aspects of staying here that kept me from blooming and I don't think that was good for any of us.

Back in January we found a house that we loved that would enable us to be on a street with many of the friends who have walked beside us in our pain. Who knew Jack and know our story. There would be cool house projects to help get my decorating mojo back. It felt like we were running TO something positive rather than AWAY from something, and that felt good. Until the deal fell through.

Then we lost another one.

For a while the only house available in our price range was our current one, which sort of defeated the purpose. Tensions ran high.

We jumped on the next one that became available. Jumped! Which is unlike slowpokes like us, but we were anxious to be settled before school starts for Margaret, and it was getting too close for comfort. It's a lovely, well cared for house. The master bathroom will make you drool.

It's farther out than we were looking for, which takes us out of our immediate circle of friends. That makes me nervous, because we've grown very close to our friends since the accident. It will mean introducing ourselves and answering the question, "How many kids do you have?"

The funny thing is, the new house is almost the exact floor plan of our current house! I think that's what helped us jump on it and make a quick deal in a very competitive housing market, like within MINUTES. Margaret got on board because she could picture it,  you know? We could already figure out where the Christmas tree would go. My office is right here, just over there. So it's kind of like our house was plopped down somewhere else. Interesting.

If I'd been able to share this BIG news with you earlier, you would have had to go through the stress of getting our house ready to sell, seen where Tim and I drew the battle lines with each other as we spackled far into the night, and rooted for Margaret as she had to adapt to a reality she didn't want to face. That we really are moving and she's coming with us.

I don't know what the next weeks hold, but I have some specific things I would LOVE for you to pray about.

1) That moving does not end up being THE THING. I keep wondering what the thing will be that will ultimately push me over the edge. That will extinguish the flicker of hope that has been present since day one, even in tragedy. Maybe there won't be a THING. But I am a bit worried.

2) In the space of one week we will move from the only home Margaret remembers, she will start middle school at a new school (!), and on the 2nd day of 7th grade she will outlive her OLDER brother.

I know. It's a lot.

It's easy to second guess. It's easy to sit here at my desk and say of course we should stay. We are comfortable here. This house is what we know. That it's been almost two years and we really can handle anything at this point, so why not stay?

And what if we feel even more disconnected from Jack there? To live in a house where he's never been is kind of like starting a new year that he's never been in. Suckish. But do-able.

So there's a lot to pray about.

I guess the biggest prayer is that we will BLOOM.


103 comments:

Cindy Schwarz said...

Oh dear one, HE IS BLOOMING IN YOU! rebirth, regrowth, renewal! I see that from afar in your intense, sweet words off the page!
Keep on in your step by step living and know the garden is planted and THE gardner is producing blooms and FRUIT!!
much love and continued prayers!~cindy

Jen said...

Wow, big news! Praying for your family.

LoriLeigh said...

Strange, I don't know you. I'm not even sure how I found you. I'm sure it was Jack. I just have to say I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son. I "lost" my 12 year old brother what seems like millions of years ago. It was a tragedy that ripped my family apart. I often marvel at you. To see you share your heart with people you don't even know. His death made me who I am today. I was 15. Now, I'm a mom and a grandmother. There were plenty of "things" that could of sent me over that cliff. Sometimes life is hard, but you keep moving, taking small steps. Grief will not win. I know what it's like to move away. I know you know it will be okay. Praying for your family and thankful for the words you write.

OSMA said...

You are already in bloom. Saw it the first day you posted "Spring Cleaning" items on FB.

I am smiling ear to ear in excitement for your family. Of course, there was a part of me that was praying hard you were prepping to move to, you know, the Deep South, but that's just bc I'm selfish.

Many blessings will fill you up in your new surroundings, all of you. It's a lot to leave, for certain. but, it's a lot to look forward too, and that's the fun part.

So many X's and O's I can hardly stand it :)

tracy@sellabitmum said...

Thinking about you on this amazing adventure. Congrats and huge continued prayers. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Oh wow! My heart aches for you, Anna. I know this is so hard! You are so brave! I know you will all bloom-you have no other choice. You want it so badly and your hearts and minds are in the right place. God and Jack are with you, lifting you up and guiding you. Here is to new beginnings! I know you feel like you are leaving Jack behind but I also know that you carry him with you wherever you go since he is part of your heart and soul. I have no doubt he will be present as he is now-at Taco Bell, in rainbows, and in silhouttes of picture frames. Still think about the story of your sister seeing a boy and girl in a frame at Michael's that looked just like Margaret and Jack. LOVE that! May the Holy Spirit continue to surprise and comfort you. Much love, Karen from Memphis

Anonymous said...

I think its fairly common for moving to push you to the edge --- which is terrifying, makes you angry, is uncertain and scary. And you can feel/should all of those things. But the woman I've gotten to know through this blog is not going OVER the edge. Even if she did, there would be someone to catch her.

GG said...

He will still be there with you, just like now. It's not the place that matters. You're already surviving the worst thing that could happen - everything else is do-able, as you wrote.
I felt the same way after my husband died and I moved away, and felt the same way when I became older than he ever was, when he was always 2 and a half years older than me.

Linda K said...

I hesitate to share this with you because I don't want to sound hurtful or insensitive or Negative Nellie type stuff, but I will do so with the hope that you accept it for what it is and that is that I'm sharing it out of love and concern for you, for your Margaret.

First: I enjoy your blog. It's heart-wrenching and full of hope and so sad and uplifting, and spattered with humor. It's a mixed bag of emotions. Most importantly, it is REAL and feels so REAL because the raw emotion that comes to life in your words.

Second: It hurts me at times for your Margaret to have to "live" in Jack's shadow. Her milestones are accomplished in light of what Jack's would have been. It just seems to me that everything she does or will do will be compared to what Jack did or would have done. I just feel this sense of sadness for her. It's like she will never be Margaret--she will always be Jack-who-died-sister who has survived him. I say that with a loving heart, I promise. Not as criticism but just from one mother to another mother as seen from my perspective. Please know that.

Third: We moved when our oldest daughter was starting middle school too, thinking this would be an easy transition for her to make. For us, it wasn't. But, every child is different and every child adapts differently. Margaret sounds like an outgoing child and can make friends easily. Our daughter was until we moved and she was the "new kid" in the middle school. She never adapted. And struggled with the social aspect of it all. If I had it to do over again, knowing what I know now, I would have never done it. You have to be the judge of your Margaret and her ability to adapt to the major change. And it is major. And, in light of the heavy 'burden' of being Jack's younger sister who lived.

I don't usually step into things like this. I usually just pray that for God's grace be present in all. I have prayed for you and your family and for His peace. And will continue to do the same.

Peace to you.
Linda

Thrift Store Mama said...

I am also a "bloom where you are planted" person which is why we are moving to Colorado after 22 years in the DC area. I came here at 18 for college and never left.

Will certainly pray for you, dear Anna.

Hang in there.

~Ellen

marthaleonedesign.com said...

Maybe, at first glance, the lyrics to this Mercy Me song seem a bit sad. BUT, it's powerful when you consider the message. God is the healer and He breaks into our hurt. Great things happen when the "hurt and the healer collide." We move on the same day you do and are experiencing a slight shadow of the sadness to letting go as you all are experiencing.

My comfort comes from the knowledge that God is my leader. He takes us where he will and I'm so glad that we can fall onto Him knowing that He won't forsake.

Here's a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxqfDs-64I0

Tracy A said...

I have no doubt you all will bloom with Jack making sure he is your watering can! :) Praying for you now. XOXo

Judith said...

Dear Friend I will simply pass on some VERY wise words another Dear Friend said to me (repeatedly)during some of my darkest times: You can do hard things. God bless you and yours. I know that you know Jack will be with you wherever you are and that he wants the family to have joy. Enjoy the adventure that newness brings. :0)

Arnebya said...

You will bloom, you WILL. All of you. You are still the wonderful parent you were before Jack's accident, though changed. And I believe, I believe with everything inside of me, that he is still here helping you, guiding you. His spirit is here. You will have new memories in this house but you will always have the memories in the other too. I love how the new house is similar to the old; it's a sign.

NanaDiana said...

Praying for you to bloom even though I have tears in my eyes as I think about your move. God bless your little Margaret as she enters a new school and life- xo Diana

Anna See said...

@Linda K-- don't feel badly about speaking your heart here. I feel all of those things for Margaret, too. xoxo, Anna

Erika said...

praying for you and your sweet family! (((hugs)))

Rachel Elizabeth said...

That second bullet point really got to me. I hope your move is successful and you love your new home. I hope your daughter loves her new school.

Robin @ Farewell, Stranger said...

This put butterflies in my stomach. Little nervous ones and bigger HOPEFUL ones. Wishing you all the best in the move.

Stimey said...

Congratulations on your move, Anna! I send all good wishes for your family on your move with full faith that you will hold strong throughout. Good luck, friend!

Gita said...

I am praying for you and your family! I believe you will all bloom. Much love.

Suburban Correspondent said...

Good luck with your move. Any couple that can spackle together has a very strong marriage indeed!

Tricia said...

I know exactlt what you are experiencing. 3 years after we lost our 16 year old daughter we decided to move. It was so hard to pack up her room but at the same time it felt like a fresh start where we could start moving on and maybe start healing. we still have her complete bedroom boxed up and everything still smells like her. It's amazing. You will bloom and you will do awesome. God bless you and your family.

Rachel said...

Praying for you! You're amazing, and it's so clear that Jack is with you as you write.
I'm hoping the new home and school for Margaret are good ones that help you continue to bloom!

I totally get the house search. We're searching for a different reason (getting married, kids getting a stepfather), and that's hard enough with my grandmother's ashes in our yard.

Chrystie said...

I have never commented before, but read your blog often. Praying for you Anna, and your family as you make this change. I pray that you feel the Lord's presence with you every step you take, and that the moving part passes quickly so that you being the path to blooming.

Kendra HeadlessMom said...

You can do it! You sound ready. With all you've already been through this will be small potatoes in the long run. Yes, prayers are headed your way for every transition and new thing to go smoothly. God's got your back, and so do we.

xo

Lisa said...

Jack is living in you every day...in each of you. Trust that you are making the right decision and move forward with confidence and the grace that you always show. Embrace the newness and begin the rebirth. Praying for you in California.

twingles said...

I believe you can handle anything at this point. And Margaret is starting a new school but it's really a continuation of the old one, no?
We moved from NY to NC 3 years ago. Kids weren't happy. At all. two 10 year olds and a 6 year old (well she didn't care). Kids are happy here. They think NY is old and dirty LOL.
You will bloom. Memories are in your heart, and you'll take them with you.
Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I've always loved this quote and it seems especially fitting...“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”
― A.A. Milne

God bless.

mommagail said...

Although I am confident that with your strong spirit your family will bloom, I will hold you in my prayers. Try not to get overwhelmed by the big picture; baby steps will get you there. oxox Gail

Michele said...

In the words of Phillip Phillips:

"Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home..."

Prayers for you.

Anonymous said...

I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster you are riding. Congratulations on your move. You will be leaving the house where Jack lived but he will live in your hearts where ever you are. You will take every memory with you.

There is nothing wrong with comparing Margret to where Jack was or would be. I lost my twin sister when we were babies and that has always been a part of my life. Praying for you and your family!

Cassie @ Primitive & Proper said...

sending up prayers and wishing you all the best in your new home... you will bloom!

Rach said...

Many prayers for you as you have a bunch of big milestones approaching.

Congratulations on the selling and move! How exciting and terrifying all at the same time--from the girl who loathes change. ;o)

Hugs and prayers!

Anonymous said...

Getting your decorating mojo back in a new-to-you home sounds like a very, very good thing. And you'll be wonderful there! Bloomy, busy, and creating new memories to cherish along with your old ones.

love,
jbhat

Stumbling Towards Perfect said...

We were looking at houses before Avery died. Only one house she saw with us on the first walk-through and I loved it. It was a mere two blocks from our church and her school and backed up to the cemetery she would soon be buried in. After she passed away I desperately wanted that house. (I wanted to be as close to her as I could; as bizarre as that sounds. And I was okay moving HERE because she had been IN the house.) I was almost frantic - and God decided the house would be home to another family.

It's been nine months and I'm in a different place emotionally. Our house is the same small one she lived in the 5 years before her death. I just moved my office into her bedroom which doesn't look so much like a bedroom anymore, but some of her things surround me, and I like that. We still refer to it as Avery's Bedroom.

I don't know what God has in store for us. I don't know what God has in store for you. But I do know this: when we work (or speak, or write) for the Glory of God we cannot go wrong. He will make sure we bloom wherever we might be.

I will be praying, always praying, for you and your incredible family.

Anonymous said...

Will pray for these new concerns as have prayed for all of you since Jack's accident. Trust in the One who is leading you (I know you do!). "For I know the plans I have for you says the LORD."

Princess Kate said...

With God All Things Are Possible. Prayers to you all on your new journey. Here's to blooming brightly.

moorefamily said...

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. Isaiah 43:19
He will continue to keep His hand on you & your family as you navigate through these changes.
Much love from a sister-in-Christ

Sybil@PeaceitallTogether said...

Even though Jack never lived in your new house, I know you will find a place for him there. Praying you all will bloom! :)

Geri said...

Such a personal, hard decision, which I am sure you looked at from all angles. Sending much love and good wishes to you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I haven't posted a comment in a while, but I've been reading along with you, and feeling your pain with you. Moving is a big step, and you don't know how things will turn out. But sweetie, you have been through the worst of the worst. Your family is strong, even though I know you don't feel strong a lot of the time. Try to think of this as an adventure. As a new chapter. It doesn't mean turning your back on the last chapter (not possible), just turning a new page. We're here for you, even when we don't comment.
Janice

Noah's Mom said...

Oh, dear Anna...I think you are ready to do this and will be taking Jack with you wherever you go. I truly believe you will be fine and we will all be praying for your specific requests as well as our usual prayers for your family. My husband lost his daughter 23 years ago (at age 11) and he has brought her with him...in his heart...every step of the journey in his new life. My husband is a quiet man, but gave a surprise testimony 1 day at Church about his Faith and his experience with God the day of her death that was a lesson for anyone with doubts of God's existence. The entire congregation was in tears (I had never heard the story before that day). It was a wonderful story & so very comforting & I know that is how he gets through his days and his life now. You too, seem to know the secret. Sending prayers & hugs.
Lee Anne

Sharon Lane said...

You are so brave Anna. I'm a single mom and I've never loved my house. Every spring, I want to move, but my kids would rather not because this is the house they've always know and are comfortable here. Honestly though, it scares me shitless, the thought of moving. The thought of taking on a whole new slew of projects, of being in a different neighborhood, and of doing it on my own. So, I'm excited and nervous for you all at the same time. Plus, I've been asking God for a sign as to whether we should stay or move now. Maybe this is the sign that I should be brave and we should move to a house that I can love? God bless you all.

Missy Whittington said...

1 Peter 5:7 : Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Love you Anna

Anonymous said...

I got to see the psychic John Edward in Baltimore in April. He zeroed in on a woman in the audience and said " I see moving boxes" she said, " yes I'm moving " he said, " and you don't want to leave his room right?" She started to cry and said her young son had died of cancer and it was hard to leave that house. John Edwards told the mother " your son doesn't give two hoots about that room, he is with you inside, that is home...not your four walls". He went on to tell her many things about her son that she confirmed to be true. I personally got a VERY unexpected reading from him that day, from my 15 yr old German Shepherd! I will never forget that day!
Hugs,
Robin
Fairfax Va

Anonymous said...

Praying that all will go well with the move and that all of you will bloom in this new home. Go Margaret! I know she is going to have a great year! :)

Allyson in Alabama

Jamie Reese said...

❤❤������

susan said...

Praying for you and your family Anna. Praying that you bloom in a way that is beyond your expectations, exactly as God has planned. xx

Jenn said...

I'm so happy and excited for you, Tim & Margaret. Anna, I can already see you all blooming there, with Jack's warmth shining down. Sending hugs and prayers. Love you! Xoxoxo

Debby@Just Breathe said...

You know I am praying for all of you.
((HUGS))

Anonymous said...

You WILL bloom, Anna and family! The house sounds like a lovely place where Jack's spirit will feel very much at home.

Praying for you now and always.

Sarah Blackwell said...

It is so hard to go somewhere they haven't been. You are so brave, you and the rest of your family. And such a wonderful mother. Prayers with you and your family. Many, many prayers.

Elaine Alguire said...

This is a big step. But it sounds like it will be a wonderful home for you all, including the parts of your son that you will carry with you.

Prayers that all goes well with the move.

xoxo

Anonymous said...

HI Anna
I follow your blog but haven't ever commented.
I just moved after living 20 years in my home.
It was tough.. it was hard.. at times it was terrible. Having to touch every thing.. every memory. AND.. I had no traumatic event.. I was just moving..
Moving is just hard.. and emotional.
My advice.. be kind to your self. Hire. cleaners, hire help, go out to dinner.. even if you can't afford it. Be kind to yourself.
Five months later.. I'm loving my new home, creating new memories, holding on to the old. It's the right thing to do.. don't confuse the physical act of moving( which just stinks) with moving. You will bloom. You are in my prayers every single day.

Julie Austin said...

Oh Anna. I just love reading your heart. I have 'met' you through your blog and I've 'met' another mom who has stage four cancer through another blog. I look at you ladies and at times I catch myself thinking that you both are some kind of super-human women, because to walk through what you walk through seems so unbearable. And then there are times that God reveals you both to us and we see that you are super women, no doubt, but not super human. Sadly. I hope that by writing you can feel all the rest of us women trying to lift some of that burden. With love and prayer, encouragement and hope. Your ability to be open, I hope, gives you strength - I know it gives the rest of us strength. We rise up best when we rise up to carry one another.
Thanks for giving us all a chance to rise up.

Anonymous said...

May you bloom!

I hear complete conviction, which I'm sure is the result of a long process, that moving is the right choice. May God help you in all things in the months to come.

Sharon @ Elizabeth & Co. said...

That is big news Anna and I'm sure it was a very difficult decision. But you do know that Jack will always be in your heart, no matter where you go. I hope it will be a new beginning for all of you and an opportunity to bloom again. Praying for you and your family!

Beth said...

Moving really stinks, no matter what the circumstances. The grunt labor plus emotional turmoil stirred up is exhausting. The fact that you have taken so much energy already to make a positive change for your family, speaks volumes! It will be a new chapter, and hopefully will help you all feel refreshed. Maybe there will be a little sacred area for Jack that he will point out to you as you move.

Anonymous said...

I'm from the other side of the world- Tasmania, the little island state off the bottom of Australia. I have been a reader for sometime now although have never commented. At my girls local primary school there is a grade 6 boy who looks almost identical to Jack. I don't always see him but when I do I am always reminded of you and your family. Sometimes I wonder how you all are, sometimes I have a sense of sadness, other days I have superficial complaints as I ferry the girls to their classes ('gee I wish it was summer here like it is for Anna's family!'). Now when I notice him I'll send prayers for this next journey ahead for your family. And for the arrival of the Australian summer! All the best x

Anonymous said...

Moving is hard. No two ways about it. It's not unheard of to have a pastor or priest come bless the house for you! Could be nice. And you might sneak little unexpected gifts in Margaret's boxes so when she goes to unpack them, she is pleasantly surprised. Just an idea. Or put something cool in her bedroom before actual moving day so she can be surprised when she walks in. Heck you could do it for yourseld too! (sort of) Moving is hard but I suspect it will not be THE THING. It can be very helpfully distracting actually.

Lisa C said...

Big news, indeed. I can't imagine the decision making process but I'm hopeful this helps you ALL bloom!

As always, much love and luck with your new home.

ella said...

This was a heart-wrenching post for me. I can relate (though not in the exact way) to moving from a home filled with memories, without a part of your family that should still be with you.
I will pray for you and your family!

GrahamForeverInMyHeart said...

Every move is stressful, even good ones. You've had so much change in your life (too much change), so I suspect you'll find yourself overwhelmed with grief at times.

Nevertheless, your family is doing this together and you'll also have fun and make new memories.

Ultimately, I believe you'll look back and be pleased with your decision. Congratulations.

Steph said...

I pray with all my heart that you and your sweet family blossom in your new home. Much love to all.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! I second the sentiment that moving stinks--but I think change is good. I also am a 'bloom where you are planted' type person, but everytime I've forced myself out of my comfort zone I am always amazed at how much more vibrant I bloom. I need that nudge (okay I need a full on tackle) to stir things up. I am the type of person that will eat the same thing for breakfast for months on end.. I am married to somebody that is the exact opposite.

I can't imagine how hard this move will be for all three of you given the circumstances. Try to resist the second guessing. Jack will be with you always-- no matter where you go.

I am sending prayers and comfort...and don't stress too much over the boxes. My mom always said 'unpack the kitchen first'...everything else can wait. (this from a woman that's been in the same house since 1974:)). Best of luck, Nova Mom Jen

Lisa said...

Sending prayers and good thoughts with all of the big changes and transitions and milestones. It's a lot...but like you said, it's doable...and you will hopefully bloom prodigiously where you will now be planted.

Kara said...

I just love you to pieces. Prayers are coming your way.

Cynthia said...

You are amazing.

Following Closely said...

We lost our 11-yo son the January after you lost Jack. I have often thought of moving because our son actually died in our home. Every time I walk by where he died my heart hurts over and over. It's a constant reminder he's gone and that a death angel was in our home. I just want to move far away from here. Yet, on the other hand, our son LIVED in this house. There are so many more reasons to move from this house (our jobs and kids' private school are 30 minutes away, etc), but I just can't do it...not yet. I am excited for the day when I am ready...and I hope to bloom and thrive as your family will! God bless you guys. I know the next month or so will be tough emotionally...Our daughter just turned 12...something our son never did on this earth...my only advice is don't dwell on the sad stuff...just try to look forward to the good stuff like fresh paint and look for God's other blessings that turn up that make you feel close to Jack!
http://followingclosely.blogspot.com

Christin Phelps Webb said...

In my heart of hearts I feel that you are definitely doing the right thing. Be brave and keep moving. You'll be rewarded by finding that Jack is still every bit with you, and you'll be able to enjoy him more once you are all really blooming. Praying for all of you. xoxo

Marinka said...

That is huge news! Omg, you're going to ask me to come over and paint the new place, aren't you? I can read between the lines, you know. xo

Kelly Pack said...

Such wonderful news! I know it's oh so terrifying. But the change will be good I promise. It's hard in ways because I know our new neighbors just don't understand...everything. But for me I get to have a piece of my self back again, the accident doesn't define my life as much here. You will honor Jack more by being happy and by being the best you. I know you know that. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Every time, just when I think I am going to make it through one of your posts without crying your amazing way with words and emotions makes me well with tears.
#2 blew.my.mind
Good luck with the move, I hope everything goes smoothly for you and your family.
~Christina P (NS)

Stacy @bklynstacy said...

Anna, I am so going through the same thing, though so different, of course. My son and I just moved -- a BIG BIG move, out of NYC, 45 miles north, to a hamlet -- not even a town! We have land, trees, a swimming pool, no sidewalks, and some room under the eaves. But it is daunting and scary. Earlier in my blog I said I was running TOWARD, not away. But when the boxes were packed and I closed the door on our apartment, I realized I was also very much closing the door, bringing this ring cycle to its close, the years of tears and pain and being afraid and unsure and losing my faith and refinding my faith and being naked and new, but in an old body with some of the old baggage. It's a lot! This change. But yes, to bloom, sometimes you need to repot the flower, this we know. And I am very sure that you and your family will BLOOM and BLOSSOM and GROW! I already feel so much freer and more at peace, and I wish each and everyone one of you the same. My parents are very much here with me -- in the frogs and the dragonflies, long-held stories that represent both my parents -- and I know Jack will show up in all his magical ways as well. Breathe in the new and keep the old. This is the way we move head. Sending you much love, SLM

Anonymous said...

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/04/opinion/sunday/the-trauma-of-being-alive.html?pagewanted=all&_r=2&

Mariah said...

Oh, Anna I will pray for you. I think that this is an exciting thing to do. Scary, sad, and exciting. I wish you the best, and I can't wait to see your redecorating projects :)

A Speckled Trout said...

Godspeed moving from one house filled with love to another. Jack will already be there before you turn the key. xoxo

Diana Lesjak said...

Bloom, bloom, bloom... You already have been blooming~ Home is always where the HEART is, and you take it with you WHERE EVER you all go. Much love and prayers to you and your sweet family of four!

Anonymous said...

@Following Closely, I'm so sorry for the loss of your young son. You've been through a lot and are still going through a whole lot. God bless you and give you continued strength.

Lori G. said...

Praying for blooming ... a bouquet of blooms.

Janet Kyle said...

Anna,

You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Your beautiful Jack will be with you always, no matter where you live.

Janet

Heidi said...

I finally have a quiet moment to catch up here, to be with you and what you're going through. I think a move could be a good thing, a fresh start, a deep breath. I'm happy for you. I know there are many conflicting feelings and loss in leaving, but I like "bloom where you're planted". There is hope in that. You'll put down roots somewhere else and you will bloom. I know it.

Heidi said...

Hi Anna! I just left a comment, but I might have left it as Scott. My husband is nice and all, but he is no me. :)

Lady Jennie said...

This is a lot, Anna. With God it's more than doable, it's bloomable.

I love you

Donna said...

Anna, thank you for telling us specifically what you'd like us to pray on your family's behalf. When people ask me to pray for them, I often feel I don't know what to pray but you've given me the words which I can repeat over and over throughout the day and that makes a huge difference for me! It may be a "duh" for others but it's a revelation for me.

And thank you also for the word "bloom". It's just perfect.

Multigrain Woman said...

Thank you Anna for sharing your heart and mind with us. Last Tuesday a 10 year-old girl was shot to death as she left church with her Sunday School teacher in Cairo-Egypt. You came to my mind when I was thinking about Jesse's mother and how we can reach out to her, I don't know her but I know her brother who is a pastor at an Evangelical church here. Thank you for helping us all, those who grief and those who try to be there for others who are grieving.
I'll pray for you, Margret, and Tim, and maybe your next big plan can be a trip to Egypt :)

Sherri Newman said...

It's happening. After all the "should we, or should we nots". There will surely be many tears, but I'm glad you've made the decision that speaks to your heart. Very touching thoughts! Love you my friend!

LisaAR said...

You continue to amaze me. God's blessings to you, and special prayers for wild, beautiful blooms that last and flourish.

anymommy said...

Praying you will all bloom, along with Jack's memory. I know you will.

Cat @ BudgetBlonde said...

I don't know why but I kind of knew you were moving, maybe its because you were asking us to pray about big changes, and that was the first one that came to mind. I hope this goes well for yall. I'm sure that it will be an adjustment, but I hope you will enjoy making it your own. xo, Cat

Nindi said...

You are such an amazing women and mother. Praying you, Tim, and Margret bloom with peace and love. As I write this, I'm staring at your sweet son Jack's photo and blue ribbon magnet that still grace my fridge.

Julia said...

Yay! A new house, new projects, your renewed mojo, new friends, new neighbors. And Jack will be there in your heart and soul and all around. Life is all about endings and beginnings and change. This change was your choice and I have nothing but best wishes for all of you!

Vanessa said...

I've been a follower since "before" and now I follow along through the "after".

I never could have imagined the impact you {a virtual stranger} could have on MY life as I have grown in these years from a newlywed to a new mom. Thank you for being a voice of grace, a voice of faith, a literal representation that God can and will deliver us through all things. I'll be sending my prayers for ya'll from Texas!

ShoppingMom said...

We lost our son at age 3 on 10-14-11. He had a virus we did not even know he had and when I put him down for a nap, I had no idea my strong funny, Buzz-loving little boy would never wake up. In less than 2 years, we have moved from NY to VA, changed jobs, changed schools (our almost 7 year old daughter) and had a baby just 2 weeks after moving here. We are holding our heads up, weeping at times, and laughing at others, but it took turning our world upside down to get through our grief. Moving out of the house our son died in helped me, but my husband dragged heels to leave. We all walk a different walk, and it is not right or wrong, so I pray you and your family find peace in the path you have chosen for NOW, knowing that it is what you need to move forward, which is all we can do after losing our beloved sons. XO

laura@imnotatrophywife.com said...

you are blooming. Take something from your house, jacks house ..from your garden, a rock, a pinecone, a a photo and plant it in your new house, in a garden, along a border edge. Bloom.

Anonymous said...

Wishing you and your family well with your move. You will look back and see that this was the right decision. Jack will always be with you. Can't wait to see your projects:)

Always thinking of you Anna...

Kat Biggie said...

This must have been such a difficult decision and so emotional for you! Thinking of you and wishing you well on the move!

Julie Fleming said...

Praying, as always, for you and your beautiful family.

Anonymous said...

You are all a family, and you'll keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you will move forward as a family. You may hit a rock or a dip, but you'll pull up and out, with your dear hearts at your side. It will be okay.

Robbie K said...

Best of luck! I can't imagine it was an easy decision to make.

Following Closely said...

Thanks so much.

Anonymous said...

Ok I've never commented before. But I find great comfort and hope and laughs when I read your blog. I experienced a great loss just a few months before Jack passed. My 34 week old baby died...before birth for unknown reasons. I was thinking as I read your post...wow. Exciting. Scary. Nerve wracking. Brave. Crazy. Hopeful. But I wasn't going to comment until I read my "prove you are not a robot word". Which is Assettle...ok. I find that hilarious. I thought it might make you laugh!