Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Deer Me

Tim is going to West Virginia to go hunting with my brother next week, an annual tradition. Don't get me started on his lame explanation as to why he needs to leave Saturday morning when hunting season doesn't start until Monday. Something about male bonding (beer). Please don't point out how hunting season coincides so very nicely with Margaret's chilly fall soccer tournament, the same way last spring's male ski trip (beer) coincided with her very rainy spring soccer tournament.  I mean, I love crying and cursing the GPS lady as I try to find far-flung soccer fields on my own.

Oh well. This post isn't about my marriage; it's about the big ole buck that is standing in my yard, right outside my office window at 9:30 on a Wednesday morning. It has a huge 10 point rack, and like his buddies who sauntered by earlier, seems undeterred by the traffic noises and barking dogs of suburbia. Pretty as they are to look at, these deer spread Lyme's disease all over the region and eat my plants. As an outraged Margaret said when she was little, "The deer ate our Pasta!" She meant hosta.

But just as this post is not about my marriage, it's not about the the moral ins and outs of hunting either. I've never killed a deer and don't plan to, unless you count the time I hit one with my car on the way to school. Anyway, I convinced the kids and myself that, "She's fine! Really!" I don't want to get into all that here.

It's just that I'm a woman of thrift and ease.

It's seems like a lot of hoopla to travel five hours away to hunt something that hangs out on your lawn in broad daylight.

I think it would save a lot of time and money and gas if it were legal for me to go outside and bonk this deer on the head with one of my comfortable shoes. No need for a license or equipment or travel time. Think of the money saved on beer alone.

Somehow I think Tim would go anyway.

42 comments:

ST said...

You could bonk it on the head and just call it dinner? :) The new hunting in suburbia!

Stephanie said...

So funny. You can easily just hit one with your car too. If he is going to West Virginia that might just happen. On our way to the Outter banks this summer we hit a deer on 77. They say that 1 in 3 people hit a dear with their car each year in West Virginia. No need for guns. And we were back on the road in 2 hours. :-)

middle child said...

I so totally understand you!!!! My husband is a hunter and he left about a week ago. He would have left the prior week but "somehow" our puppy-yes, black lab-got into some rat poison. He knew it and chose not to tell me. She is teething but bleeding like a woman does once a month. He finally took her in. Anyway, it put his trip off for a week. He will not be home until after Thanksgiving. Among his supplies was a BIG box of liquor. Hunting my ass. And yes, we have deer nearby. I feel your pain girl.

middle child said...

Oh - Oh, and I forgot. When he is gone.....it is fall and leaves and all the other chores involved are left to me.

Anonymous said...

So does this mean you cook venison? I wonder what it tastes like.

Good luck, Margaret.

luv2run said...

Just had a good laugh!!

Luv2run

Sybil@PeaceitallTogether said...

So funny! Sometimes the most logical to us, isn't the most logical to them. I liken this to me, my mom and my sisters heading out super early on Black Friday for shopping. My husband does not think this is logical. But, it's not really about the shopping...just about time together (not beer) :)

Issas Crazy World said...

I am going to spend all day now picturing you going our and knocking that deer out with your shoe. :)

It's a guy thing. Same as the fishing trips my ex used to take. I never understood and really I never will.

OSMA said...

My husband is a hunter, I am all PETA girl and we almost get divorced every November (Novembeer?).

He wouldn't even look if I pointed out a UFO in our bedroom but just about wrecks the car if I whisper, "Pretty deer," under my breath on a road trip.

I think we hunter's wives should make a traditional spa week to counteract their week in the woods :)

Suburban Correspondent said...

There should be some deer-hunting allowed in our area! I'm terrified to drive this time of year, what with all the deer running across the roads.

Recovering Church Lady said...

Haha! So funny! I was trying to think of a women's gathering equivalent to the men's hunting bonding thing....shopping with friends? IDK I shop better on my own without outside influence.....that may explain my awful style tastes!

Lisa said...

This post made me laugh...I totally understand where you're coming from. I think all motivation for my hubby to go do anything with the guys stems from his love of (beer). :)

Laura said...

Love it!

Beth said...

We also have deer that saunter right in front of our house...drives my dog crazy. My husband ran out with a hockey stick once to chase the big buck away. The buck stood up on its hind legs and was ready to charge him! Husband ran back inside like a little girl!

The Empress said...

" I mean, I love crying and cursing the GPS lady as I try to find far-flung soccer fields on my own. "

That right there: What I HATE about soccer.

SheriJane said...

ha! the next bigger town next to mine has a HUGE deer problem, and they did open it up for hunting one year 5 er so years ago, and some were killed...... but the funny thing is... during that season... more deer were killed by cars than by the hunters!!!

Gigi said...

And this, dear (not to be confused with deer) Anna, just goes to show the fundamental differences between men and women.

Katie said...

Anna, I learned several years ago not to come between and man and his deer. Because you (or maybe just I) will lose. Every. Time. My guy has already warned me that even though I'm coming home for a week, and I haven't been home in 2 1/2 months, "it's hunting season, so I'm going to be kind of busy". Sigh.

Jen said...

Ha! This is hilarious!

Anonymous said...

I am reading your blog in Australia. I came across it randomly. I have abandoned most of my chores this morning to read your blog. I have 3 children. At times reading your words I've lost my breath so profound is your loss & your honestly. I've also smiled at your gentle humor. I have no words of wisdom except to say just keep going. That's all you can do. He was an adorable boy & you know him by heart. Thank you for sharing him. My heart hurts for you all as I hug my babies tighter. You write beautifully & movingly of your life & your loss. I wish you courage as you keep going.
Lou

Patricia said...

I have a feeling it's about more than the deer ! As you mentioned - the beer, the bonding, no kids or wives maybe .....!!

The Bipolar Diva said...

As a motorcycle rider I loathe deer! They scare me to death. Just as soon as you think they see you and will stand still and watch you ride by, BAM! They jump right in front of your motorcycle!

Vodka Mom said...

don't get me STARTED about hunting.

It's a great excuse for WOMEN to go shopping.


enough said.

Kate said...

Too funny! Lest you feel completely alone. I am a golf widow - similar to a hunting widow. Swim meets vs. soccer tournaments. I feel your pain. Hang in there.

A Speckled Trout said...

My husband left town to do a cross state bike ride. The central air stopped working and I was left in a hot house with three kids, his mother and my own. One of them was a talker.

He said he had a religious experience that week. I talked to AC guys about coils, freon and financing and felt like killing somebody. Well, him and the talker. But I got a deal on a new AC. The guy thought I was a single mom because no married woman ever talked to him about that kind of stuff so he shopped around to get me a good price.

See, my husband said, it worked out great. Win win.

I gave him a head start before I started beating him.

Nomads By Nature said...

I am enjoying your commenters as much as I am cracking up with this blog post!

Lady Jennie said...

My dad is a hunter and I would easily stumble upon a deer heart soaking in our sink every November. Maybe you should be glad he misses. ;-)

Lisa C said...

Hahahaha, this post made my day. I work in insurance and I swear there are suicidal deer out there. The stories I hear about near misses where the deer circles around only to be hit are amazing.

I don't even want to start on the men (beer) trips. Women need infinitely more girl (wine) trips.

Formerly known as Frau said...

I don't get men and hunting....everyday i see deer and also hear gun shots. You can hunt 50 yards from road here...it's crazy to think people really do hunt in their backyard..I'd much rather it be far away!

Rachel said...

I'm so with you! I had just stopped being a vegetarian when I moved to our former house with tons of deer. After a year I wanted a hunting permit, and thought it would cut down on our meat bills. By the time we left, I was sorry I had gotten the clamming permit and not the (admittedly impossible to get as we were right next to a wildlife refuge) hunting permit. I have chronic Lyme, my ex & kids got Lyme at least once each, and one of my dogs got it. I no longer like deer. I may cheer for the hunter in Bambi next time.

Good luck to Margaret this weekend!

Meredith Self said...

Seriously, right?!!

Like the only way to get buddy time is to kill things?

I assume men feel the same way about things women go do together...

Oh, and Margaret's comment about the Pastas is so cute!

Rach said...

LOL!

Ah, the loveliness of a chewed up flower bed...Gotta love 'em.

You know, I once managed to hit a deer when Han was five. She didn't know I had hit it since it was dark and she was sitting in the back with a crown on her head. When I slammed on the brakes, it triggered her belt to lock and the crown dropped over her eyes. She saw nothing--thank goodness!

She referred to it as "the big slow down" and it's just as well she never realized...there was an incident with my van and a squirrel when she was three and she NEVER let me forget it...:oP

Mariah said...

Hahaha. Hunting. It's a man thing. My husband already went, and was supposed to go this weekend. Luckily, the trip was cancelled. I can't complain, though, since my husband does try to take us when he can. We have three boys...I'm introducing them at an early age. I'm raising men, right?

Jenna Ginder said...

Oh, Anna, you are so right. Thanks for making me smile!

Whitney said...

Hi Margaret - you don't know me, but I think of us as good friends.

Aren't you glad you're finally meeting me??? :)

This post made me smile! Doing something girly this weekend with your daughter - hunting seems cold and gross! :)

Have a great weekend!

helenasc said...

You are very funny! This is a great post.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Thank you for the laughs :)
The deer ate our pasta....LOL!!!

kschei said...

People who hurt animals on purpose suck.

Jen said...

This is so true...there were three deer in our suburban backyard recently, two bucks. I was like can someone come hunt in our yard please? Not that I am into hunting but no wonder no one around here can have a garden, etc!

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

My brother wanted to hunt in our yard in VA. I avoided hitting a deer during my four years of living in western LoCo, but after only 2 months of living in eastern Washington State, I managed to clobber one on the highway. Go figure. (And my car still doesn't have a grill.)

Heidi said...

This post made me laugh!

He could set up camp at home and hunt right there, although I think I prefer your version of hunting.

I loathe the wet and cold of soccer. That's why Ben is no longer doing it. Selfish, I know. I put him in a nice indoor 'sport'. Lego robotics.

Love you, Anna.

Anonymous said...

Awww : )