Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The Winter of my Discontent?

Today is my 23 week prenatal appointment!

I'll let you know how it goes. As of now I'm still in my robe, trying to stay quiet in case Margaret is asleep, when in reality she is probably hunkered down in her room with her computer. She is the early bird, I'm the night owl, and the teenaged sleeping all day thing hasn't hit her yet.

Sleep continues to elude me.

My routine is to try to go to bed around midnight, but I'm restless and awake until at least 2, usually 4. During the time between 12 and 2 I get up about three to four times to go to the bathroom. I know I should be "storing up sleep" during this trimester, as if that even works, but instead I feel sleep deprived, draggy, and uncomfortable.  Two years of poor sleep before pregnancy haven't helped either. I'll ask the doc today if she has any advice, but really I just wanted to share some of what has been running through my head during those waking hours when all is not calm, all is not bright.

Of course I'm worried about whether I'll be able to mother a baby again. I saw a newborn baby last week. The tiny-ness! The vunerability! The gaping portal of need! In my head I know I can do it, and I'm trusting the process, but lack of sleep whispers doubt and doom into my head in the night.

Oh, and did I tell you we are going ahead with our kitchen renovation? The one that predates this pregnancy? When we found a great kitchen remodeler last spring, he said he couldn't start the project until January. "That sounds PERFECT!" I replied. "We have nothing going on early next year!"

It doesn't seem so perfect right now, because I am thinking that the third trimester, a house in chaos, and you, know, a possible blizzard or two might push me over the proverbial edge. I don't know. I figured if we waited until after the baby came, we would likely never get around to it, but I'm still apprehensive about the dust, the noise, the lack of a working kitchen for 8 weeks, and how to keep the dogs from being traumatized. I want the kitchen, I just don't want to have to GET THERE, you know, and I feel greedy and "things-y" for bringing this problem on myself in the first place.

Our family likes structure and order, and I think this will be a challenge for all of us, pets included, barreling right up against the biggest game changer of all-- the new baby! Is it too much? I think of all of the Christmas decorations to put away,  a kitchen to pack, furniture to store, and a baby room to figure out, and I wonder why I wanted to redo the kitchen in the first place, when right now I kind of want to torch it all. Then there's the expense. We chose to remodel the kitchen before I found out how much having a baby would cost under our insurance plan. The numbers are staggering. So the thoughts churn as I toss and turn, eventually waddling from bed to bed, couch to chair, hoping to find a comfortable place to sleep. I think the lack of sleep is what caused my shingles to flare up again last week.

Although I am not a morning person, and never have been, I do understand that things always seem brighter in the morning, or at least by mid-morning. Because now it is 10 am, and my be-robed self has a much better attitude than I did in the night. The dogs are snuggled together on a dog bed at my feet, Margaret gets to go to a cookie baking party later, and the temp is in the 50's in December!

And we are NOT going to think these crazy-warm temperatures portend a blizzard on kitchen cabinet delivery day in February, right?


Fiona said...

It will be ok - really it will.

I am also a late night worrier, and in the past couple of years have found my fair share of things to keep me up at night, but what saved my sanity in the end was pod casts.
Try it.
Find something distracting, interesting, relaxing, or just plain silly, and while you wander put in some headphones and allow yourself to be distracted.
Select your pod casts during the day when you are feeling good, and let that help carry you through the nights.

And whilst I know you don't know me, I do know that your journey with this baby will be amazing.
So will the new kitchen ;-)

Julie said...

You will love your new kitchen! And you're right; you probably won't ever do it if not right now. Enjoy! This too shall pass... And hey, look on the bright side - a non-functioning kitchen means lots of eating out. ;)

Kate S said...

Hugs, sweetie, I'm built very much like you, and I know, I understand. It's the niggly things that keep me awake, if I stop and think about big picture things, I'm done. Love you!

Carol-Anne said...

I second the PODCAST suggestion. When I awaken, I just put my earphone back in my ear before the crazy worries start creeping in...and within minutes, back to sleep!
Bless you!

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

I just finished a snuggle session with my DIL and sweet 15-day-old grandson. All he does, aside from being perfect, is sleep, eat, and poop. If you nestle in and not try to do anything else, I think it is all quite doable. In fact, perhaps while the kitchen is in disarray, some nice nesting and resting is a good plan.
This does not at all come with a dismissal of those middle of the night worries. I've got those, too. I like the happy podcast idea.

Sarah H said...

Some thoughts to hopefully help:

*)Speaking as someone who knows nothing about meteorology but grew up in a house full of armchair weather persons, this season seems more like a bust snow wise save for a few surprise wet flake storms that will disappear in a matter of days.

*)I was miserable my last pregnancy even though, after a few problems the first trimester, everything was smooth sailing healthy baby-wise. I snapped at my children, I broke down and sobbed when I realized I had bought the wrong milk, I'd get up at 4 am and watch the sun rise (not always fun) while chugging decaf coffee and basically took everything as a sign that all was not well with me and the baby. After giving birth I slept for sixteen hours straight (only waking when the nurse brought my son in for feedings) came home to a house full of Christmas craziness (he was born a few days before) with extended family, running around, and general shrieking and...I felt great. Almost all of the anxiety I had carried with me those nine months left me as I navigated my messy life with my littlest while everyone left for school and work. Of course it came back as soon as he learned to crawl, but that's to be expected. :)

*) I had the mother of all bad kitchen remodeling- seriously, people still speak of my facebook rants. But I did come out of it with some great insight: 1).Make sure you have a full size working refrigerator at your disposal, 2)crock pots are for people who plan ahead, so...don't unless you have and organized morning ahead of you. Instead, purchase a large plug in fryer that can be used to pan sear meat and even boil noodles. 3)Salad and all fresh veggies/fruit are your friends. It is much easier on your psyche to eat chik fill a nuggets if you do it on a bed of spinach with apples for desert.

Have a wonderful Christmas and New Years full of the 10 am hour.

www.robinbotie.com said...

Okay. What else can we find to worry about?
Wishing you and your family a beautiful holiday with lots of peace and relaxation.

Amanda said...

People swear by the pregnancy yoga classes for helping with stress relief and helping with sleeping. Not sure if you can given the should issue, but it might help that too. Just ask the local studio if they have classes or can recommend someone.

Rachel said...

You can do it, Anna! I'm in my late 30s with a four-month old (my first) and I thought the lack of sleep was going to drive me crazy, but it's gotten better. You just have to survive those first few months, as you know. :)

Totally agree on the podcast recommendation-- I even just recently found one that really helps put me to sleep in the middle of the night when the baby is wiggling but not awake and I can't sleep. It's called "Sleep With Me/Helps You Fall Asleep Via Silly Boring Bedtime Stories." Helps me so much and I can't tell you what the stories are about because I always fall asleep!

Hang in there! So impressed with you. :)

Unknown said...

So Anna, food for thought: It is possible for postpartum depression to actually be anxiety and OCD. And it is also possible for it to start pre-natal. In fact, we now call the mental health issues inherent in pregnancy PMAD--Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder. I'm telling you this because when I had my third baby after 40, I also lost my ability to sleep in the second trimester, an issue which continued into the third. There were nights that I never slept. After our daughter was born, I slept for the first three months and then when she started to sleep in longer stretches, at four months, I fell off the deep end of the ocean. I don't ever want anyone to feel like that, so when my red flags go up, I speak up. There is a wonderful organization out there called Postpartum Support International--they have a website, tons of resources, and a hotline number. Just in case, sweet mama. Just in case.

Melanie Dorn said...

Anna my twins came 6 weeks early while our house was being renovated, Kathryn came home during the week we had to live with my parents because our one bathroom had been demolished. Everyone helped us, neighbors, family, people I didn't even know. One fellow mom who had four kids of her own drove My oldest to preschool every AM for months! I nursed her at neighbors houses on way to visit Henry in NICU because I couldn't even take her in ours it was so dusty. Those were fun times :) You have a million people supporting you through this! Ask for help if you just think you might need it. You are not alone. Love laughing and crying with you through your blog and in person. Hugs!

Unknown said...

Unisom! My doctor actually prescribed it for me for an anti-nausea. It helps to sleep, too, though. Good luck!