I lift my head from my pillow of drool. There is Alicia on the TV screen, looking smashing in a vibrant fitted suit.
She has been with me through 3 months of morning sickness, the week my back went out after I dared go on a power walk with a friend, a sprained ankle, insomnia, and now two days of a virulent stomach bug. I wasn't sure if I was on the same episode I'd been watching when I drifted off to sleep, but it didn't really matter. There would be an unsavory client, or a deserving client. Perhaps two law firms would merge, again. We'd have sexual tension, and a glimpse into the underbelly of the political world. The Good Wife has been my binge watch for the past 6 months, season after season coming to me on Amazon Prime. Tim and Margaret are now used to seeing me propped up in bed, dealing with whatever my most recent ailment is, with Alicia and Peter in the background. We'll watch something together on TV and I'll say, "Did you know that he/she guest starred on The Good Wife?"
A few days ago, feeling gross from an illness that ripped through the three of us, I pondered whether I'd ever be able to eat again. Whether I'd ever feel normal, or take a shower. And if my bedroom and TV exile were indicative of how life would be for the next year of birthing and breastfeeding and sleeplessness. Could my numerous ailments and TV binge-watching foreshadow what was to come?
Although not necessarily sick of The Good Wife, I was getting sick of feeling sick and stuck, so as a way to wallow even more, I of course decided to add up how many hours I'd invested in this show.
120 hours. Granted, during some of these I was asleep, having finally drifted off, but still.
What else could I have done during those 120 hours?
Taken several college classes
Started writing the novel that is bouncing around in my head
Written articles for magazines and websites
Outlined and pitched my next non-fiction book
Read a good portion of the Bible
Read! Read! Read!
Finished a baby registry
Set up a speaking schedule for next year
Learned a language online
KonMari'd the heck out of the house
Okay, some of these things are harder to do from a bed than others, but I definitely could have accomplished SOMETHING during those many hours of TV watching.
One thing I'm learning from this pregnancy, however, is to let go, and part of that is going easy on myself as far as the changes my body is undergoing, surrendering to the differences between this pregnancy and my others.
Part of that may also be letting go of expectations of accomplishment during this time, which is difficult, because I realize that I have much more time NOW than I will for the foreseeable future. It's easy to feel as if I'm wasting time, or doing time, and forget that this is just one season in a long, complicated, beautiful life.
I'm certainly not proud of my binge-watching, but I am glad to have had Alicia, Will, Peter, Diane, and Cary with me during these months.
Hmmm....potential baby names?
p.s. This quick article by Jon Acuff about binge watching struck a chord with me today.
p.p.s. I failed the glucose test and will go in for the 3 hour version on Monday. Yuck.