Thursday, August 12, 2010

Is it Just Me, or is it a Little Hot in Here?

One more little story from BlogHer. Although the hotel provided yummy food, I really wanted to connect with people whenever possible over smaller meals at restaurants.

The opportunity to go to a Chinese restaurant with some of my favorite bloggers and a few new faces presented itself Saturday night. I sat next to a lovely young woman I didn't know. She had long red nails, cascading hair, and a slinky dress. To me she looked Eastern European, vulnerable, and oh-so-young. I went directly into mother-hen mode, hoping to make her feel comfortable being around all of these older, more experienced (a-hem!) women.

Upon introducing myself, I found out she was one of the speakers. At the sex session. Yep, BlogHer held an enthusiastically attended session on sex, or Sex Bloggers, or blogs about sex, or something to that effect. I didn't attend, but I did pass by a table after the session where sponsors were handing out accessories...accoutrements, okay, appliances that related to what was discussed in the session.

I got an eye full, and was quite intrigued to see that one item was shaped like a duck (!) but I admit I skirted the table at a brisk pace. I had the bizarre fear that one of the items would mysteriously jump into my swag bag and I'd have some 'splaining to do back home. "Mom, if this is an electric toothbrush, where's the brush part?"

While I know objects can't leap into tote bags, it reminded me of an irrational fear that would grip me whenever I walked across a bridge as a kid. I'd keep a death grip on my Bermuda bag because I could actually visualize myself involuntarily hurling it over the edge.

Weird, I know. Okay then.

So while there is nothing wrong with having a sex talk at BlogHer, I did not attend the session, I am not super comfortable talking about intimate subjects, I did not pick up any session-related goodies, and here I was sitting net to the BlogHer's resident Sex-pert, in the flesh!

I took a deep breath and asked her how she thought her session went. She told me she wished there had been more time to break into smaller groups according to particular fe*tishes. Dear Lord. "Waiter, more white wine, STAT!"

You see I'm just not a va-va-voom person. I didn't get involved in Pre-marital sex and I'm sorry to say I'm often too tired to get real revved up for During-marital sex. Now before you start giving me advice about what I should have picked up from the giveaway table, let me just say that is not the direction this post is supposed to take. Move along people.

I guess my point is that my sitting next to the sex-pert seems a bit incongruous, or at the very least wasteful. Her Sex-pert-ness was wasted on me. You see, I really didn't have much to offer, and I sincerely did not want to find out any specifics about her hobbies. I know myself, and I know how certain info or images can mess with my brain, even at age 40, so I just didn't want to go there. I remember reading a Vanity Fair article about F*urries a few years back and I'm still traumatized.

In the end, it was a positively lovely evening, and the talk centered around blogging, family, jobs, kids and pretty mild subjects. All of my tablemates were beyond charming, and the convo stayed PG-13.

In trying to wrap up this post I encountered a figurative language FAIL. I was trying to find just the right word picture: "Seating Anna next to the Sex-pert was like putting Ronald McDonald next to Julia Child." Too creepy. "Putting Anna next to the Sex-pert was like putting a paint by numbers next to a Warhol." Not loving that either.

Soooooo, if you can think of a better way to say what you think I think I'm trying to say, I'd be grateful. I may even send you some sort of prize. Just remember what little gift-y I didn't pick up at BlogHer. Sorry.


Jill said...

I never even got a chance to talk with her! Perhaps we should have switched seats as my husband is gone for the year and I could have *ahem* talked with her about my own one man show... *ahem*.

Debbie said...

I'm with you there. I wear myself out trying to steer clear of certain conversations that people are clearly interested in these days. I think we've reverted back to the pre-teen, pubescent boy infatuations of the 70s. I'd rather have good, clean, grownup PG-13 conversations. Oh wait a minute! Does that mean I'm boring or just old?

vawriter said...

Well, Anna, I know a good laugh is almost as good as sex, and you sure gave me a good one today. Oh, wait--that was kinda creepy, too. Waiter!

As for PG-13, somehow the designation has expanded to include anything that's not full frontal. There is one girlfriend (and I use the word "girl" loosely), my best friend of 37 years, with whom I can discuss ANYTHING. As for the rest of you, a little discretion, please. There's just so much my heart can stand.

How about..."like Elizabeth Barrett Browning at a slam poetry reading"?

Julia said...

First of all...I'm on Team Anna here. Although with a little wine, I probably would have "acted" like I was all about wild stuff just to get her really talking about her wildness. And then tell her about how fun it really is to lay very still on your back while not getting involved at all. ha.

I can't come up with a great analogy either but here's what I got...

"like sitting Sarah Palin by Obama"

"like sitting a Peta activist by a deer hunter"

xoxo, Julia

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Ha! I was about to write about that dinner - but I think I'll just link to this. Remember my free "toy" story... At least you didn't waste something that someone else would be happy to take.

Anonymous said...

I really wish this post came with a picture of your face just before you ordered that glass of wine :)

Now that I've finished laughing and had a few minutes to reflect, I have a serious question for the next sex-pert you run into....
Is it abnormal to have husband fetish?
Hmm.... that didn't come out right did it?
Not just any husband will suffice... MY husband is MY fetish.
But sometimes I feel like an outcast because I dont want a secret drawer full of leather, lace, or batteries.

All I can come up with is...
"seating Mother Theresa next to Joseph Smith"

Gretchen said...

OMG Anna, you know you are just too funny for words!

And, all I can think of is... like seating Lady Diana next to Lady Gaga...

Will that do?

Lisa G said...

That's a good one!
How about seating the Easter bunny next to a Playboy bunny?

anymommy said...

Loved that dinner totally and completely. It was so good to see you and now I'm bummed?! I want me hug, spiders and all!!!

Christy said...

I was going to write about this dinner too, but instead I'm just going to link up to you! So much fun, so many memories!!

Aspen Real Life said...

What you didn't get a silver bullet?

You know up here in Aspen we have sex parties all the time and I run as far away from them as I can. Ya see, I too have a husband fetish and although I hear from my sex toy friends that it can enhance the sex, I'm of the thinking that if I want to enhance the sex I have with my husband than I just start wearing my lingerie around the house, much to the dismay of my three boys, and I pounce on my husband much more often and...he likes it.

Shit though, I wish it were me sitting next to her because I just love to get all red and face the challenge of stepping out of my box, NOT would have provided for great blogging material and THAT my friend is what I love about blogging...the stories where normally I would be wanting to die, I now embrace completely..ok, maybe not silver bullet completely.

Thanks for sharing.

K A B L O O E Y said...

"... like giving my dog a year of tango lessons"

"... like Ray Charles being seated next to Marcel Marceau"

"like a duck at a rodeo"

"like Archie Bunker at a La Leche Leaugue meeting"

OK, I'm done

Marinka said...

Just perfect. And Warhol was totally paint-by-numbers!

Michelle DeRusha said...

What a great way to start my day -- seriously, this is the funniest blog post EVER!

I'm with you though -- maybe it's my New England prudishness, but sex talk gives me the willies.

Kate said...

Too funny! I heard lots of BlogHer advice about going to sessions that were outside of your comfort zone, but that one was outside of my comfort universe. No, thank you. It was nice meeting you!

Heidi said...

I started reading this much earlier in the day, got completely distracted and now I'm back. Loved this post. The title suggestions by the commenters are so, so great!

Anonymous said...

If you are taking votes, put me down for "Archie Bunker at a La Leche League meeting". hahahahahaha.....