Wednesday, September 24, 2014

How Preschoolers and Peri-Menopausal Women are Alike


I was thinking today that there might be more than a few similarities between preschoolers (of whom I’ve known a few) and peri-menopausal women (of which I am one):

Sleep:

Preschoolers need a nighttime routine.  The schedule must be followed strictly in order to assure success. Lovey? Night light? Books? Hugs and Kisses? Check. Anything slightly out of sequence could lead to crying, flailing, an insistence on just one more sip of water, or crawling into bed with her now-cranky parents.

Peri-menopausal women take nothing in their sleep routine for granted. Cold room? Complete Darkness? Sound machine?  Significant other an appropriate distance away so that zero body heat migrates to Peri’s side of the bed? Last cup of coffee before 2pm? Check. Failure to follow this routine could result in a nighttime trip to the bathroom to expel one microscopic drop of pee and leave Peri up the rest of the night worrying about college tuition, middle school oral sex rings, and the environment.

In both cases, if not enough sleep occurs, melt-down mode could surface the next day, in which case preemptive naps or quiet time might be in order. See Also: Eating at regular intervals

Potty:

One has been potty trained for mere months, the other for decades, but both a preschooler and Peri might find that it’s easy to get so caught up in what they are doing that…uh-oh…the distance to the nearest bathroom might as well be the length of the Mall of America. Note: Belts are the devil.

Comfort:
Preschoolers take their comfort seriously. No itchy tag shall remain unbanished, and socks must somehow feel un-sock-like. Sometimes nothing other than a ratty, fleece sweatshirt or a princess nightgown with rain boots feels right, at home or in public.

Peri has spent decades following the trends, and while she has skinny jeans, a maxi dress, and plenty of chevron in her closet, she also heeds the siren song of yoga pants and “soft dressing” as much as her schedule will allow. She may consider her bathrobe a fashion accessory, and aren’t those pockets handy for her reading glasses? Peri’s quest for drop dead gorgeous shoes is now married with a desire for comfort, and she may have a pair of flip flops stuck in her purse, because who has time for sore feet anymore?

Other People’s Opinions:

Preschoolers do not yet care what others think of them, and they lack any sort of filter.

Peri has spent decades being diplomatic, and trying to please others, but now she is beginning to no longer give a shit. Peri is being herself, speaking her mind, and, where applicable, testing the waters of letting her freak flag fly! And if preschoolers can wear super-hero capes out in public, why should Peri leave hers at home?

Food:

While a preschooler’s limited palate is often described as picky, Peri’s can be chalked up to knowing what she likes and sticking with it. When she goes into a restaurant, she’s going to order her favorite dish, because why mess with success? If this restaurant has the best chopped salad, chopped salad it will be (again!) Preschooler will stick to the quesadilla and fries, thank you very much.

Passions:

Any preschooler with a halfway decent passion will pin you against the wall and tell you 1000 facts about My Little Pony or the Diplodocus dinosaur. Even the bathroom is no escape from a preschooler’s fire-hose onslaught of information. A preschooler will know every factoid and desire any accessory, officially licensed tie-in product and game associated with her interest.

There’s no such thing as too much when it comes to Peri’s passions, either. Whether it’s Cross-fit, essential oils, running, soy, or meditation, she’ll be sure to fill you in on HOW. IT. WILL. CHANGE. YOUR. LIFE.  Peri is growing and learning, and she’ll be sure to spread the gospel of her passion wherever she goes, even if that’s a bathroom stall. And if her passion lends itself to numerous gadgets and accessories? So be it.

Simple Pleasures:

Give a preschooler a box, a string, and a slug, and she’ll be busy for an hour. Peri knows about simple pleasures as well. She has seen the world and been on adventures, but to Peri there’s nothing better than the little things like sunshine, chai,  or cuddling up with the remote before 10 pm.

Friends:

Preschoolers do not see color, socio-economic status or IQ, but they do have amazing radars as to who is kind and would make a good friend. They gravitate toward those people at the sand and water table.

Likewise, Peri has gotten to the point where she wants to be with people who are genuine and who bring out the best in her. She’s finally ready to leave the rest behind.

I can do it myself!:

Both preschoolers and Peri can be independent and self-assured, diving  with flourish and flair into whatever lies ahead on a particular day. When a preschooler insists on doing something herself, it will  take twice as long, and be done half as well, but it leaves her feeling  proud.

 Peri is at the height of her career and productivity. She is highly capable, and every day she does twice the things in half the time, and does them well.

But both a preschooler and Peri want someone else to swoop in sometimes.  A preschooler sometimes needs to know she’s still your baby, as you wipe a smudge of her face, pour bubbles into her bath, or wrap her up in a big terry towel. Peri is used to doing all these things and more for other people, but she would love it if sometimes someone would reach around her shoulders, tell her everything is going to be okay, and just take care of her for a little while.
 
What do you think? Are there any more similarities?
Signed, Peri.

 


 
 

 

48 comments:

Kim said...

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Kim said...

Oh my goodness - this is so true! I have a preschooler AND I'm probably perimenopausal (44).

My poor husband.

Anonymous said...

Why yes this is so true!!!! marsha@tubbslanefarm.com

Stephanie D said...

Love, love, love this. :)

Anonymous said...

Basically I'm thinking, Oh crap, THIS is the height of my career and productivity???

Japolina said...

Very true. My latest comment to anyone who will listen is that it is g-d's cruel joke to make women become their most hormonal right at the time their children are teens and also hormonal. My poor husband...

Carol B. said...

You don't know me, but you described me PERFECTLY!! Lots of truth here and very affirming!!!

Carol marsh said...

You light up my day

OSMA said...

"Peri is being herself, speaking her mind, and, where applicable, testing the waters of letting her freak flag fly!" YES, freak flags unite!

"She has seen the world and been on adventures, but to Peri there’s nothing better than the little things like sunshine, chai, or cuddling up with the remote before 10 pm" Gospel, Peri. Add to that a very fluffy pillow and we have nirvana.

"There’s no such thing as too much when it comes to Peri’s passions, either. Whether it’s Cross-fit, essential oils, running, soy, or meditation, she’ll be sure to fill you in on HOW. IT. WILL. CHANGE. YOUR. LIFE." Hahahah! So true. There are actual sects of EO girls in my neighborhood. They are serious about their medicine cabinets, or lack thereof. And I'm pretty sure there's a secret handshake.

P.S. Now I really like the name Peri.

Vanessa said...

You are reading my mail, sister! Fun post!

Anonymous said...

I know I mentioned this before, but when your life story is made into a movie, I hope Jessica Chastain is chosen to play you - what a beautiful smile you have! :)

Suburban Correspondent said...

Belts ARE the devil. Yet another reason to love those JAG jeans...

Anonymous said...

Yikes.....I have a preschooler and I am living the life of a P-M, mostly Post though and not Peri....If your doctor tries to talk you into something to take away the flashes, beware of certain meds.....they make you gain weight!! What could possibly be worse than that? Oh, having your preschooler tell you that you look BIG!!

Common Household Mom said...

Ha ha! This is The Truth! My name was Peri for the past few years, but now I have changed it all the way to Full Menopause.

If you want my take on it, just google, "I am the very model of a perimenopausal gal" which are my lyrics, to be sung to the tune of "I am the very model of a modern major general."

Common Household Mom said...

Ha ha! This is The Truth! My name was Peri for the past few years, but now I have changed it all the way to Full Menopause.

If you want my take on it, just google, "I am the very model of a perimenopausal gal" which are my lyrics, to be sung to the tune of "I am the very model of a modern major general."

Sherry said...

What a wonderful blog post, and how true it really is, I love your writing. God Bless, Sherry

Gigi said...

From one Peri to another...you nailed it!

luv2run said...

So so so FUNNY and so SPOT ON!!!!!

Hugs and more HUGS!!!!

Rach said...

Ha! I LOVED this! :o) We have both going on in my house right now, I can SO relate!

Colleen S. said...

Loved the comment about sharing your passions. I bought a Vitamix and, oh my, you would think I solved the meaning of life with my spinach-and-grape smoothies. I really loved your book, by the way, and sent it to a distant acquaintance who lost a daughter in a violent car crash. I felt out of place doing it, but was bolstered by your post about how to encourage someone who is grieving. I hope and pray all good things for you going forward. You have been a blessing to me.

gardner701 said...

So funny & very accurate. Spent most of my perimenopausal years teaching preschoolers. It was great because I could really relate to them :)

Allison - The House of Hendrix said...

This is absolutely hilarious. Sharing now!xoxo

Sharon @ Elizabeth & Co. said...

Oh Peri, you are such a wise woman! You totally nailed it!!!

Ashley Brown said...

This is hilarious!

normaleverydaylife said...

This hilarious and so true! I can especially relate to the sleep routine. I guess I'm not the only one worrying about everything under the sun in the middle of the night!

Anonymous said...

I'm laughing because I'm pregnant now, so most of those things describe me. Then we will launch into peri territory with two toddlers (the kids will be 2 years apart in age). Thank goodness we will have a large yard for my husband to work in....

Kir said...

I Love this...like I'm nodding, laughing/crying and saying, "I must share this!"

You're funny and fun and I love those parts of you Anna.

Anonymous said...

hahahahahahahaha!!!!

Couldn't agree more and love the "Peri" name.

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness this post had me laughing! So true, so very true.

Anonymous said...

exactly
Meg

Anonymous said...

Iol! Describes me to a tee! My daughter is sixteen and much like the preschooler ( except cross :/). My poor hubby

Jessica Rapisarda said...

This was absolutely hilarious. I think, a bit ironically, pregnant women could easily be added to this list. Oh the urgent but microscopic drop of pee in the middle of the night. Mother Nature is such a passive-agressive jerk sometimes.

Amy Stuart said...

Agree! I have another to add:
Anger:
Both the preschooler and the peri will yell, stomp, throw the things that are closest to them at inanimate objects, complain out loud to anyone within ear shot about the perceived injustice and then require a snack and a nap to feel better.

ThriftyGirl51 said...

Very fu.nny and true! You could add forgetful and quick to tears. And how do you feel about friends who constantly announce in public to whoever will listen that they're hot flashing ! I have a friend like that and I just cringe.

Heidi Cave said...

This is awesome. Love, love, love.
By the way, my kids are finally back in school which means my writing self should be restored, but not before I recover from this ridiculous cold I just got (thank you kids), and I will resurrect the blog which means I will share your beautiful, beautiful book.
Love you.

www.robinbotie.com said...

I'm Post. I hate to have to break this to all you Peris, but Post-Menopausals get to be even more like Preschoolers in all of these areas. Sorry. Keep cuddling that remote.

Suzan Sweatman said...

LMHO - I just loved this - and wait - it gets much much better ( not )
http://suzyq-vintagous.blogspot.ca/2012/11/its-be-kind-to-menopausal-women-day.html

xoxo

Dessa Wolf said...

Oh, you are so RIGHT ON!!
-Signed Another Peri

Viviane said...

Thanks for sharing! These are awesome!

JH said...

Some--well, "many"--years ago, this Peri told her husband as she was going to bed, "If I don't wake up, remember that I love you"! FATIGUE, FATIGUE nearly did me in! When I actually DID wake up, I headed to the GYN for 12 wonderful years of HRT (before we knew it was BAD BAD BAD!) I used to say that for me, life began with HRT.... Oh, well....

Alison said...

You are brilliant, just brilliant.

Anonymous said...

Amazing. You were making me weep this morning as I finished reading Rare Bird, and now you are making me laugh as I wipe away my tears. I totally get this, since I am Peri too. The best line for me was ensuring the perfect sleeping conditions. It has to be right! And no Sig-O body heat now, when before spooning was mandatory.

Much love to you Anna,
jbhat

Elaine Alguire said...

The food thing cracked me up! The pee thing? Not so much. ;) I'm so glad my robe has pockets...

Kathy Glow said...

No wonder my three year old and I get along so well. This was hilarious!!

Anonymous said...

Hahaha!! Know exactly what you're talking about. Have just started some cream my Dr says some women call "the anti divorce cream".

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Fun post and you hit the nail on the head with this one!

Jodi W said...

Anna, I know I am a bit late on commenting, but I had to say this made me laugh. I am writing this in yoga pants with my glasses on while thinking who the heck cares if the neighbors think all I own are sweats and yoga pants.

Mary Kate said...

I absolutely love this post. Based on your hysterical descriptions, I have one foot solidly in each camp. Thank you for making me laugh so hard that I had to run to the potty halfway through reading. And, yes, belts are the devil.