Saturday, May 7, 2011

Labor Day on Mother's Day


So I was thinking of things the kids have given me over the years, and my thoughts naturally gravitated toward hemorrhoids. And wandered from there to being in labor and pushing hard and, well, a little story.

Twelve years ago I gave birth to Jake, with Tom and my sister by my side. After 3 botched and 1 successful (thank you, God!) epidurals, I had a healthy baby and an important question for my sister's ears only.

"Uh, did I poop during labor?"

She hesitated. Not a good sign.

"Well, you did, but it was just about the size of a Chihuahua."

I threw my head back on the pillow in abject humiliation. All I could picture was the Taco Bell dog. Barely able to peer over my engorged melon-sized breasts, I held my hands about 12 inches apart and part whispered, part hissed..."Dear Lord! Are you saying I pooped the size of a Chihuahua? That's bigger than the baby!"

My sister laughed at my labor-addled brain and said,

"No! NOOOOOO! You pooped a tiny bit, about what a chihuahua would do!"

Oh.

Thank you Jesus.

And thank you, kids, for EVERYTHING you've given me these past 12 years.

Except the hemorrhoids.

16 comments:

Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e/Mrs. Seaman) said...

Oh my gosh, I thought so too--a dog sized pooh! But really a dog sized pooh...

Reminds me of me not getting a colonoscopy because I was worried about pooting in front of Brad. I finally scheduled one anyway (hello, my dad had colon cancer), and then at the last minute Brad couldn't go.

Saved! (Although he felt terrible about it, I was okay!) And they did find a polyp, so I was saved again...

L said...

LOVE THIS STORY!!!

Lindsey @ Better After said...

Oh my gosh, laughing out loud here. Isn't that your worst nightmare in delivery? I can take the pain, just don't let me poop!

Jill said...

Oh I'm cracking up ... pooping while pushing was my biggest fear as well! Thankfully with #3 they gave me the option for an enema ... and I happily obliged! :)

Happy birthday munchkin. And seriously - I can't bear the smell of witch hazel anymore ... because of the 'roids.

Sokphal said...

These are tidbits they should share with kids in sex ed...it might be the one thing that lowers teen pregnancy! :) Hilarious story! Thanks for sharing!!!

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I totally thought she meant the size of a dog. Gross and funny. And I'm sure your kids would love for you to pull THAT one out at the neighborhood block party!

I had that fear during my first labor (second was a c-section) and I asked the nurse telling me *how* to push, "but what if something else comes out?" Her dry, no nonsense response? "Then we'll know that you're doing it right." Alrightythen.

Brenda Susan said...

Hahahaha! You win for THE best Mom Day blog so far!! The best!

Cassie @ Primitive & Proper said...

ha ha!!! tht is so funny! i asked the same question following my children's births as well. i had to know! i am told i did not... so i am told.

emily said...

Oh my. This story has me cracking up.

Heidi said...

Hi-larious!! Happy belated Mother's Day to you, Anna!

purejoy said...

oh dear… this makes having my water break so forcefully that it was a good thing the dr turned his head otherwise he'd have gotten a mouthful seem soooo BORING in comparison! hahaha poop the size of a chihuahua?? i was like… IMPRESSIVE poop!!
and yes. hemorrhoids. the gift that keeps on giving. they don't call kids a pain in the a*s for nothing, right? {just kidding… our kids are blessings, for sure!}

Chris said...

Adorable! My Reader is FULL but the Taco Bell dog hooked me. [I'm addicted to *green* bean burritos and 20 packets of mild sauce on the side.] Hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day! xo

Jen said...

That's HILARIOUS! Poor moms!

Nichole@40daysof said...

Hilarious! You have written about one of my big child birth concerns. We'll see if I ever find out... Thanks for the laugh!

heather of the eo said...

omygoodness, that's just hilarious. I actually thought the same thing. THE SIZE OF A CHIHUAHUA? (My excuse is that my brain is currently in my uterus, making a 3rd baby)

Anyway, I'm also here today searching around for your contact information. Maggie and I are lining up hosts (for one hour) for the Serenity Suite again this year. I don't know if you plan to go to BlogHer but we wanted to contact all hosts from last year first. so um...can you email me?
heatheroftheeo@gmail.com
Thank you!

Amber said...

LOVED this post!