Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Pumpkin Porn?






Each Halloween we visit “The Pumpkin House” in our town. Hundreds of HUMONGOUS pumpkins perch on scaffolding up and down the driveway, and the line of spectators snakes down the block.

Carvings range from cartoon characters and political figures to pop culture icons. It’s not unusual to see the gang from Twilight sitting next to Renoir’s Luncheon of the Boating Party. I am amazed how elaborate the carvings are each year.

Molly takes pictures of nearly every one.
When she saw one of a BULL with a piece of dooky coming out of its rear, and a big slash through it indicating, “NO,” Molly said, “Look, NO BUFFALO POOP! That’s so cool!” Cracked me up.

So we had presidents, Scooby Doo, the Mona Lisa, and even God’s hand reaching across the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel to touch a Jack-o-Lantern. Very neat.

This year’s theme was “optical illusions,” so the line went slowly as people tried to see hidden pictures within pictures.

Check this one out! See the old people? See the vase? See the people playing instruments?

The thing is, hidden or not, there was an awful lot of nudity this year. Seriously. I’m used to a Venus de Milo here or there. Fine. But several of this year’s pumpkins looked like they were ripped straight out of the K*ama Sutra.

I feared my 11 year old boy would encounter porn at some point, but I had no inkling it would be of the Pumpkin variety.

In fact, one pumpkin looked a lot like page 37 of a certain book my well-intentioned friend gave me years ago in an attempt to "loosen me up." When I found the book too hot to handle, I placed it high on my closet shelf. A couple years later, when my father in law was helping with a home improvement project in my closet, he found it and said to Tom, “Heh, Heh… I found your Instruction Manual.” Good times.

Anyhoo, I’m still a fan of the Pumpkin House. And I guess I don’t have to worry about teaching my kids “family life education,” something that is absent from our school’s curriculum. When they ask questions, I can just say, “Wait until next Halloween.”

And that’s no Buffalo Poop.

15 comments:

Lynn from For Love or Funny said...

I love to read your posts. You always make me laugh. And you've just reminded me to remove "that book" from my closet should my father-in-law ever come over to do a home improvement project.

Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e) said...

I got married a little over three years ago, and my small group (aka Bible study group) gave me a similar book. I was mortified! Now I'm trying to remember what I did with it. For a while it was hidden, but I didn't want someone to find it after I died...did I dare give it to Goodwill??

Anonymous said...

We were there last night and I was surprised too! I thought it was a watermelon seed, that got things going, turns out it's pumpkin seeds!

Kristina P. said...

I really need to step up my nude pumpkin game!

Anonymous said...

Can you write for a national paper or something? I wish EVERYONE could read you.

jbhat

Christy said...

Hahahaha - you have me laughing out loud dear Anna! I love it! Wait until next Halloween indeed. ;-) Miss you - hope to see you over the holidays when I bring my family to town!

Heidi said...

That was hilarious! Pumpkin porn...love it.

Sue@Uniquely Chic said...

Too funny, love this post. That optical illusion pumpkin is amazing!

Shana said...

Buffalo poop! Love it. I was reading my 11 year old's text messages to friends when she was home sick from school and she bleeped herself. She typed, and I quote, "I'm sick, I feel like BLEEP." We're raising a couple of good two-shoes!

dearheart said...

Your post reminds me of a book I've seen at card shops, entitled "Porn for Women," featuring handsome (clothed) men doing housework, etc.

I was hooked on all the G rated pumpkin "porn." There's a buffalo pooper for ya!

Nichole@40daysof said...

Instruction manual - I love it! There's nothing like a conversation about sex with your inlaws. ;)

K A B L O O E Y said...

Oh man, I am so shy about that sort of thing I even turned my "art of erotic massage" book to the wall. I was always afraid of the big kids (or my mom) seeing it. Finally, the stress got too much and I tossed it.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

That comment from your father in law is HORRIFYING (and hilarious). You know I would do that same thing. There is no loosening me up...the best have tried and failed.

Brenda Susan said...

haha! So funny! Who woulda thought you have have to protect your kids at a pumpkin show?

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Oh holy embarassment. And if they're looking for the hidden picture, you know they're staring at the pumpkins extra hard.

AWK-WAAARRRDDD.