At lunch today one of my best friends said I looked "frail." I assured her that I have been sleeping pretty well and eating a ton, but I did admit I've lost some weight since the accident. I thought again how much I obsessed over my weight last summer, and subjected you to it, wishing there was a way I could lose a few pounds without even trying. Ugh.
Now, not only do I see my fretting about my weight as stupid and pointless, I can't really enjoy the fact that my clothes fit better. I am too focused on making it through the days right now. And the fact that the weight loss is just a byproduct of losing something far, far greater-- my 70 lb boy, my Jack-- makes me more de-pressed than im-pressed with any number on the scale.
It reminded me of how I felt about my "chestal area" shortly after giving birth. Oh my! No one had warned me that overnight I would be blessed with porn star boobs. I mean not quite like Ice-T's wife CoCo, during our New York City Celebrity sighting, but ever so close. I couldn't even see my feet.
I remember showing my friend Kathy pictures taken in the hospital of baby Jack. "He's adorable!" she gushed. Then, pointing to the melon-sized something next to his tiny head, continued, "But what's that thing? ...Oh...Ewwww...Sorry."
Instead of reveling in my bodacious new body parts, I was too busy trying to keep the sweet and scrawny baby alive. The altered physique was wasted on me. And when Tim, eyes as big as saucers, did a double-take, I was like: "Dude, back off. These are WORKING boobs."
So today, with a little spare room in my jeans, while I am slightly more comfortable with my waistband not digging into my midsection, I am not yet comfortable with the situation that got me here.
Now, not only do I see my fretting about my weight as stupid and pointless, I can't really enjoy the fact that my clothes fit better. I am too focused on making it through the days right now. And the fact that the weight loss is just a byproduct of losing something far, far greater-- my 70 lb boy, my Jack-- makes me more de-pressed than im-pressed with any number on the scale.
It reminded me of how I felt about my "chestal area" shortly after giving birth. Oh my! No one had warned me that overnight I would be blessed with porn star boobs. I mean not quite like Ice-T's wife CoCo, during our New York City Celebrity sighting, but ever so close. I couldn't even see my feet.
I remember showing my friend Kathy pictures taken in the hospital of baby Jack. "He's adorable!" she gushed. Then, pointing to the melon-sized something next to his tiny head, continued, "But what's that thing? ...Oh...Ewwww...Sorry."
Instead of reveling in my bodacious new body parts, I was too busy trying to keep the sweet and scrawny baby alive. The altered physique was wasted on me. And when Tim, eyes as big as saucers, did a double-take, I was like: "Dude, back off. These are WORKING boobs."
So today, with a little spare room in my jeans, while I am slightly more comfortable with my waistband not digging into my midsection, I am not yet comfortable with the situation that got me here.
57 comments:
i love you so, anna....
It's amazing how a life altering even can make something that seems so important seem silly. Working in a hospital it was amazing to watch people that were dealing with life-threatening illnesses realize that it didn't matter if they got the bedroom painted a different color-those that decided shopping was NOT the be all/do all thing in life. We really see what is important (and what isn't) when we have suffered irreversible events. Love to you-Dinaa
Anna I wish I could hug you.I think of all of you often.We continue to pray for you all.I am so sorry.
I am new to your site. I found it through momastery and I find myself checking this one more. As a mama of four,my heart breaks for you. I just don't know how you do it. I am learning about PTSD and that a person is more likely to cope in healthier ways if they have someone, somewhere to share. Thank you do much for lowering your armor and sharing your grief. I hope that as it blesses others, you too will find at least some release, if not relief.
You are a lovely writer by the way and I pray that you will continue to pour your heart out somewhere as I know what putting a lock on it can result in.
Your post reminded me that life can be so damned bittersweet. Your boy is gorgeous. Every time I see those eyes, heart breaks for you.
To quote the Bible, "he will not return to me bit I WILL GO TO HIM". And you will. I hope I see you there someday and you can introduce me to your kiddo.
Thank you, again, for sharing. I think I would have stopped posting as my tendency is to fold up. Not good.
hi Anna - the same thing happened with my mum when she lost a lot of weight after her beloved husband died. People would stop her and congratulate her on her weightloss. She said it made her so cross as the weight was lost through GRIEF. and that she'd rather be heavier if it meant having Max back.
hang in there but look after yourself also. Jack would want that.
best wishes
Fiona
Ugh....every little thing. Still can't believe how deep and wide and penetrating the grief you feel must be...
Praying God takes you through -praying for your daughter, your marriage, and adding your physical health.
Know that strangers love you..
Lisa G. in CT
Hi sweet Anna, it is Aleta. I found the most wonderful picture of Jack and Tim today. I would love to give it to you and have some comfort food to fill out that waistline again.....love you so much my sister.
Dear, Beautiful Anna, your writing is rich, raw, real. Praying for His peace and comfort every day...
Dear Anna,
We don't know each other-I stumbled on your blog through another blog, etc..but I have been praying for you and your family and will continue to. You are doing a brave thing, writing so honestly (and beautifully) about this horrible, horrible loss. Much love to you. Julie
Keep hanging in there. I can't imagine the grief you're feeling. I so badly want to say profound things that will lift you up, but I think that my prayers are the best I have to offer. Also, big boobs aren't really all that great. Mine are always causing trouble for me.
Anna, this one made me laugh and cry. Actually, many of your posts make me do that. I had to laugh because I absolutely remember that picture. How could I forget? At first I thought that was another head next to Jack's head! I couldn't quite comprehend what I was seeing. And now I cannot quite comprehend this new reality -- life without your Jack. I know that you have lost so, so much more than just a few pounds. Hence, the crying. <>
Love you. Miss Jack. Praying for peace and comfort all the time. Wish every day that there was something, anything to do to help. Thankful for your blog outlet and the loving comments here, too. You are surrounded with love.
Love you so much, Anna.
Not a day goes by when I don't think of you or send prayers your way.
Still praying in Michigan.
Hugs
I had a similar situation when my mom died. I had been hanging on to a few extra pounds and was so wishing they'd melt into oblivion, as swimsuit season was around the corner...and then my world was up-ended and irrevocably changed forever. I found myself 10 lbs lighter and absolutely crushed.
I can sympathize with your feelings here...and offer hugs and prayers.
I think about you and your family daily Anna. I think about your precious boy Jack. He is smiling down on you - I know it. Have you ever read the book, The Lovely Bones?
I've been awful Anna at commenting here ... though I hope you know that I read everything you write - here and on FB ... Oh how I think of you daily!
Sending hugs to you. That engulf you. xx
It really puts everything into perspective--doesn't it?! It just makes it all so clear--what matters, what doesn't. This is a gift you know...a gift you are giving to your readers. It sure keeps my priorities in check. As always, thank you for sharing Anna!
xo
Annie
Still praying for you in South Carolina. I think about your Jack so often.
I have never seen 'working boobs' like that. Wow. Wishing that your weight loss didn't have to accompany losing pieces of your heart. Praying for you and thinking of you. Thank you, Anna, for your perspective. You help us all and I pray that our love and prayers are helping you...
I thank God that you ARE able to get sleep and eat. Every day you get through is an accomplishment.
You've mentioned before that the weekends can be harder than the rest of the week, so I'm saying a prayer that the time will be a little easier for you.
(gentle hugs)
Well, of course you aren't comfortable with it. At the same time, I wonder if there are women (or men) who eat their way through grief and then when their clothes don't fit due to weight gain they are reminded more (if possible) and are more uncomfortable in their own skin.
Life is full of little things that don't matter in the big scheme of things, but things that color our world nonetheless. Don't diminish yourself for caring about silly things...in a way it's a blessing to live a life in which one can.
Okay I did laugh at the Tim "eyes as wide as saucers" comment, but oh my dear I wish so much you could gain the 70 lbs (and still have room in your jeans).
Love you Anna
Anna,
When part of your soul is missing it seems the body follows....all you want to do is put both back and be who you were the day before the day...I'm so sorry for your loss and I miss your Jack, too, even though I never met him. I pray for your family everyday and hope your heart will find as much peace as it is able to some day.
Xoxo.
Praying for you, Tim and Margaret this morning.
Anna -- I check in hear often, but don't know that I've ever left a comment. I have a 13 year old son (and 10 year old daughter -- similar to your family) and everytime that I see a picture of your beloved Jack my heart feels such grief. I am amazed at your honest writing and how you share your feelings with such rawness and even humor. I, along with thousands of others, have held you and your family in prayer and will continue to do so. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you all and pray for God's peace and healing for you all. Love to you! Dawn B.
I really hate the fact that your pain has given me insight into the things in life that are truly important. The things I stress about that mean nothing in this world compared to the life of your child. ((HUGS)) I am so sorry.
Dear Anna,
I have read your blog for years but this is the first time I've commented. I have been overcome with grief for you and your family since the loss of your sweet Jack. There seem to be many parallels between our lives. I have a 10 year old daughter (named Margaret!) and a 12 year old son. Also, my mother lost a daughter in a flash flood. She was killed before I was born so I don't know much about how everyone dealt with her death at the time it occurred. However, my mom was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and is facing a second surgery and chemotherapy. When we talk about it she tells me it is nothing compared to when my sister died. She has been made stronger by her life experiences and I am so thankful because my siblings and I all need her so much. The point is that as a woman, and mother and sister and aunt, that has been through so much, you are such a blessing of strength to those around you. I pray for you every day and I am thankful that you have the courage to write, because you do it beautifully.
I often am at a loss for words, especially since your words are so powerful.
This morning I was reading the Care Page of a friend who was diagnosed two years ago with a Stage IV brain tumor. His wife writes with the same honesty as you, for they have been climbing mountains since he woke in the night with a seizure. I will borrow from her..........
Jeremiah’s words:
Build houses and live in them, Jeremiah says, plant gardens.
Settle in. Start businesses. Look for love.
Paint nurseries for your grandkids.
Seek the welfare of the city where you are, for in its welfare, you will find your own.
That’s what Jeremiah says….
"He said build and plant. And pray.
Pray to the Lord on behalf of those who did this. And seek their
welfare.
Yes, you’re in exile—and it’s full of terror.
Yes, this is not what you dreamed your life would look like.
Jeremiah says yes, this is your reality and it’s not changing
anytime soon.
So what are you going to do with it?
Jeremiah suggests we pour ourselves into it.
He bids us to build and plant and pray."
Tragedy certainly puts things in perspective. Losing Jack makes the pounds meaningless. I am still sending you good vibes and hope you can find more and more peace as the days go on.
My mom said a while ago that she has learned to be "very specific" with her prayers because she often gets what she thought she wanted in a very different way than she pictured. Both of her grandchildren were born "out of wedlock" which is what prompted that statement :)
Take care!
... of course not. Comfortable would be crazy. Maybe someday try for 'sort of at peace?' Love you thin or almost thin (if you say so; you sure looked slim to me.) Sorry you have to have so much frigging perspective these days, Anna.
All I can say is that I $♥ you.
Anna,
You have to hear the message from the L.D.S missionaries on family. It will give you so much hope I promise! You will feel better from it. Please don't discount this message. You have nothing to lose. You can find more information on them at LDS.org. I hurt for you but I know there is a god and I know you will be together with your son for forever! Just hang on.
I love all the pictures you post of jack, and margaret too, but this one just really touched my heart so much. looking into (well whatever he is looking into, i can't tell), there is a sweetness and little boyishness in this one that makes me want to reach through the computer screen and hug him. it is just flipping ridiculous that he is gone, that this happened to your sweet boy, and your family. I can make no sense of tragedies like this, maybe because they are nonsensical. Again, I am just so so sorry that your boy is gone, and that you are left with living without him. What a gift he was, even if it was for such a short time. What an unimaginable loss you must endure. I am sorry Anna. He was some kind of wonderful, your Jack.
On our way home today from church I was overwhelmed by all the blue ribbons. Thinking about your family and praying for peace and comfort.
I've been thinking of you a lot lately, Anna. Perspective changes so much.
Haven't posted in awhile, but you are never far from my thoughts. Praying for you...sending love....spotted you deep in conversation among the bookstacks this morning and smiled. It is always a beautiful thing to see you still running the race. I know it is a feat that you are there and I'm so proud of your courage. Praying you know His presence, Anna.
We love you all so much....
Perspective. You just handed it to me. I am tagging along with my husband on his business trip to California and have been beating myself up for not losing the holiday pounds I gained.
I literally felt that "weight" lifted on my shoulders...not going to worry about it today.
xoxo, Julia
Real loss definitely puts our petty weight loss obsessions into some serious perspective.
Love you.
"The point is that as a woman, and mother and sister and aunt, that has been through so much, you are such a blessing of strength to those around you."
Thank you Anonymous, for this and the rest of your post (and the rest of you supportive Sisters here). When I see people struggling with smaller things (and cancer is still such a big thing!), I am overwhelmed by what Anna is doing. Sometimes I get sick of Jeremiah 29:11 (because I don't like the implication of the "plan" part... I think God is redeeming the future where the world has screwed up the plan), but I do feel great hope for Anna and her family. Great hope. The struggle to get there seems too much at times, but great hope.
So true.
Praying for you and all the differences in your life now.
I understand. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.
Hugs and prayers,
Rach
Of course you're not. Ugh. But this post was just brilliant, not that that's the point. But you made me smile, and ache for you. Always sending you hugs and prayers, dear friend. xoxo
Sending love and praying for you constantly...
Ury Salinas,
Seattle
Thinking of you and praying for your family.
Saw Tina this past weekend and she told me about all of the blue ribbons in the neighborhood. I have tied one for Jack around our tree in California as well. Keep facing each hour as it comes. Praying for you.
Anna,
I nominated your blog as the Best Family Blog at Apartment Therapy for their 2012 The Homies awards. I know this falls into the category of silly things that don't mean alot in the grand scheme of things. I just feel like your blog deserves the title for two reasons. The first, you make me want to be a better mom and second, your raw honesty and even humor about how your hurting, fractured family is trying to mend after unimaginable tragedy can inspire so many others.
How I remember those porn star boobs! It was, well, something. I laughed at your 'working boobs'. No kidding!
Love you, Anna.
Anna, I'm so very sorry. What a useless thing to say. But please know we're praying for you all constantly.
Love you Anna. Blessings from one mom to another
Matt called those early nursing boobs "fools gold." Look, but don't touch. I know I focus on the little things too much in my life, but I guess that's human nature. We just can't keep our eyes on the big things all the time.
Tears and smiles. So bittersweet. Hugs & prayers for you always...
I identify with this so completely. As strange as it sounds I used to want to look "older" I was always mistaken for the babysitter and I just wanted to look my age, old enough to be a mom, whatever age that is. Losing my daughter aged me in so many ways. I would give anything to have my daughter back and be mistaken as her babysitter just once.
Yes. The weight loss. After my grandmother died, the one who raised me with such love, care, attention, acceptance, nurturing, encouragement...I couldn't take a bite or swallow for a month.
Then, my MD told me I had to start eating. But even one bite, it just wouldn't go down.
So silly we humans are...without our loves, we lose our appetites.
Love you so, dear lady.
You are one of the reasons I take time to sit with my son and read when I am exhausted. Or just smell my boys hair. Or hug my teen when she doesn't want to be hugged.
May God bless you.
My son just left to go back to college today after being home for spring break. I was sad to see him go, but then my thoughts turned to you and Jack. I was so hoping to get on your blog to see a new entry from you. My heart is so sad for you and I just wanted to you to know I think of you everyday. I admire your stength and grace, even though you might think you do not have it, you do. Please remember that and keep writing.
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