Monday, November 23, 2015

It's A Glamorous Life

I had my monthly OB appointment today, and the baby seems fine!

The appointment itself had some ups and downs. I was running late, and got a bit frazzled when faced with a crowded parking garage. By the time I made it to the office, I had to pee, which is great, because that's the very first thing you do at each prenatal check-up-- provide a urine sample.

I sat on the toilet, relieving myself and also feeling relieved to have made it reasonably on-time despite a 30 minute fight with traffic. I looked down at the Dixie cup in my hand. Empty. I had peed all right, but I'd forgotten to pee in the cup.

Now, I am a prolific urinator, pregnant or not. Ask anyone who has been on a car trip with me. Just thinking of a waterfall or a raindrop will make me have to go. So, I sat there visualizing Niagara Falls, the ocean, and a tall glass of water, to no avail. I soon realized I'd have to wait a while before providing a sample.

Back in Reception, I explained my failure to produce and asked if I could please have a glass of water. Not a problem, they said. You might think a pre-natal appointment would be extensive, giving me ample time to work up a good pee, but I wasn't so sure. Because rather than gathering 'round me oohing and ah-ing, treating me like the Advanced Maternal Age Walking Miracle that I find myself to be, the professionals act, well, as if they've seen this kind of thing before, and this isn't the first baby to come around the bend. Thus, early visits are a quick blood pressure and fetal heartbeat check, a smile, and a "See you in a month." This is a blessing, because it means things are going well, but it didn't provide much time for the water to work its way through my system.

No fear! I KNEW I could produce. My bladder was filling by the second.

So, I said good bye to the nurse and headed back into the bathroom. However, I hadn't counted on the time and skill  it would take for me to wrassle myself out of various pregnancy undergarments while clutching a Dixie cup.

First there were the maternity jeans that come up to my chest.
A squeezy support tube top around my middle.
And the piece de resistance-- something that resembles a chastity belt, but that I like to fondly call The Vulva Holster, a utilitarian maze of straps and velcro designed to try to keep one's lady parts from dragging the ground whilst one walks. Mothering often robs us of our dignity, so why not start in utero?

I was doing fine with the wrangling, but I clearly did not expect what happened next.

As a germaphobe, especially around medical offices, I carry a jumbo pump bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse, to be used obsessively throughout my visits. My purse, weighed down by the pump, as well as my fears, jumped from the hook high on the door. Down it came, clocking me on the head and scattering my wallet and all the other contents onto the RESTROOM FLOOR.

At this point, the precious drops of liquid gold I'd worked so hard to produce over the last half hour did burst forth, not into the Dixie cup, but into the multitude of undergarments with which I struggled.

Nooooooooooooo!

I wanted to seize my personal items from the floor, hoping that the faster I did it, the less germy they would become, but I was here to give a urine sample, and I wasn't leaving until I did. So I lunged back over the pot and managed to secure the remaining pee in the Dixie cup.

Whew.

Since I couldn't celebrate this small triumph with a glass of wine or even a McDonald's iced tea because of the caffeine, I treated myself to some quick thrift store shopping, where I scored some new-to-me maternity clothes.

And I only had to stop to use the bathroom twice.

24 comments:

One crazed mommy said...

Oh my gosh...I literally just laughed out loud! How awful, but what a funny memory that will be later. Ewwww on the bathroom floor, though. Yuck! Glad you and the baby are doing great, though! :)

Mary Michelsen said...

I could totally picture myself in that situation and I was "only" 38 when I had Brian. Continued prayers for a healthy pregnancy and some better bladder control :)

Suburban Correspondent said...

Oh, I do remember peeing all over my pants once when squatting to do that urine sample (I hadn't pulled them down low enough because I didn't want them touching the floor). Humiliating...

Beth Marshall said...

Anna, you just made my day.
I'm sitting here laughing out loud at the allergist office. Thanks for the prenatal undergarment image hilarity!

Kimmee said...

Yup. I figure when things like that happen I can either get mad or turn it into a funny story. I totally think that should be considered a spiritual gift. Never underestimate the ability to laugh at yourself - it's all that keeps me sane some days!

Arnebya Herndon said...

Oh, this. This, I remember. The finagling of undergarments. The lack of success at finagling undergarments.

lizzied said...

HAHAHA! Thanks for the laugh. I especially love the description "Vulva Holster" -- I swear, I had to look it up. I googled "maternity support vulva holster"... and got what appears to be the correct responses. I. Had. No. Idea.

And really, I can't stop laughing. We are the same age. <3 you!

Julie said...

My daughter just turned 16 & got a job this week. She had to take a drug test as part of the hiring process. When she went in to pee, she had shy bladder syndrome & couldn't do it. She was mortified & came home in tears. (I know... 3rd world problems... oh the teenage hormones!) I assured her that it happens all the time & was nbd! She was rescheduled for Sat. I had some errands to run that morning but told her to drink a pop & maybe some water an hour or so before, & she'd be good. I happened to be on my way home when she called to tell me that she'd just walked out of the appt & she'd been able to pee. Hallelujah! I ended up beating her home & walked in to find 2 empty water bottles & 2 empty pop bottles on the kitchen counter. I was like, "OMG!" Then I saw another set of 2 & 2 next to the chair in the living room! She walked in right about then & told me there was another set in her room!!! :o

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!! Thanks for the chuckle.

Julie Gardner said...

The mere existence of something called a Vulva Holster makes me want to get pregnant at 47.
:-)

Amy said...

This vaguely reminds me of a previous OB/GYN story you once told of taking both Jack and Margaret to an appointment. Something about Margaret trying to lick something in the exam room. Your stories are the best.

Cynthia said...

Huh-LARIOUS!!!!

Stefanie said...

This was hilarious! Thanks for your oh-so-honest sharing of the more "glamorous" moments of motherhood!

Thoughts for the day said...

hysterical we have all been there at least once in our lives. so funny I laughed and enjoyed your wonderful story.

Anonymous said...

I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. I thought this kind of stuff only happened to me. Good luck with the baby. I too found myself pregnant in my 40's Surprise! Happy to say she is a beautiful 5 year old and we love her to pieces along with her older sister. I love your blog.

Anonymous said...

oh, how I needed a laugh today!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Oh my, that was some visit you had! Thanks for the laughs.....Happy Thanksgiving!

Anonymous said...

Once in an airport, some overexuberant wiping led to a solid sample landing under the stall divider. The passage of years and the anonymity of the airport have not lessened my feeling of mortification. Heaven help us if people know we actually expel waste!

katrynka said...

Thanks for this!!! Totally hilarious!!

Beth said...

Bwahaha! I have peed - but not in the cup - SO many times during my three pregnancies. The nurses at my OB/GYN's office still tease me about that!

Anonymous said...

I agree, completely hilarious! So glad the baby (and you) are doing well!

Anonymous said...

i spent the day at the marine corps marathon at 20 weeks pregnant with my second. there was a lot of walking from place to place, looking for people. at one point i congratulated myself on the fact that i hadn't had to pee several times an hour, and then it occurred to me that the general dampness down below was not, in fact, just a little bit of sweat from all the walking around.

thank goodness they were black pants.

Kristin said...

Oh honey, what a memory!!! Ha ha ha! You poor advanced maternal thing. ;-) xo

Anonymous said...

Loved it, but please tell me what the holster thing is??