Wednesday, January 11, 2012

What's the Plan, Stan?

I've heard from others, and maybe even said to people before: "God knows just how you feel because he had to experience the death of his own beloved son."

Here's the thing: I do believe God knows exactly how I feel because, well, he's God. He knows everything and He cares deeply. But acknowledging that He suffered when Jesus died just doesn't do it for me. I mean, God is GOD. I am a 42 year old mortal woman. He breathed life into the Universe. I just breathe.

God willingly sacrificed His son to save us from our sins. I just let my 12 year old go outside and play under very questionable circumstances. God had a plan with the death of Jesus. God knew the plan, and Jesus did too.

I am not privy to what the plan is here. It certainly doesn't mesh with my simple, possibly mundane life goals of raising 2 kids to love God, love others, have decent taste, and hopefully not turn out to be big jerks. As a family-- to know each other and be known. Oh, and to eventually get at least a few grand kids out of the deal.

In the loss of His son, God had the big picture in mind. I have a limited, dim picture, and what I can see is too hard and unsatisfying.

Just as we have more than amply ascertained that I am NOT God, Jack is NOT Jesus. He is just a kid. A special, soulful kid who got caught up in a bad situation. And besides, Jesus got to come back after 3 days and hang out with his friends and family.

I don't think that's asking too much.
video

98 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's not asking too much at all.

Anna, I dreamt about your family last night. I sort of popped over unannounced and you were all out back by your pool (you had one in my dream). It was odd, because I could see Jack there with you and Tim and Margaret. You couldn't see him anymore, but I knew he was there with you. We talked about it, and you and I cried while I held you for the longest time. It was a beautiful dream...upsetting, but beautiful.

jbhat

Anonymous said...

How I love your honesty and addressing something that needs to be said!

Christina Berry said...

You are so right, Anna. It's not the same. You didn't choose this. Jack didn't choose this. But I do trust that God has a plan that will one day be made clear to you. Until then, you and your family remain in my prayers.

Amanda said...

It is frustrating, isn't it ? In our humanly flesh we cry out, stamp our feet and say it isn't fair to hurt this much and all I want is to hear him say "Mommy" again and hold his hand. I wish you could climb into my brain because what I am thinking makes more sense then just these simple letters.
When I think of my perspective as opposed to God's, it is dim and long and scary. I have anger, sadness, frustration and hate at my situation. But when I really sit down and think of what Daniel did in my life, his ministry to me and my family, and what that little boy is still doing in my life (and for those around me)-my growth, my ability to love even more strongly and faithfully and my chance to be a vessel for God, it doesn't take away the pain, but it gives me hope. Hope that his passing wasn't in vain, that my little boy was used then and is being used now. I take pride in knowing that God trusted me to carry and raise Daniel even for the short amount of time and I have comfort in knowing that God knew this, knew of Daniel's life and knew I would need him and offers his love, grace and support to me every moment.
We could both look at ourselves as faulty moms, but we would we want to condemn ourselves for what we think of as a horrible error in judgement? Look back at all that you showed Jack, the love you gave him, the hugs and kisses and support. I know that Jack would never love you any less for what happened.
God is at work in your life through all of this. I know you've helped me and I thank God that I was brought to your blog.
This is one of my new favorite quotes:
"You are as far away as my heart"

Leslie said...

IT'S NOT THE SAME. Oh my gosh, it's not the same.

Anna, I'm so sorry. I've never wanted to go back in time so badly in my life. I am SO SORRY.

Always praying.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Perhaps some find solace on the idea of God understanding their grief... But it really ISN'T the same. So if it doesn't bring you comfort, then it's not worth the consideration. You give God enough of your faith. You don't need to give Him this one too.

Love you.

ella said...

I can't believe this was God's Plan. I do believe He has a plan for getting you through it, and will make sure your little boy's death was not in vain.

xoxo

Meredith Self said...

I guess you've heard a gazillion odd statements in relation to Jack (my own included, maybe even especially!)

Big hug. No words really change things. So just big, big, hug, big, big, love honey.

Still Playing School said...

I hope you know your writing is helping other grieving parents like me. Is that part of the plan? Regardless, I hate this for both of us.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your loss, but I believe it was a very bad accident, not the hand of God. I hope and wish the best for you and your beautiful family. Mary

Stimey said...

Your children in that video are so beautiful. Love to you.

Anonymous said...

the "what-if" will always be with you... and the "Why Jack" as well... there are no answers... mother nature's freak accident at the expense of Jack.. :-(..... Your writing is amazing Anna. Your son would be so proud of you. Praying for your continued strength. xo Patty

Tracy Balderach said...

I stumbled upon you through friends of friends. My heart aches for your pain. I do know that the Lord Jesus will comfort you and it's so hard to understand why He allows us to suffer in order for his grand plan to unfold. I can only hope that you feel Him with you and that you are receiving strength and comfort from all of us who are touched by your blog. I am praying for you and your family from NYC!
Tracy

Betty said...

I think it can help to think of Mary. She was there at the cross and saw the death of her Son. How painful. She did not have the big picture in mind probably, or at least not very clearly. She saw others hating Jesus to the point of a bloody death. She was there all the time and saw everything. You can find understanding, consolation and hope if you go to her. God didn't cause this. He did let it happen, for a reason we do not know. But He does know your grief, and He does have a plan. How hard to live with this, but stay in His hope and you will find comfort. A big hug, more than many words...

The Empress said...

I'm with you.
'
I often cringe at what is said when people fall on the trite, meaning well.

I don't believe this is God's plan..I believe it is life.

And because of God, we have hope.

And hope is the only thing to cling to when something out of a nightmare happens.

Anonymous said...

Well said, Empress.

Anonymous said...

Well meaning people should just keep quiet when they don't know what to say. I'll admit when you joined us for Dia's luncheon it was clear that your soul was in turmoil & you attending was probably in support of Dia who also needed support for an awful year. I wanted to talk normally of food, clothing, Christmas plans. But let's be honest in the back of my mind I was painfully aware that those things didn't mean a hill of beans to you. I would have preferred to talk about jack or Cameron but I don't know you that well & we were all trying to be cheery & positive. When I left I prayed for you bc I could see the struggle on your face. Bless you Anna for leaning into the pain of grief but still getting out of the house. Wish I could say something to ease the pain but can't. You are a mother who lost a child. No words for that except from one mother to another I have empathy for your tremendous loss
Sandie Brown

Anonymous said...

No offense directed at the folks who said that to you ('cause there are plenty of times we all want to do/say the right thing and it's elusive), but sometimes people who don't know what they should say should just be quiet. Gah!

Keep at it Anna! xo

Lee Ann said...

Anna,
Thank you for being honest and raw. I think sometimes people assume if we question God, its "wrong". I dont think that at all. God can handle our doubt, fear and questioning of His plan. He simply wants a relationship with us, and for us to rely on Him when we are in the pit of depair and we dont know the answer to why we have to go through horrible things here on earth.

So keep asking those hard questions. Given that I have seen God work in your and your family's life in very obvious ways since Jack's death, I have no doubt that He will provide just what you need.

Still praying....Lee Ann

Kara.k.O said...

Love you, Anna!! Love the way you wrestle with these things. Thanks for sharing it out loud so we all can ask, grow & change for the better. Praying, praying, praying...as always! kara

Kate said...

I just found you from your guest post at ScarryMommy, and I can't begin to imagine such a horrible event happening, or how I could live through it. Your strength to write so honestly is amazing. You have my deepest sympathies. It would NEVER occur to me to say something like this. I never do know what to say, but I know it would never be this.

What I will say is that in reading some of your back posts, Jack is an awesome kid and you can be proud of him and the job you did raising him. I think he and my son would have made good friends.

L said...

Right on, Sister (and so many sister commenters). Love you!

Suburban Correspondent said...

I heard somewhere that God doesn't prevent our suffering, but he suffers with us. Sometimes I've truly felt that, and it is comforting.

But I really hate it when people say that God is making our children suffer so that we can learn stuff. Hello? Teach me some other way, thanks.

Rach said...

As a general rule, I'm a Pollyanna, so I'm always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. I know people say dumb things (I'm right up there with them), but they really are harmless. They just don't know what to say so they say that which brings comfort to themselves, hoping it will ease your pain a smidge as well.

You will find comfort and peace in your own way, in your own time, and that's perfect. You expressed your thoughts so eloquently here.

As always, I'm so very sorry for your loss--Jack was one incredible boy.

My prayers for you and your family, and hugs,
Rach

Patricia said...

Yes, you are right Anna, it truly is not the same at all.....I think people are trying to comfort in any way they can think of - sometimes it is better to say nothing, and just be there. So, right now, all I will say is that I am here, praying for you, hoping for you, and I will continue to do that......

Anonymous said...

You are exactly the mother that God chose for Jack. Exactly. Don't you let your mind go to places that make you responsible. I think it is the coolest thing ever to go out and play in the rain and I think you are a great Mom for sharing your stories with your kids about how you did it when you were young. You cannot make yourself responsible for this. Heck, isn't there some saying that says we are just pushing our own ego when we think we have such power ! You did not make this happen. You did not make this happen. It happened. It is awful. It is not your fault. I am praying for you today. You are not alone. Much Love from just another plain old Mama trying hard every single day. Just like you did. Just like you are.

Paula said...

Thanks for sharing your emotions here. People try so hard/too hard. I don't believe there could be any plan that would take Jack away from his family. I HATE that saying "God wouldn't give you what you can't handle" - what the hell does that mean? God thinks so highly of me that he gave me these awful trials and tribulations to live through??? Not my God. My neighbor lost her husband to a sudden heart attack in Nov. I just posted on her FB wall a saying that I'm finding comfort in: God doesn't give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we are given. Better. A little better.
I pray for you everyday. Peace.

Anna See said...

Thank you for every one of these comments.

I don't want anyone to think I'm judging what they say when they reach out to me (except the ones who are tempted to say they understand my pain b/c they've lost a dog before). I would much rather have someone reach out,in ANY mannner, than not reach out at all.

Anyway,I was hesitant to write this post because my thoughts on the BIG PLAN go back and forth every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I don't think I'll ever understand it fully until I'm in heaven. My sister says: "God didn't cause this, but He can redeem it." 10 yr old Margaret says, "God didn't make it happen, but He KNEW it was going to happen," thus the premonitions, etc.

Sometimes I think God DID make it happen-- that Jack had a much greater purpose than he could fulfill in a 70 lb, 12 yr old body. I always felt that he was a wise old soul.

When I look at all the improbable events that had to come together for the accident to occur, it is hard not to think there is a greater purpose in all of this... but I guess I just have to hold all of that in tension for right now. God knows. Jack knows.

But the point of this blog post was just that I'm not God, and I didn't choose this, and boy does it hurt.

Ingrid said...

Sending love your way Anna. Unimaginable pain....

Erin said...

Every time I have a fleeting thought of your family, I say a silent prayer for comfort, rest, peace.

I don't think God took Jack from you and I REALLY don't think it's the same as Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. Not. At. All.

On a positive note, that video is priceless. I'm so glad you have little nuggets to hold on to like that.

Anonymous said...

Amazing to hear Jack's sweet little voice and yours too. xo

Marinka said...

It's not too much to ask. And it's not the same. And thank you for sharing that video with us. xo

Susan said...

You are right, God does have a plan and in our finite minds we can not see the big picture. You may never understand His plan but all you or any of us can do is hold on with our faith, as weak and struggling as it may appear at times, knowing, trusting the promises in His Word. It's ok to grieve, to struggle and to question... just keep clinging to those promises. Have been praying and will continue to pray.

Anonymous said...

People who say these things just want what we all want - to say something, anything that in any small way will make the unimaginable horror you are suffering be a little easier to bear. There is nothing we can say that will remotely do that. But boy do we wish there were something. I know God knows all of this and how much you are suffering and that He loves you so very much. Beyond that, none of this makes any sense at all.

Princess Kate said...

Oh how I wish I had words to comfort you but I don't. So I won't even try. I'm just here, I'm listening and I care. Your video is so precious. I can see the gentleness about him and the goodness in him. Praying for you and your family constantly.

Leeann said...

No, not the same. Not even close.

And, just so you know, there are tons of us who let our kids play outside in questionable circumstances. Why? Because honestly, they don't seem that questionable. That rainy day tons and tons of kids all up and down the Mid Atlantic were outside in the rain. You aren't to blame, Anna. You didn't make a bad choice to let them play outside. You just didn't. And if you'd kept them in, while all the other kids were playing outside in the rain, you would have felt guilty for doing so.

You are not to blame, Anna.

New Mom said...

I have been thinking about my comment ever since posting it on your last post. And I have been praying with all my heart that it didn't upset you. Jesus' death is not the same for sure (it was just my anxious ridden way of trying to find an answer). Thank you for your post today, Anna, and I sincerely apologize if I caused you any more pain. God bless you and the family!

New Mom said...

And I meant to say, what a sweet thing to see Jack on video.

geri said...

a few people told me this was part of God's plan, losing Nick, and all I could say was well that was a really really shitty plan then. If I believed this was God's plan, I would hate God, I believe, as someone else said, it is just life on earth. kids get cancer, husbands drop dead of heart attacks, fathers commit suicide, all sorts of horrible things happen here. I don't know why, they just do. People will say the darnedest things in times like this, and sometimes I would respond. Like the girl at work who told me "remember, God doesn't give us anymore than we can handle." i kindly said 'well sweetie, that isn't really true is it, because some people kill themselves, obviously there was more than they could handle going on." she just stared at me. and the next day came back and said that she wanted to thank me for saying that, because she had never really thought through that little platitude before, and she realized she was telling me I could handle something she wasn't even sure she could handle, losing a child. In my experience, platitudes, one liners, catch phrases don't begin to touch something like this, and for me made it harder, can't tell you how many times I wanted to scream at what some people said. But I do realize they were just trying to be comforting, in their own imperfect way, many not even knowing what this was like, throwing out words while all their children are alive and well. some wanted me to be strong, to be an inspiration, to show them that people get through this. what the heck ever. I am simply a mom who lost her beloved son, trying her best to keep on going, not lose her mind in grief and sorrow.

you have written such true words, no we are not God, our children are not Jesus, there is no comparing.

and the video of your beautiful children, back in the 'golden days'? oh my gosh, i smiled and laughed, and then cried and cried.

Keep writing. i think there will be much healing for you there.

A sister in grief in the loss of a child.

Ellen Shelton said...

Continuing to pray for you and your sweet family Anna!

mgh said...

Oh, Anna.
Since you like to keep it real... here is the truth...
I've been thinking along these lines every single day for the last 4 months. I was trying to keep my mouth shut because you were doing such a great job of being positive. And I thought maybe this whole God and Jesus analogy was really working for you... I didn't want to mess with a good thing.
Even at Christmastime when I heard 'Mary, did you know?' I was thinking that was a little better analogy. But still... she had angels to talk to and 30+ years to coach herself into understanding. And that one last time to say good bye when he returned with assurances.
If I had written this post... I think I would have to replace my keyboard. There may have been pounding involved. This is NOT fair!!!

For whatever it is worth, it rained here today. I thought of Jack all day long and asked God, "How long is this going to hurt?!" I'm sorry I couldn't make out his answer.

I love you!

Anonymous said...

I think that trying to understand right now would be uber frustrating. It just stinkin' hurts so much, just to breath, to blink, to do any stinkin' thing. In those times, I remember hearing His voice...just to trust Him to get me through the next breath, the next blink. To keep my fingernails growing so that I can keep hanging on by them. Of course God has a plan. But that's not exactly helping right now when all you want is your boy back. Let's be real here. Hurting with and praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Anna. We're not God, we're just little human mommies loving our babies. I admire you....in your circumstances I might punch someone who said something like that to me in my grief.

I hope you can let yourself have a break soon.You sent your little boy out to play with his friends in the rain. It was a totally normal thing to do. Not at all questionable.You have nothing to beat yourself up about. Any time any of us walks out the door (or, from what I read, into the shower) - it's a crap shoot. You are a wonderful mother who is doing a beautiful job raising your beautiful family. Always. Always. Forgive yourself.

Anna See said...

I usually don't reply here in the comments section, but New Mom I don't have your email address, and I hope you will see this. Just want you to know I absolutely did not take any offense at your comment yesterday. I truly appreciate ALL comments as we struggle to understand this. My feelings are all over the map, day by day by day. Today's post is something that has been rumbling around in my mind for a long time and was not sparked in any way by yesterday's comment. Love, Anna

New Mom said...

Oh my goodness, you never cease to amaze and bless me! Thank you for the sweet comment and reassurance when I should not even be on your list of priorities! Nonetheless, my comment was sitting uncomfortably within my spirit and I wanted you to know that I was sorry for it. You are teaching me a great deal about grief and faith and I so appreciate your beautiful candidness. (p.s. I will check out my profile... not sure why my email address isn't attached.)

Brittany..Following my Bliss said...

Your way with words is simply amazing.
Death sucks, thats all I keep telling myself and the people that mean well, I know they mean well, but seriously, you hit the nail on the head.
Prayers continue as you journey this valley of grief.

LauraBeth said...

Sending continued prayers and hugs for/to you, Tim, and Margaret....

With love from the other side of town

Lisa said...

I thought of you, of Jack, of Tim & Margaret today..."Good Life" by One Republic came on...and I thought about your prior posts...about your beautiful boy. I question why this had to happen, and I am just a bystander...reading from afar.

Thinking of you...and for what it's worth, I don't think it's asking too much to be able to see Jack, touch him, hold him just one.last.time.

Wishes for peace for you....

Anonymous said...

I love you, just love you and I don't even know you. You are amazing,

L said...

Love you so very much.

NanaDiana said...

It is hard to see the big picture on our end of things, isn't it? And I know how heartbreaking and yet wonderful at the same time to wath those videos from the past. Blessings to you- xo Diana

Heidi said...

There are some incredible responses here. Kate's, Alexandra's...many others...I nodded my head along with them.
I don't know what to say and I don't know why this happened. I think you're doing the best you can. You just want your son back and all of us can understand that, including God. I'm angry and sad with you, for you.
You're incredible, you know? I hope I get to meet you.

Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e/Mrs. Seaman) said...

I can't read all these comments, so I may be repeating one or two.

I have been taught that God answers a prayer with a yes, a no way or a not now.

I too, as you may remember, have asked God to send Jack back to you--weeping as I pray, cajoling (yeah, like I can do that to God) as I pray...but it would seem to be that this is one of those not now answers.

Meaning you will see Jack again, and he will be whole and safe and good. But guessing at that Plan, it's not until Heaven.

And while that's a huge comfort, it's empty all the same.

I am repeatedly stunned each time I think of your reality, and I lift you up each morning.

Jeff D'Antonio said...

My brother's daughter died suddenly back in November, and that was kind of the final blow to my long struggle with faith. I couldn't (and can't) understand how a loving and compassionate God could allow an innocent child to die like that, not to mention the pain and unimaginable sorrow for her parents. When people tried telling my brother that God knows what it's like to lose a child, I wanted to punch them. Same when they told him it was all part of God's plan, or that everything happens for a reason. I wanted to punch them, because I couldn't find the words to say what you've said here.

Thank you finding the words I couldn't find. Wishing peace and healing for you and your family.

Annie said...

Two things. First I want to echo Leannes comment, I am the worlds biggest helicopter parent. I believe that most big risks are not worth taking in the name of fun. But as I have said here before I don't think even for one second that I would have viewed letting my kids go play out in the rain that day as a big risk. I know with one hundred percent of my heart that I would have made the same decision and as my kids say I don't let them do ANYTHING.

Second. I am going to share the view of God that the rabbi who wrote "when bad things happen to good people" said after his young son died. He said that he came to the belief that god could not be all good AND all powerful. And he knew God was all good and he could accept that he was not all powerful. I understand that this may not comport with your own beliefs but I find it a compelling thought.

Cindy said...

Love you, Anna.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Your words are so true. God knows the big picture, we don't.((HUGS)) It would be wonderful to have one more day.

DawnGes said...

Thank you, Anna. You are loved. You are beautiful, you are real. The video is delightful and precious.

mariann said...

You are not asking too much. prayers, hugs and love. I have held on to your sister's words since I first read them: 'G-d didn't cause this, but He can redeem it.' I DO believe that! B/c nothing is impossible with G-d. When I told my kids about Jack's accident, we sat and waited for them to all be able to speak coherently (which took awhile - a long while). Madison asked how
G-d could let this happen. I gave her what was probably the most feeble answer a mom can give their child to that question, but it was all I had and all I had been taught. here it is: This world is not our home. This place where we live now is not Paradise. Home and Paradise are in Heaven with
G-d. Because this world is not our home and b/c this world is not paradise, awful, terrible, unfathomingly wrong, unfair and tragic events happen here in this world. We will spend eternity with G-d in Heaven -- and there we will know how fleeting our time here really was - no matter how long we were here. All three kids expressed worry that Jack would 'miss' you, Tim and Margaret until you three were also with him in Heaven. I told them what I had learned: For Jack, he will feel as if it is the shortest amount of time that he has been without you. As if he is on one side of a door and you are on the other....and just as he closes it, you open it. And you are together again. I hate to be a pollyanna, but I had to share that on the odd chance that it might give you an instant of comfort. Much, much love -- Mariann Alicea

Brandi said...

I discovered your blog on Rants from MommyLand right before Christmas. I was going through some of their old posts I hadn't read and saw a link to you. I'm not a mom, not yet anyway. Reading this blog, the account of what you experienced and are experiencing has given me great insight into the love of a mother for her child. I hope that doesn't sound insensitive because I don't mean it to be. I can see from the pictures and the memories and everything else how much you love your family. I know you may not feel it but you are so very brave to share something so personal with all of us. There is so much I'd like to say but I know that sometimes it helps just to be heard. We're all here- moms and non-moms, and parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends and strangers- listening. I know that won't change what happened but I hope that it helps to know that you aren't alone by a long shot, even though it may feel like it some days. I'm praying for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

it totally bites not knowing the plan...i can't even imagine the sadness and amount of pain that you and your family are living. the thought of this happening takes my breath away and makes me want to curl up in bed under the covers and cry. the only peace i would have would be to know that he was happier than i could ever imagine, and the things he is experiencing are more amazing than ever. my heart breaks for you...i'm so, so sorry for your loss.

Auntie Mip said...

Anna,

I remember Jack. I remember that he is thoughtful. Not in a nice generous way(though I am sure that is true), but rather in a pensive, wondering way. He LOVED Legos. He had a dry, quick wit. He loved his family. He memorized and deeply believed verses for his life from the Bible. He had a beloved little sister, a best friend cousin and and auntie who loved him deeply. He was adventurous. He was tender. He was wise. He was perfect. He was yours. I remember him Anna, I really do. And not because I knew Jack, but because you knew and loved himso well that you taught all the rest of us who he was.

People say well meaning things out of sheer ignorance. Platitudes and easy phrases are meant to comfort them. To make sense of the senseless. All that matters, all that will EVER matter is that Jack is remembered. That will heal your heart. I remember Anna. Your boy was beautiful and perfect and he mattered.

Prayers for peace of heart!

Anonymous said...

Anna, To let your children out to play in the rain is not questionable. Playing in the rain is a part of growing up, no child should miss that. What happened was a terrible accident through no fault of your own.

Anonymous said...

Death sucks...yes it does. It is hard and miserable and a shitty thing to be left behind to deal with. Part of an unknown plan, no consolation and no one knows what it feels like to you. Every inch of your guts tells you that you must know, right now, what your baby is experiencing without you, how they could possibly do this without you and who is taking care of them. But, in fact, it is you who has to find a way to go on without them, realize that all of that is out of your control and allow others to take care of you. To have faith, means to trust that God is at work here, will get you through this, and will fulfill his promise of paradise...and we do have faith and we do go on and we do survive because the alternative (not having any faith) is even worse than dealing with this death in faith. Praying for comfort and peace for.you, Tim and Margaret every day.

Recovering Church Lady said...

Hi Anna, I was just re-reading some of my posts from an older blog of mine and thought of you as I read this one. Blessings on you as you make your way through this.
http://brendasusan.blogspot.com/2009/06/joy-is-stronger-than-crap.html

Lady Jennie said...

I'll send you an e-mail, my friend, because I have a lot of thoughts. I will pray not to say anything stupid and trite. (No reflection on anyone else's comment, just my own penchant for putting my foot in my mouth).

I love you.

Erin said...

Thinking of you and your Jack on this Thursday evening here in Australia, as I watch a beautiful sunset over the Indian Ocean.

Your love for your boy is so big and so pure that Jack will be remembered by people all over the world, people that never had the pleasure of knowing him in this life. Maybe there is just a sliver of peace in knowing what a difference his short life has made to so many.

Love to you and your family,
Erin

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you have to be without your beloved boy. It's unfathomable. I think people want to say things that help and nothing really does help. I'm just very sorry for your loss. I don't know you or your family, but I've been following your blog.

Kara said...

I always long for God to be more clear with me about his plan - like bill board clear, or ticker tape at the bottom of the screen as I watch television-clear. I do not understand the 'big picture' and my guess is that I wouldn't want to. I hate the pain that you're all going through and will not stop praying. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Formerly known as Frau said...

People always say God has a plan and I wish we could see it and I wish it wasn't with Jack in it so young. ((hugs))

Lindsay said...

oh Anna--once again, your honesty and openness amaze me. I HATE that you and your family are having to go through this...so I just keep praying and hoping for some small moments of peace and praying that God will keep showing you His love and keep giving you little signs from sweet Jack...loving you and yours so much.

Leah C said...

When it comes to grief, it's so hard to find the right things to say. And yet, somehow you do...you get to the heart of the matter...and I feel a whole range of emotions when I read your posts. We all want to comfort you and you end up comforting us.
Once again, I find myself at a loss with the "right words"...but I did want to express two things:
1)Please don't blame yourself. Like you said, you are a "mortal mom"...so many of us would let our children play in the rain. And
2) I WISH, like you & so many others, that we could bring Jack back. Just turn back the clock.

Hugs & prayers, hugs and prayers...

Leah C said...

And the video...priceless. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. xo

Mediterrangirl said...

Oh, Anna, this was a tragic senseless accident that could happen to anyone. Anyone. So so sorry! The video made me laugh and cry. Your love for your precious boy is palpable. The love and memories are forever. Thank you for sharing them with us. Praying for some peace and comfort for you, Tim and beautiful Margaret.

Orangies Attic said...

Love that video... makes me think I don't do that nearly enough, just video random everyday "stuff". I don't know what you're feeling, no one does, not even others who have been through losing a child. But thank you so much for opening your heart to strangers... I don't know if it is helping you any, but it is certainly helping us.

Just Words On A Page said...

Oh Anna - It's not asking too much not at all. No mother should have to go through what you have, and while yes God made the ultimate sacrifice, you are right, God is God. God made that choice on purpose out of his own free will. You didn't make that choice.

What I am trying to say is that there is no plan -- when I read about families that lose children it brings it home to me that we really have no control and that part is so scary to me.

I wish I could carry your pain for you, and help you with your grief. All I can do is stand on the sidelines and lift you up in prayer (I know that sounds cheesy) and care for you and your family from afar.

Anonymous said...

Anna,

Praying...I love your honesty...

I wonder if from the perspective of heaven, rather than saying, "He GOT to go back after three days," they are saying about Jesus, "And then he HAD to go back for 40 days!"

Oh, it so doesn't make anything from your perspective any easier. It is so hard, I think, for us to comprehend how glorious heaven is.

I wish this had never happened to you and your family...prayers and love. Keep holding on...or letting go...or whatever you need to do.

Lisa G.

Gretchen said...

I don't think there is a plan. I don't think a god who made a plan that required the death of small children would be God. Not my God. But I do think that if we are open to whatever source of divinity there may be in the universe, she will, perhaps, help us find the strength to get up again tomorrow. Holding you in prayer, Anna.

Salvimom said...

Querida Anna (Dearest Anna),

My simple human brain cannot adequately express the compassion I feel for you and your family in this darkest hour.

I stumbled upon your blog by sheer coincidence and have been struck by how beautifully you are able to express yourself even though you are clearly in pain.

From one mother to another, God Bless you baby. This stranger sends hugs and love from across the country. You are doing sooooo well. You are soooo strong.

I wanted to share these lyrics from Lauryn Hill's tribute to her own son, Zion:

"And I thank you for choosing me
To come through unto life to be
A beautiful reflection of his grace,
See I know that a gift so great
Is only one God could create,
and I'm reminded every time I see your face..."


Again, God Bless you! And thank you so much for expressing and sharing. My little ones and I will be praying for you.

Ury Salinas,
Seattle, WA

zcan said...

Love you, Anna.

Michelle DeRusha@Graceful said...

Well, there are always bajillions of comments by the time I come around, and everyone always says awesome, heartfelt stuff and I kind of get paranoid that I don't have the right thing to add. So suffice to say, I just keep praying for you and Tim and Margaret, Anna.

Lilia said...

Thank you Anna for your honesty. I can relate to some of your feelings. I have had arguements with God because of circumstances out of my control in my life. Then I realized when we are real with God, that is when you know your relationship is real. To lose a chid is not ever something you get over, but we have the hope that one day we will see them again. Just know Anna the Creator of this immense universe is wrapping his arms around you and your family. I will continue to pray for you and family. Blessings -L

Aimee said...

Speechless :( sending you big hugs to help ease your pain.

A Speckled Trout said...

A wise priest friend of mine once gave a talk about how he imagines heaven. He said he thought that when we met God the first thing He would say to us is I'm sorry. I'm sorry your husband got Alzheimer's, I'm sorry you never could bear children, I'm sorry that you lost your job, I'm sorry your mother was an alcoholic, I'm sorry your life was such a struggle............

He is so very sorry, Anna. He will tell you that one day.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anna,

You don't know me - but I found you through my daughter's blog. I live in FL but grew up in VA. I learned of Jack's tragedy within a day of it happening and have been following you and your family and grieving with you. My daughter cries every time she relates something you have shared in your blog. She told me the other day that not a day goes by that she does not think of Jack. She has two boys one 5 and one 3.If they were older I am sure she would have let them go out and play in the rain. Hey, that is what kids do.

I can't begin to imagine the pain you and your family are going through. As you can see many are grieving with you. Many that have commented have suffered similar losses. You certainly did not ask for this but God is using you to minister to others. Jack was precious and your love for him shows in each post. Tim's love and Margaret's does too. Please know many are lifting you and your family up in prayer. We can never feel the pain you feel - but we are going through the journey with you. You and your family are not alone.

While we may not know God's purpose in allowing this until we are with Him in heaven - we have to believe there is a purpose.

May God wrap His arms around your family and comfort you as only He can. We are all praying for you.

Kim

for a different kind of girl said...

I also don't think it's asking too much. No matter how much I attempt to learn things as I'm going about trying to learn and understand more, I simply still can't understand why things happen. I listen to my pastor tell us how God has a plan for everyone of us, and I'm not sure I'll ever fathom why the bad things have to be included. What is there to learn from these things. I'll never be able to understand why something like this happened, and I wish we all had the power to change it.

But even through the not understanding, I pray, and I'll keep you all in them.

IrishRN07 said...

Keep breathing Anna. Praying for you...

Shell Flower said...

I want to thank you for sharing your real feelings here. You are helping so many people through sharing your pain. For a long time I have wondered what drew me to your blog, but now I think I know. My friend's 10 year old son died in a freak accident in their home a couple days ago and your blog is helping me know how to be there for her. I will share it with her sometime, when she is ready. I just know it will help, so thanks. I can't imagine how hard this must be for all you moms out there losing children. I can barely function and it's not my son. It sucks and, yeah, God's plan seems pretty messed up right now. Let's hope it all makes sense someday.

Mama Mary said...

What a precious, poignant video! You are all still in my thoughts and prayers!

Laura at Ms. Smartie Pants said...

Forgive them Anna, for they know not what they do!

Wendy said...

Just wanted you to know I am praying for you this morning.

Anonymous said...

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither it be afraid. May you find comfort in this verse.. I'm prayn for you and your family. Romans 8:18, "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

Anonymous said...

Anna, I loved seeing the video. It was great to hear your voice & Jack's too. I hope you will post more. Love and prayers to your family.

Melissa said...

I have so many questions for God when I get to see him too (if I really get through the gates). I have a very different view of how much I can take but his bar is much higher for me I guess, and you, of our limits. We know now what makes us break. I stumble on the same things as you and still have no answers but I only know that my anger, pain and being so mad but no one to direct it at is finally gone and that alone can be him. No one person can share your pain but your blog is doing good things. As are you.

PeachPrenni said...

I don't think I would be able to see the "plan" either and I think it's a fair statement that God's grief was different from your own. Very different. As I have said before, I will have many questions for him one day. I wish SO much you could get that 3 day visit. Only seems fair!

Anonymous said...

just in the loss of his son he also sees the big picture or in the loss of your son...I cant imagine how you get out of bed or do simple every day tasks...I have not been in your shoes.. I have had times of despare..where i couldnt go on.. the only thing we can do is put faith in god.. trust him.

Gina said...

Thank you for stating what I have thought so many times in my own head. I love God and I know he loves us but that comparison of he knows what it feels like is just no comparison at all. He is divine and we are but dust.

Ali said...

Oh, I LOVED this!