When You're Climbing Up a Ladder...

I’ve been feeling pretty bad that we haven’t taught Molly how to tie her shoes yet. She keeps asking, and I keep saying, “We’ll do it in the summer when there’s more time.” Back in the day, a rising 2nd grader couldn’t get away with not tying shoes. I was the last kindergartner in my class to learn, and I didn’t want it to be public knowledge, so my dear friend Yvette secretly tied them for me for the first half of the year. In an age of Crocs and slip-on sneakers, however, shoe tying is getting later and later. At least at our house.

Well, you can’t say Tom and I haven’t taught the kids SOMETHING, because over the weekend, we added greatly to their cultural literacy. We were at an amusement park for the weekend and I was having stomach distress. Perhaps it was the two days in a row of my favorite fast food restaurant, Taco Bell, or one too many spinning rides, but by late afternoon, I was incapacitated.

From the other side of the bathroom door in our hotel room, I heard Tom start to sing, “When you’re climbing up a ladder and you feel something splatter, Diarrhea, bomp, bomp, bomp, Diarrhea.” So much for sympathy. I started cracking up and countered with, “When you’re lying in your bed, and you feel something spread, Diarrhea, bomp, bomp, bomp.” Since Tom grew up overseas, and missed some American culture, I didn’t know we both had derived so much pleasure from this catchy adolescent tune.

The kids stared at us in disbelief. Were these really their parents? The ones who let them watch only PBS until age 7? Who say “toot” instead of “fart.” Who refer to the backside as a bottom or, possibly, a rear? More importantly, was there more to this song?


Within moments we shared all the verses we could remember and added a few more:

“When you’re swimming in the pool and you feel something cool, Diarrhea…”

“When you’re sliding into 3rd and you feel a big wet turd, Diarrhea….”

“When you’re sitting there at school and you feel like a fool, Diarrhea…”

“When you’re on the monorail and you leave a squishy trail, Diarrhea…”

You get the picture. Sorry. Have a great day.