And She's Off!

Praying that this wonderful girl has an awesome first day of school and field hockey game afterward!

We are focusing on this momentous first day of high school with our cutie, and not doing anything special as a family to commemorate the 4th Crapiversary of losing Jack. One of our friends will be planting a beautiful tree at the cemetery for us, and we will go see it in a few days.

I have no wise or beautiful words, but I will say that life is complicated and I'm grateful every day for your love and support.

New Home Sweet Home

We are in our new house, and it feels really, really good.

Moving was a trial, and a few times I thought I'd be crushed under the weight of our junk, of both the physical and emotional nature.

When I went to the shed where I'd stored Jack's  Legos, complete with original boxes and directions, I discovered they were covered with ants and ant larvae. Teeming waves of black covered every box, inside and out. I was so angry and defeated. "How much, Oh Lord, How much?" I groaned as I spread everything in the yard and started clean up. Then I saw the mouse droppings. Really???

Around me, neighborhood kids played and squealed, enjoying the last days of summer, and hot tears sprang into my eyes as I thought ALL OF THIS -- this move, this day, this life--- should not be going down this way!

Yet it is.

It took 8 movers 10 hours to load and unload our stuff, even though I thought I'd done a lot of culling beforehand.  That's a lot of junk. I found I was much more willing to let go of things on a steamy moving day than I had been just a few months ago. So I started piling stuff in the carport to get rid of. And I just let myself be led. Because pages of Jack's doodles might look junky to someone else but are important to me, while some wedding presents, or an uncomfortable chair, barely used these last 17 years, were better off going to new homes.

There is something about this new house that feels gracious and good.

I'm not sure what it is. It's not much different from our old one, with the exception of a massive master bedroom and bathroom. Was there a lot of frolicking and cavorting going on in master suites toward the end of the Carter administration when this house was built? Because these rooms are JUMBO.

The main living areas are smaller, cozier, and situated pretty much exactly like the old house, so I was able to quickly figure out where to place things. Old me would have relished the challenge of a new floor plan. Anna 2.0 was just glad that the paint colors were non-offensive and I didn't have too many decisions to make. I do hope I'll have some small projects to share with you in the months to come.

I worked round the clock emptying boxes even as my shoulders ached. This is the kind of work I like. Sorting, organizing, beating a stack of boxes into submission. Seeing tangible progress. Moving things here and there and back again.

The spiritual, emotional work comes less readily, and is easy to avoid it under an armload of boxes or yet another "quick trip" to Home Depot.

That is the work that says: Today is the first day of school. Today is the day I should have become a high school mom. In just a few days Margaret will outlive her older brother. How does that feel? What do I do with that? How do we integrate Jack into our new home? Did I run away from our old house? Will I be able to write a book that in some way captures what all of this is like?

The spiritual work follows me as I assure Margaret I will spend much of the day praying for her, and then she asks me, "Do you do that every first day of school?" "Yes." An unasked follow-up question hangs in the air between us, "Did you do it two years ago?" And I think of the mysterious nature of God, because of course I prayed for them both. For their health. And their safety. And their friendships. And their growth.

The mystery follows us outside when we take our traditional First Day of School pictures on the stoop, our new front stoop, and an enormous praying mantis is in Jack's space to the side of the door, right where he would be standing, and I smile and wonder about this crazy life. Praying mantis. Praying. Yes, there will be lots of prayers for this little girl today. And some will be answered the way we want while others may not.

This blog is the place where I do a lot of the emotional and spiritual work. It has been tough to be away from it and from you. But the boxes are now broken down, I can find my devotional books and most of my underwear, and I'm enjoying the calm, peaceful setting and being here with you.

Who Has 2 Thumbs and Is Going to Have a Great Year in 6th Grade?

THIS GIRL!

Yes, I'm a PROUD Mama!

First Day of School Navy Blues Update

Phew! We had a great morning and Molly was already in her jumper before I even woke up. Love that first day of school adrenaline rush! Sure we helped her put her socks and shoes on, but I feel so relieved!

First Day of School Navy Blues

Just when I think I have my kids figured out, they throw me for a loop. Aaargh. School starts tomorrow. I was a little behind on the bedtime routine, but I was still hoping to get them to bed a decent hour after an unstructured summer of sloth.

In order to put off brushing her teeth, Molly decided to check out her school uniform options. What did she find? A stack of 9 identical jumpers and 7 neatly folded polo shirts. She has had frequent clothing challenges, but I thought our problem centered mainly on socks. Many a tearful morning has stemmed from her having a lump in her sock, an imaginary seam, or having one that just “doesn’t feel right!” Invariably, both kids are marked tardy because of Molly’s sock woes, and I am a screaming shrew.

Unfortunately last year's knee socks of choice have been discontinued, so I bought 12 pairs of seamless socks this summer and have been talking them up ever since with the fervor of an infomercial salesperson.

The polo and jumper thing has been our one certainty. Other girls opt to wear khaki or navy shorts or long pants on occasion, but not Molly. In her 360 day elementary school career, she has worn a jumper and a polo each day. The one exception was a trip to the pumpkin patch when she unhappily donned her tried and true “capri pants”—size 4 gauchos she has had since preschool. One summer she even insisted on wearing her jumper and polo to camp for a week because she loved them so much.

Sooooo, I've accumulated enough hand me down jumpers that I never have to launder them during the week. I've been well-stocked and feeling great.

So tonight, at 9 pm the night before school starts, she decides to wear pants. Why? Because that’s “what 2nd graders do.” She found a pair of navy blue floods (never worn) that I had purchased for her before kindergarten. She pulled them on and started cavorting on the bed in front of the mirror. Navy polo, navy pants, she looked like the Maytag repairman and was well pleased.

When I told her the rules said she needed to tuck in her shirt and wear a belt, she was not happy. When I told her she didn’t own a navy, brown or black belt per the dress code, she was in despair.

When I finally talked her down and got her into bed, her prayer went like this: “Please God let all the 2nd grade girls wear stupid jumpers tomorrow.”

Now I blog and I wait. If you are a praying person and if you read this in the early a.m. on Wednesday, please pray for Molly and for me. In fact, any time this week would be appreciated. And throw in some sock prayers for good measure.