Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Missing

I know you haven't heard from me this week. I've started a few posts, but have not finished any. You see, when I wrote a quick little post last week, to which many, many people (THANK YOU! THANK YOU!) have so generously responded by donating money to Samaritan's Purse, I went through some "Young Jack" pictures to put with it.

Among others, I posted this one:





And after I hit "publish" I let myself really look at that tummy. And those hands. And those cheeks. And those lashes. And those feet. And the book. And the train catalog on the floor. And I realized it was too hard to find any words to describe...well...anything.

So I walked away from the keyboard for a little while. And I cooked chili. And I lost more games of Words with Friends on my phone. And I read a couple more books about heaven.

And then I went to the mailbox and found a Lego Magazine addressed to Jack, and a Lego kit that he paid for with his very own money, so that he could learn to design legos like a professional, and I realized that a mom, even a mom who loves writing, and loves her son, didn't have a single word to share.


At least for a little while.

188 comments:

S. Taylor said...

Still praying for you and your family Anna.
Every.
Single.
Day.
and
Night.
With love, prayers and hugs from Michigan.

Anonymous said...

And from Centreville!

Beverly @ The Buzz said...

And that's okay.

K A B L O O E Y said...

We will be here whenever you want, but (hey, sorry to generalize, gang of An Inch of Gray lovers, but I'm assuming we're of a mind when I say) we hope you take whatever time you need for yourself and your family. Jack's in our hearts, and will be always, as will you, Tim and Margaret.

Anonymous said...

except for love.. you are always writing about LOVE.. don't get it- don't like it but.. wow.. you always are writing about it

Leeann said...

That breaks my heart.
Just shatters it, so I can only imagine what it did to you.

Much love to you and your family and much love to Jack.

The Carens Clan said...

We missed you... Praying for you & your family always.

Loukia said...

I so wish I had something to say to make any of the pain go away. Out of all the devastating stories I've read in my lifetime, no story has touched me as much as yours, and every time I see pictures of your Jack I cry, sob, and I ache, seriously ache for you. This is the thing about being a mom. No day is a safe day, no day goes by that I don't fear the worst, no day goes by that my heart does not bleed for your loss. I pray, every single night. We are all here for you.

Recovering Church Lady said...

So very sorry, Whoever said time heals, didn't have a clue I think sometimes.

Mimi said...

Oh Anna, I'm so sorry. Every night I pray for you. I'm praying for you to continue to have peaceful days and for Jack to keep sending you tangible ways for you to know he is near and that he is safe and sound with Jesus and your mom in heaven. xoxoxo

Laura said...

I looked at that picture for quite some time as well. Which might seem strange, since I only know him through your loving words. I couldn't help, though, but study those sweet hands, feet and cheeks - and see his curious brain at work with with the book in front of him . . . and then imagine the moment the picture was taken, and the joy the captured moment must have brought - -
and while still such a treasure to have, the heartache it now holds. Your sweet family is always in my prayers - and forever in my heart.

Lisa said...

Take all the time you need...Your words make the pain so palpable...and so real. I continue to lift your family up in prayer every day...My heart just aches for you all. I hope that you can find some comfort and peace during this month, which must be so difficult...

Anonymous said...

silence speaks too. we hear you even when you don't write.

alexandra said...

This was beautiful. For whatever this means to you, I think of you and your sweet boy all the time.

Momma Lioness Michele said...

That photo is so beautiful, so heartbreaking. My husband and I are thinking of you, your family, and your beloved son.

Mrs Changstein said...

Been missing you, but knew, from the silence, that I should pray more. Was reading this blog,
http://tinyurl.com/75lan9n
and it's been on my mind to send to you. I can so see Jack as Reepicheep, 'quivering with happiness'. That's how I see him in heaven.
Lifting you up daily.

Erin said...

That tummy is AMAZING. What a sweet picture Anna. Thinking of you often and sending peach and love your way. xoxo, Erin

Erin said...

that should read sending "peace" and love your way but i can also send peaches if you like. peaches are good too. xo

Laura at Ms. Smartie Pants said...

That is very understandable, but know even tho you aren't here, we are and thinking about you and praying for you Anna.

Masala Chica said...

The softness of a smile.
the warmth of their touch.
the joy and spirit in his voice.
the way you loved him so much.
So happy that you had so many me
mories like this one anna which can
lift you up to a time where jack just
"WAS." Praying for your every day,
Sister.
Take
Care

Masala Chica said...

The softness of a smile.
the warmth of their touch.
the joy and spirit in his voice.
the way you loved him so much.
So happy that you had so many me
mories like this one anna which can
lift you up to a time where jack just
"WAS." Praying for your every day,
Sister.
Take
Care

LauraC said...

Been praying extra for you this week. The pictures of toddler Jack hit hard, my little guy will turn two next month. And so I think of you every day, and pray that you will feel the Lord's arms around you. You are cared for and loved, very, very much.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I hope you continue to receive the little signs that Jack is always with you, always in your heart.

I hope you find the comfort that you seek in his pictures, his words, the things and the people that he loved,

I know you know he loved you...

In time, and it might be a long time, for there is no right or wrong time to grieve, you will find your way back to you, through this treacle feeling that is grief.

Thinking of you and holding you and your family in love and light xxx

Anonymous said...

I have been thinking of, and praying for you this week. Allow yourself the time you need to do what you need to do.

Even when you're not posting we are still holding you in our prayers.
much love, mandy

Renee said...

Still here, supporting you. You are doing so much more than I could ever do, if I were in your shoes. Stay strong. Take your time. We will be here waiting for you.

Nomads By Nature said...

Holding you in prayer.

Christy said...

Oh Anna. I don't really have words either. Love, hugs, and prayers. I hope to see you at Jill's in a couple of weeks.

And, this is totally unrelated, but I dreamt about meeting your sister at the gym last night - she was as kind and lovely and funny as you are. How random is that?

xoxo

Japolina said...

Hugs to you Anna

mariann said...

Any words I might have would be so inadequate.

Still praying.
Still praying.
Still praying.

Always.

Much love, Mariann

Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e/Mrs. Seaman) said...

Be still..

IrishRN07 said...

Dear Anna,
I am sending prayers, thinking about you and your family, shedding tears, fastening blue ribbons to everything that will stand still, wishing you could feel the hugs from the many who read and love your blog. You are not alone.
-Maureen

Anonymous said...

This pains me so much to read. I feel the ache in every word you wrote. Prayers from Yorkown.

darsden said...

We love you and your family Anna and we support and pray for you. You do have the words and they speak directly to our hearts and souls. We all cry with you. We all surround you in love and hugs.

Lisa said...

You can be silent for as long as you want, we will always love and pray for you.

Erica and Geoff said...

I read your posts all the time, but never commented...I know it may not help to know a stranger is thinking of you and your family, but i am more than you know. I feel connected to Jack from your writings and possibly because he looks JUST LIKE my son. And their personalities, oh so similar...You are amazing and inspirational. Just thought you should know...

twingles said...

First time posting but another poster got me to do it. Jack reminds me of my son too. They look alike and seem to have somewhat similar personalities. Never met you but think of you often because of that. I think we all know this time of year must be excrutiatiing in ways no one can imagine. Even when you don't post we are thinking of you.

Jen S., Aldie, VA said...

I sit here this morning crying for you. I cry and I pray for you. My heart breaks for you, Anna. My husband will ask "why do you go to that blog if it makes you so sad?". I tell him I need to check on her, like I'm checking on an old friend. I wish I had better words to comfort you but I don't. If I feel this deeply and this sad for a boy I never met, I just can't imagine the loss you are feeling. You go on and get through it however you need to. We will be here when you're ready to come back.

Anonymous said...

thinking of you all in your quiet...
deirdre

Jill said...

Still praying for you and your sweet family. Like so many others, I "check in" because somehow I am connected to you, and to your loss. Wishing there was something to make it easier, but hope knowing you are not alone is a comfort.

Momza said...

What I want to say is that
I noticed you weren't here.
And my thoughts and prayers
were with you
wherever you were.

MaryBeth said...

Dear Anna,

We can listen to the silence when there are no words.

Praying.

Rose D., Frenchtown, NJ said...

Oh, I can't begin to tell you how hard I pray for you and your beautiful family every-single-day. You are such an inspiration to all of us. Sending you love across the miles. ~rose

Anonymous said...

I wish I had words that could ease your pain and suffering. I know that isn't possible. I know you know no one here has any expectations of you. Only hope you know we are thinking and praying for you daily.

Julie in PA

lizzied said...

I loved looking at that picture, too. So very sweet, and reminds me of pictures of my oldest when he was little. It made me wish that I could share my son with you, and that the sharing would help. And it makes me cry that I know that it wouldn't. I said a prayer for you, Tim and Margaret just this morning that you would feel enveloped in a hug from God.

Steph said...

Dear Sweet Anna,
That picture of Jack is so precious. What words could do him justice. May God bless you and your beautiful family.

Amy said...

Praying. And wishing I could do more.

Anonymous said...

Who can blame you for feeling like this? He is adorable in that picture, as I'm sure he was in real life.

How I wish I could find words or deeds to lessen your pain.

All the best, as always.

x

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Lately that's kind of how I feel about commenting on your posts. I don't know what I could possibly say... If anything, it's just a gesture to say I was here. And that in my heart, I'm always here. But maybe that's okay - to not have anything new to say. It's like sitting with my friend, just being companionable during a time when there are no words good enough to stand on there own.

I'm so lucky that we live close enough to do this in person too.

Love you.

The Bipolar Diva said...

thats's ok, there are no words.

Anonymous said...

Hugs and prayers to you and your family. This is awful. I hope it becomes less awful. Jack's in a wonderful place of happiness. It's those left behind who suffer.

Jennifer said...

I think of you and your family so often.

Patricia said...

Yes, Kablooey, we are all of like mind here.....we all understand Anna, and I think that I can safely say, that all of us here have aching hearts today......Praying for you and your loving family every day.....

Aimee said...

Im crying here at work, as I read this. :( that is one adorable picture of Jack, I just want to reach out and kiss those cute cheeks :) my heart continues to cry for you and your precious family. Hugs!

Anonymous said...

I keep typing comments and then not knowing what to say because it all sounds so ridiculous. But I am just another stranger who is listening, thinking, praying and just feeling so awful for you and your family, and so sorry that this has happened. xxxxxxx

NanaDiana said...

I can't think of a thing to say but know that my tears right now are for the healing of your heart- xo Diana

Meredith Self said...

Words. No words. Somehow you still point us to that deeper love and spirit. What a beautiful picture of Jack's personality. Goodness. What a yummy boy.

Rooting for you. Learning from you. Enjoying you. Loving you. Thanking you.

Anonymous said...

Anna, write whenever you're ready ... or not. We are not an obligation to you ... we are your friends, your support, your sounding board, your place to spout off all the curse words you want to, if you want to :-) We aren't going anywhere. Focus on you. We'll be here whenever you get back.

Anonymous said...

your son is beautiful. always was, always will be. no words needed with that photo. always sending love and prayers and peace.

Princess Kate said...

Anna, please know that when you say or write nothing, we are here MORE for you. My prayers become stronger with each day so don't worry about writing when you don't want or feel like it. Know that I'm here listening even when you have nothing to say. Hugs and tons of prayers for you today and always.

Rach said...

I'm so sorry. I'm just so very sorry. Sometimes there no words other than those.

Many hugs and even more prayers,
Rach

mgh said...

I used to wonder about the phrase "There is nothing for it." I sort of got what it meant. But wondered where is the there? And what is the it?
But now it makes more sense. This is a phrase for just this situation, when there is just no explaining. But you want to say something.
With love and prayers.

Michele said...

Oh, Anna. We know...and it's ok. We'll wait and while we wait...we'll pray. God Bless.

Anonymous said...

Bless you, Mary from NY

LauraBeth said...

Continuing to send love, hugs, and prayers to you, Tim, and Maragaret.

With love, from the other side of town

Anonymous said...

Beautiful!
Sandie

Kingsmom said...

My 5 year old told me earlier this week that he wanted a baby brother(I am not pregnant). I asked him what he would name his brother. He said "Jack". I thought of you instantly.

Kim said...

Praying for you each and every time you are sucker punched to the gut with grief and pain and loss and longing. Praying, praying, praying.

Kelly said...

I don't know you. I have prayed for you. I am far away in Dallas. I have a 4.5 year old little boy. I have NOTHING to say that would make anything better for you. Because there is nothing to say...other than maybe this freaking sucks/hurts/can't be real...I am angry for you and at the same time I pray for you. I check your blog often...never apologize for not sharing. Never. Much love from a total stranger in Dallas

Anonymous said...

Anna I think we all hear you whether you post or not. Love and comfort to all of you...

Geri said...

yes, sometimes no words. just want to say, again, how sorry I am that you lost your "yummy" (as a previous commenter wrote) boy. he was so beautiful.

Christina said...

I'm nothing but a serial blog-lurker and never, ever comment but I just had to today. I've been following you for awhile now and your spirit and love and faith have touched me tremendously. You do whatever you need to, whenever you need, to survive and get through another day. We will be waiting for you when you are ready or when you need us.
Hugs and warm thoughts from Ohio.

Michele said...

Anna,
Once again, my heart aches for you all over again everytime I read your posts. Lifting you up in prayer today!

ella said...

What is it about baby's feet? I could just gobble them up. Here I am, again with my heart aching for your loss, knowing that it's a mere fraction of the pain you feel every moment. As always you have my prayers and virtual hugs. Love you, Anna.

L said...

Missing your beautiful boy so much. I am wordless, too, except just to let you know I am here. Praying.

The Townsend Family said...

He sure is a beautiful boy. I don't personally know you but I pray for you every single day. I hope when you are feeling empty, that you can feel these prayers for you. I know that if I am HALF the mom you are, I've done something right. xoxo

Carly said...

“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clich├ęs that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never loses. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?”
― Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body

This was posted on my friends blog and I thought of you. You are in my thoughts.

Red79 said...

Anna - you have been missed for the past week, but I understand your lack of words. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. XOXO

Issas Crazy World said...

I don't comment often, I guess because so many do. But this post just made me want to come and give you a virtual hug. Just know I'm here, thinking about you today.

Salvimom said...

Always loving you and praying for you Dearest Anna. Here for you in mind and spirit whenever you are ready to share again. God Bless your family.

Ury
Seattle, WA

Leah C said...

Words...no words...we listen. We ache. We pray.

Jeanie said...

Prayers.

Megan said...

My heart literally stopped. Typing through tears. It just isn't fair. This should never happen to anyone ever. My heart hurts so much for you and your family.

andrea said...

it's just not fair. I am so sorry!

Paula said...

I've been very wrapped up in blue thinking about Jack since your $13 for 13 post. My middle boy's bday is now as well and I can't stop thinking about Jack and his life. "No words" about sums it up. I pray everyday for you to feel strength and love.

Lesley said...

I found your blog this week through a recommendation for "good mommy blogs" on another site.

I haven't been able to get your family off of my mind for the past few days. You write so eloquently and so powerfully about such a deep, painful loss.

I listened to the eulogy you gave for Jack. I am amazed by how perfectly you conveyed who he was and what he meant not only to you but to his friends and his community.

I'm so sorry. I'm deeply hurting for you. I wish something could ease your pain and sadness, could lessen the grief you feel every day.

You are a phenomenal mom and writer. Thank you for sharing your son with us. He was an absolutely beautiful boy.

Kara said...

I, too, had a good long look at that picture after you posted about Samaritan's Purse. I couldn't stop staring at Jack's long, long lashes and his little baby hands. He seemed so focused on his little book. Knowing that your supply of Jack pictures is limited because his life was cut short made me so very, very sad. I have prayed for you so much over the last 10 days.

for a different kind of girl said...

Praying for you and your family every day. I hope you can hear all of us lifting you up when you need to be silent.

Anonymous said...

I'm a heart broken stranger, reading since the accident, commenting for the first time. Jack is undeniably precious. I am sorry in a way that has no words. How this could be part of a plan that involves the greater good is beyond me. But I'm changed because of your words, because of Jack. I've been driven closer to God. I'm going to be 40 this year, I'm a mother, your son has changed my life. Seriously. So how could someone this good be gone? Why would so much pain have to be suffered by you, Tim and Margaret so that strangers like me are inspired by Jack? I pray every week in church for you. And every other day. Jack was a gorgeous baby and boy. His loss is so cruel. I wanted you to know there is another inspired person because of your amazing son. I'm so sorry.

OSMA said...

Dear Anna. How exhausted you must be. In your silence, I've been thinking of you more and praying so much extra for you all with each passing no post day. I pray for strength, relief, and most of all hope that every loving detail remains as overwhelming agony recedes. I come here to check on you daily and will continue to do so even when the words don't make it to the screen.

Much love from Falls Church,
Erin

Pam P. said...

As my eyes were drawn heavenward this evening as the skies turned glorious, I noticed the genuine weight in my spirit, such a real sadness, acknowledging that with tomorrow comes the unimaginable truth of Jack having left this earth six months ago. There are indeed no words for THIS. But, Anna, KNOW how you and Tim and Margaret are loved! Our hearts, minds and souls groan to the Lord on your behalf. What a blessed assurance that He is hearing us. Continuing to lift you up.....thank you for your absolutely extraordinary words when there are no words. May the Lord BLESS your heart, mind and soul, especially tomorrow.

zcan said...

I think that picture really says it all. He is absolutely delicious and perfect. You and Tim created a truly amazing boy. Which is why your loss is so wide and deep and jagged and cruel and unfair and a thousand other things. I am so sorry for your suffering and I will always keep you in my heart.

Anonymous said...

Anna.. The times when you don't have words, and you want to be quiet, remember the love and prayers that surround you and your family. We will always be here lifting you all up.
xo
Joyce

Uniquely Me said...

My heart is broken for you. I have thought a lot about you this week, and have stopped in often to check in on you. Prayers for you.

michelle said...

"Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves and then we have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos."
Peanuts- Snoopy

I really like you all, and I'm indescribably blessed to be one of Anna's hellos. Wishing a million hellos could cancel out one goodbye. Knowing it doesn't even come close, but wishing anyway. Love & prayers continuously. xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

He is watching you Anna. He is with you every second of every single day. He wants you to live a long, happy life then will welcome you with open arms when you join him one day. I'm sure you are talking to him everyday. He is there. He is listening to every word. He is hugging you and loving you every minute of every day. My heart aches for you and tears are falling down my face as I write this. If only I could take away your pain for you.

Anonymous said...

ouch. I look at pics of your son and am reminded so very much of mine, who is sitting right by me, whose absence would devastate me...but also know that I would not have the "luxury" of devastation because life would go on for me, my daughter, my husband...I so empathize; well not really empathize but...yes, I am fearful. I'm sorry for your loss. LOSS.

Sharon @ Elizabeth & Co. said...

Words really aren't necessary Anna!

Anonymous said...

Oh my.

This post hit me so hard, because my son is about the same age as Jack is in the photo, and I can absolutely relate to your feelings about that belly, those arms, that train set.

I could tell you that I'm praying for you (and I am).

I could tell you that I wish I could will him or magic him or pray him back to you (I want that more than anything).

I could tell you a lot of things, but none of it will help, because you want that belly, those arms, that train set, those legos, and the boy who ordered them, so very, very desperately.

What I will tell you is that tonight, I am crying with you.

Ross said...

I will continue to pray for you and the pain that your working through each day.

Claire P. said...

Words are just not adequate sometimes. I pray for you and think of you every single day, hoping for peace in your heart.

Love,
Claire P.

Anonymous said...

I sit here and try to think of the right thing to say. I can't. All I can tell you is that I continue to pray for you, Tim, and especially Margaret. While we cannot possibly feel the depth of your loss, we can only imagine; and in imagining, my heart hurts. I pray that you feel the strength (if only momentarily) from our prayers. Take it one day at a time, Anna, just one day at a time.

Lady Jennie said...

Just today I thought to myself, I need to write to Anna to see how she is. Somehow I suspected as much. I ache - even I ache ... so how much more you. My eyes are filled with tears at your loss.

But I'm still praying and still focusing on the day when "he will wipe away every tear." Hard to imagine but that day will be a blessed relief.

Anonymous said...

I know that you are so very faithful that you will see Jack in heaven, and you feel his spirit with you, but for some reason we fall in love with EVERYTHING about our loved ones, including their earthly bodies. I would totally miss that tummy and those eyelashes too. Praying for you today. -Beth

Lesley said...

I pray today huts a tiny bit less than yesterday. Your beautiful boy has shown us all things about love that we would never know otherwise. Sharing him with us in your tender words is your greatest gift and your generosity makes us all better people. Praying always for your family.

Anonymous said...

I am thinking about you, Tim, Margaret and Jack a little bit extra at the moment. xxxxxx

Kent said...

Sending love today and everyday Anna.

Susan said...

Thinking of you every day.
I can't imagine how hard looking at photos must be. Can't imagine.
Big hugs.

Stimey said...

Love to you. I can understand not having words. All those details you list take my breath away.

Anonymous said...

Bless you, hugs always...

Jen G. said...

Anna,
Sending you love. There are just no words to contain my sorrow for you. Jack is such an inspiration.
Jen G.

Anonymous said...

Aching for you, Anna. What a precious child.

-- Joan from PA

Linda said...

Anna,
My fervent prayer for you is that the waves of grief that seem to push you below the surface of the water eventually become waves of joyful reminders that lift you close to the face of God.

Kim said...

On my way to MOPS this morning, and was behind a little blue ribbon bumper magnet with your beautiful boy's name and his life verse on it.
Yes, Nothing is impossible with God.
Was grateful to spend the next minutes in prayer for you this very hard day.

Princess Kate said...

Sending you hugs and prayers of comfort.

Vodka Mom said...

oh God, Anna. I know you carry this grief, love, hope and heartache in your hands every single day. And I send you strength in the hopes that on SOME days, it's not as heavy as it seems.


I adore you. And so do thousands and thousands of others. Oh, and one particular angel who is watching over you...

Anonymous said...

Oh this hurts my heart. Jack looks so much like my 3 year old. Every time I see your photos I get sad who also already loves trains and legos. All I can say is that we think of you often and so wish none of this had ever happened. Your writing makes me appreciate my family even more on a deeper level. We are so darn sorry....

Anonymous said...

I look at this post every day, knowing what it says...already. And I study that picture, which I've seen before, and I reflect on how that's exactly the sort of tummy I would love to tickle and make raspberries on.

And I think about loss. Then, I think about heaven. And I marvel at how we sign up for parenthood eagerly and willingly....and make ourselves hostages to cruel fate and the unknown.

Anna, I won't tell you that I "admire" you, because I'm sure being "admired" for having lost a child sucks beyond words. I feel you,and it's painful.

Anonymous said...

Anna, Thinking of you and praying for you, Jack, Tim and Margaret, every day and today especially. I have no words either, but keep you and Jack in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

A Monkee in Buffalo is thinking about you today... and every day....

the mama bird diaries said...

oh how I pray for you. He is a vision of sweetness. xo

A Speckled Trout said...

Even when you have nothing to say....you have a lot to say.

Thinking of you..........

Brandi said...

Just here with you. Praying.
Much love

(another) karen said...

Thinking of you and your family. My heart aches for you in ways my heart can't even understand.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Hugs.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog the other day and read it start to finish. I hate so much that a mother's worst nightmare happened to your family. I wanted to thank you for the way you have documented your feelings and the way your family is dealing with this huge loss. Your gift for writing and your honesty are very inspiring. If god forbid I should ever suffer a loss like this I know I would find your blog very comforting. You have shared with your readers how ugly the whole thing is, but that you can get through it. Any grieving mother would not feel alone when reading about your journey. Your love for Jack is so eloquently expressed, it is so beautiful. You are a great mother and a talented writer. I know this wound will never heal but I wish the very best for you and your family. I know you are helping a lot of people, those suffering loss and also those who may have taken their children for granted before finding your blog.

Anonymous said...

((((((Hugs))))))

Anonymous said...

It's ironic because in Greek, "lego" means "to speak" or "to name", and that catalog and kit in the mail left you speechless, and no wonder. I'm so sorry.

It must have been really hard for you to get back to writing, but you did it. I agree with those who said we are here whether or not you are up to writing anything.

(hugs)

Anonymous said...

Did you make the white bean chicken chili that you told us about? You know that I love that recipe, right? Thanks again for sharing it.

I hope you and Tim and Margaret are doing okay, and that the weekend will have some bright spots for you.

love,
jbhat

Mrs Changstein said...

We'll be praying for you all this weekend. xo Cindy

Anonymous said...

Anna-- i don't know you, but i hold you and your family in my heart and send you peaceful thoughts...

Anonymous said...

We are here when u have the words and when u don't. You are taking care of yourself - some days that will mean your beautiful writing - some days it will mean mindless Internet surfing, reading, getting lost in WWF - whatever it is it's RIGHT because it's what u need. Continued prayers to you !!!

Laura said...

Just thinking of you - and stopping by to wish you a peaceful weekend with bits of happy moments mixed in.

Heidi said...

I've been thinking about you so much this week. I don't know how you're doing this, but somehow you are.
I don't know what to add to all that's been said. I just want you to know you're loved. So very loved. Thank you for sharing your deep love for your boy with us.

Anonymous said...

Silence is sometimes louder than words....I hear you even in your silence.

Nicole said...

Wow. Just wow. That was beautiful and I am so grateful that you shared it.

Anonymous said...

keep the faith

MamaPeach said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MamaPeach said...

Sending love from one mom to another. I cannot even fathom your pain. So so sorry. Know a mom in Virginia thinks about you and your beautiful boy and how losing him from this world has made me love and cherish my 2 boys even more every day.

luv2run said...

Just want you to know....still praying and running for your family and Jack!!!!!!!!

Hug from a stranger!

luv2run

Editdebs Talks said...

Blog when ready, be silent when you need to be. Either way, I am holding you and your family in my heart and prayers.

okcamp said...

Dear Anna,

I came across your blog last night quite by accident. Ironically (?), my daughter's name is Anna and yesterday was her 30th birthday. She lives in Boston while I live in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Reading your blog made me long to reach out and hug her.

I can offer nothing that can make you feel better; your loss is immeasurable and beyond my comprehension.

I'm not sure that I can put this into words....you write beautifully about something very important that needs to be said. I can't help but think that your words serve a higher purpose.

Peace be with you.

Julie said...

Praying for you and your family dear Anna.

Anonymous said...

Prayed for you and your sweet Jack in church this morning. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

Teachinfourth said...

My heart still goes out to you...

~Kori~ said...

I can't imagine what you must be going through.

Much love to you and your family.

Kelly R said...

When you are quiet I pray more.

You have so many people on your side. Sending love to to sweet Anna and your family. XOXO

Kim @ A Brush of Whimsy said...

such a precious picture!

Coupon Code said...

I really pray for you Anna. I could only know him through the picture and the words being quoted by you.

Princess Kate said...

Just checking in to say hi and let you know we prayed for your family at church this weekend. I'm thinking a lot about you guys and always praying for peace and understanding.

Anonymous said...

It gets worse, doesn't it... Not forever, but for a while it gets worse as the days pass. And there's nothing to be done and nothing to say.... There is only being in the midst of it. The Bible says, "Cast your burden on the Lord," but how?

Praying for an answer for you.
Erica

Wombat Central said...

Thinking of you and your family....

meggodc said...

Stumbled upon your blog, read a good bit, cried and cried and cried.

I wrote something about your recent blog.

http://www.positivelyparenting.com/2012/03/bellies/

Prayers to you, your family, and everyone who loves Jack.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. Praying for you and your family.

meggodc said...

Oh, and I used the picture of Jack on my website. If that is not okay, please let me know. I was so inspired by your picture and by Jack....

Anonymous said...

God bless you and your family. I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your son. Praying for you. Know in your heart that you are so very loved.
Kindly,
Jenn in Georgia

The Empress said...

Anna: if there were anything in the world I could do for you, I would do it.

BUt I know I can't.

Because I can't imagine.

I am so sorry. I wish this weren't your world.

I pray for your broken heart every night. And those aren't just words that I'm saying here, I really do pray every night.

Ginny said...

I wish I could give you a hug. You're in my prayers, Anna. My hearts still aches for you... I can't imagine how your heart feels. <3

Anonymous said...

On my lunch break today, I picked up a spool of bright blue ribbon. My shoes will have a happy pop of color in all of my future races. Jack's Lanterns shines on!

P.S. Take all the time you need. We'll be here for you, always.

Kathy Fisher said...

We don't need to hear from you every day, just know that you and your family are though about every day, from all over. Hugs to you!

Marley C. said...

It seems so unfair that the thousands (or tens or hundreds of thousands) of people who read your story and pray for you and your family, can't each take the smallest bit of grief and pain away from your family. If we could each take a grain of it away, maybe it could lessen yours...how unfair we can't and that you are even in this situation. Still and always will pray for you, your family, and Jack.

Renee said...

Always thinking of you Anna.

Nancy (watm) said...

I stumbled across this blog today...by accident...I am taking a course in digital literacy for my master's degree and then I lost a few hours reading. I lost a few hours even that line seems so trivial...I know very little about loss. The writing is lovely...and I am a fan of Jack, you have captured him for the world to know.

Anonymous said...

http://vimeo.com/38359767

I saw this and thought of you. A different situation but the same pain.

Anonymous said...

Maybe I'm unusual...I actual bum out slightly when we don't hear from you...just a little bit. Of all the blogs I read, this is the only one that feels like real life to me. Maybe because you're not afraid to use the word "shit" once in a while. That word - and others - plays a regular role in my life.

Hope you're well, hope Margaret and Tim are well. Gods peace, love, and blessings will rain down on all of you, I have perfect faith. May the love and light of 1000 strangers support you all.

Julie said...

I think about you and your family daily. For a person that writes for a living, I just don't have words.

Lynn said...

Praying for you today and everyday but especially today on your Jack's 13th Birthday. May you feel the love of many holding you up in prayer today.

Anonymous said...

Missing you and your words still. Praying the pain is not too much to bear. Praying for peace and unity for you, Tim and Margaret. xx mandy

Julie Punishill said...

Anna, you don't need words. You need to be with you in your grief. You need us Monkees to envelope you with all our love, faith, support and energy.
I dedicate my post today entitled Sister to you!! We Monkees are your Sisters. We got you!You can lean in to us.
Love, Julie

Anonymous said...

Anna,
I pray that your pain is eased. I pray you feel Jack's presence upon you during the day and night. I pray you get a reminder that he really isn't too far away. I pray for your eternal life together. Only a mother can fathom this terrible loss and grief. Please know a lot of mother's are praying for you.
With love and prayers,
Stephanie

wild trumpet vine said...

I read this post and cried with you. Remember, when the loss of your sweet boy hits you particularly hard, a cloud of love and prayer surrounds you. Maybe that will help a little. I will continue to cry with you and pray for you.

Leslie said...

Praying, praying, praying. You never need to write, or you can write every day. Either way, you're ALWAYS in our minds and hearts and prayers and tears.

I am SO SORRY. And am praying fervently.

Michele from IL said...

Anna,
As always, praying for healing for your whole family, but today, God is putting it on my heart to pray specifically for Margaret. I pray that she doesn't feel like she has to be two kids to fill a void in your family. I pray that God would lessen your family's pain each and every day and that you find joy and peace every day as well.

Anonymous said...

Anna, I'm thinking of you.

Princess Kate said...

Just stopping by to let you know I'm thinking and praying today for peace, comfort and that darn time machine.

Caddie said...

My brother died when he was 12 - I was 15. I know, I know how badly it hurts & it feels like your whole heart got ripped in half & you don't ever know how you can be whole again. I'm 37 now, and I still miss him every single day. I know you can't imagine it NOW, not in this first year of trying to just keep being, but years & years from now, you WILL be able to remember him without pain. The other day, my daughter & I made the same T-Rex wooden dinosaur model that Geoffrey & I had made as kids. It makes me smile to look at it & remember how he made it punch me in my nose with its leeettle bitty arms...You will go on, I promise. And one day, we will ALL be together again. Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Praying you know the peace that passes all understanding. This seems beyond all comprehension but I know God has you in his arms and am just so darn grateful that Jack knew his Lord and Saviour at such a young age. We don't mourn like those who have no hope.

gillian said...

still thinking of you.

hro789 said...

Anna- I am not sure how you do it. The thought alone is crippling. I think of you often these days. I think of your daughter and your husband and though it is of no help, I grieve with you. If the pain was dividable I carry my corner in hopes of giving a moments respite to you and your family.

-Another one from MI-

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to stop by and say I've been praying for you and your family...this month especially.
Love,
Lisa

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday sweet little rare bird.

Cathy said...

You and your precious family are in my prayers daily...but especially today.

Anonymous said...

noticed the beautiful sunset tonight and thought of you and your Jack. Thought, "oh it's not a Thursday, it's not the 8th of the month, maybe the sunset is meant for someone else." Then I stopped here to check on you and see that it is your Jack's birthday. Maybe that sunset was for you after all. Sending you love and comforting thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I checked back again today, and looked again at the title of your post, and realized I had misinterpreted it slightly before. When I read it the first time, I thought it was "Missing -". I was thinking there was a blank space for Jack's name there, and that "missing" was a verb. Now I realize it was probably meant as an adjective, that you have been absent. Either way, you are "missing" him, we are "missing" you, and I hope that you are with your family and friends today, feeling lifted up by them. Prayers for you, Margaret, and Tim.
- Beth

Ann Imig said...

Sometimes life--and especially death--is too big for words.

Hugs and Prayers,
Ann

Brendan and Mary said...

A friend shared your story with me yesterday and I've cried many tears for you these last two days. My heart aches for you and I just wish there was some way to bear some of your pain. My words are futile, but know that you have another person dedicating their prayers and intentions for you and your family.

Your son is beautiful.

Mary

Katy said...

Hi Anna,
I haven't read your blog in a while, since I moved a few weeks ago our internet still hasn't moved with us. However, something I heard on the radio made me think of you and I wanted to make sure I shared it with you.

Stephen Curtis Chapmen was being interviewed one day last week. You may have heard that he and his wife lost one of their daughters a few years back. He described what it felt like and has even written a song about it. Have you heard it? It's much jollier than I would have expected. And it's with a ukelele. A ukelele! How can anything sound sad on a ukelele? Anyway, he said that after three years, life has managed to somehow start looking up again. There are still days when he's down, but day by day, they're getting brighter bit by bit. What really touched me was when he said that Jesus understands when there are no words. He had the best way to describe grief when his dear Lazarus died. Remember that little verse people joke about? "Jesus wept." A lot of times we worry about having the perfect words, but in His moment of grief and loss, Jesus' perfect words weren't words at all. He just wept.

Anna, you write lovely words that have been an encouragment to countless people. But I hope you're encouraged, too, when there really are no words, just like when Jesus had no words. When Steven Curtis Chapmen said those words on the radio, I remembered you and made a mental note to pass them onto you. I didn't know you had written a post exactly about having no words. I hope you find comfort in HIS strength today.
-Katy

hro789 said...

After reading your story this song has new meaning for me:

Lantern by Josh Ritter

Some of the lyrics:

Be the light of my lantern, the light of my lantern, be the light
Be the light of my lantern, the light of my lantern, tonight

So if you got a light, hold it high for me
I need it bad tonight, hold it high for me
Cause I'm face to face, hold it high for me
In that lonesome place, hold it high for me
With all the hurt that I've done, hold it high for me
That can't be undone, hold it high for me
Light and guide me through, hold it high for me
I'll do the same for you, hold it high for me

I'll hold it high for you, 'cause I know you've got
I'll hold it high for you, your own valley to walk
I'll hold it high for you, though it's dark as death
I'll hold it high for you, and then gets darker yet
I'll hold it high for you, though your path seems lost
I'll hold it high for you, through the thieves and rocks
I'll hold it high for you, keep you safe from harm
I'll hold it high for you, until you're back in my arms

Be the light of my lantern, the light of my lantern, tonight
Be the light of my lantern, the light of my lantern, tonight

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I can only imagine how hard that was getting the Legos in the mail addressed for Jack. My son use to love Legos. Always in my heart.