Contain This

We are deep into the receptacle stage of parenting right now.

Throughout the house, there are places to park the baby when we need to put him down. Bouncy seat in the family room. Exersaucer and high chair in the kitchen. Johnny Jumper in the bathroom doorway. Bumbo in the living room.

I remember when Jack was little, I strictly limited his time in the exersaucer, not wanting it to inhibit his development. Now I'm just hoping to get Andrew though the next stage of childhood without being licked to his limit by Charlie the dog during floor time, rolling somewhere unsafe, and, well, these Hello Fresh dinners won't cook themselves.

Sometimes we just need a safe place to put him.

At five months, he's now big enough for this fun seat my (much younger) cousin told me about, that hangs on our kitchen counter:

 (affiliate link)

Remember this stage? He can't quite sit up unassisted, but he really wants to. He starts out okay, then does a forward bend to make any yogi proud, tilts off to one side, and ends with a surprise (to him) landing, looking up at the ceiling.

When Jack and Margaret eventually sat up on their own, I was blown away by how straight they kept their backs. To a baby, posture is serious business and could teach this mama a thing or two about not slouching over the computer.

It will be nice when Andrew can sit up and all of these plastic receptacles can be passed down to the next child (in a DIFFERENT family,  mind you), but for now, they keep the little guy happy.

However, carpet time will always be the best time, because it comes with built-in fun--- FEET.

Parenting my Heart, 5 Years Later

For a Parent on the Death of a Child

No one knows the wonder

Your child awoke in you,

Your heart a perfect cradle

To hold its presence.

Inside and outside became one

As new waves of love

Kept surprising your soul.

Now you sit bereft

Inside a nightmare,

Your eyes numbed

By the sight of a grave

No parent should ever see.

You will wear this absence

Like a secret locket,

Always wondering why

Such a new soul

Was taken home to soon.

Let the silent tears flow

And when your eyes clear

Perhaps you will glimpse

How your eternal child

Has become the unseen angel

Who parents your heart

And persuades the moon

to send new gifts ashore.

Written by John O’Donohue and published in  “To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings”

Thank you, Jack, for all the gifts you have given me in life and in death. Loving you is an honor. I choose joy every day, and I bet that makes you proud.

XOXO, 

Mom

Love, Jack

I am crazy about the necklace Christine from No Way Out  made me:

Isn't it lovely?

It was hard to decide which handwriting sample to pick. I could have used this signature (see name tag):

Or, I could have used his extremely neat handwriting from his last day with us that said:

Jack Donaldson

September 8, 2011 

on the top of several pages in his 7th grade notebooks.

Or his sweet first grade handwriting, from a school that still teachers cursive:

Instead, I picked this messier sample of unknown origin because it cracked me up. I found it in a file folder.

I have no idea what grade he was in, but I assume he was supposed to write his parents a love note. Knowing Jack, he tried to make it his own by insisting it be only one sentence, while everyone else filled up the page. That's why I choose it.

It's so easy (for me) to get caught up in a desire for the apparent ease of conformity. It's harder to remember to love our kids for their unique qualities.

I hope Jack taught me a little bit about how to do that.

August

I've kind of lost track of time, but it appears that Baby Andrew will be 5 months old in a week or so! You are WELL OVERDUE for some new pictures, so here you go!

Hard to believe I've spent nearly 5 months wearing a hole in this couch, or doing my circuit between kitchen and living room, to lull him to sleep in the front carrier. We are doing well. I must say I don't feel older or more tired than I did 17 years ago, but maybe I just felt pretty old and tired back then.

A lot of friends are on the cusp of becoming empty-nesters right now, as I thought I would be in three years, so I think the biggest adjustment has been getting used to the idea that next 18 however many years I have left will look different than what I'd imagined. You might think I'd already grasped that, having lost Jack, but a new baby is just another re-imagining or recalibration of my expectations.

Speaking of changes: Andrew starts daycare in about 2 weeks! Yeah, you can start praying now, because we chose the FARTHER AWAY ONE since they could do part-time, whereas the close one (2 minutes away) could only do full-time. For a car-hating baby and his mom, this could be interesting. Oh, and have I told you we live in the traffic capital of the universe so every trip takes twice as long as it should?

I am looking forward to getting back to work. Some immediate goals are:

• hiring a speaker's agent 
• speaking engagements
• pitching and writing articles for magazines 
• deciding what sort of book to write next

I admit that the first few days of childcare may look a little more like:

• taking a nap
• meeting up with a friend
• scheduling some "alone time" with Tim 

These waning days of summer are usually difficult for me. 

They remind me of the last few days/weeks before Jack's accident. The first week of school is rough, too. This year the crapiversary of Jack's accident, September 8, falls on the 3rd day of school, which is also Back to School night, and Andrew's first day in childcare.  Gah.

Oh, have I mentioned this would be Jack's senior year? That feels like a lot.  

Surrender. Embrace. Live. Love.

Love you guys!

Groundhog Day

Do you ever feel like you are buying the same things over and over?

I've been doing some major culling around here, and am appalled at the volume of STUFF we have compared to the rest of the world. Having a teenage daughter and a new baby doesn't help, because both of those stages seem to be rather, um, acquisitive. Large plastic items litter the surfaces in my house, and my barely 5 ft tall girl has shown me just how expensive per square inch, little shorts can be.

I 'm proud of my reputation for being frugal. I order water at restaurants. My towels are the ones that went to college with me in 1987. Most of our furniture is from the thrift store. My Grandpa Harris would be happy, a bit more so if I could just up my twine game.

But there are some things I seem to buy again and again and again. Here are my top offenders:

1) Eyelash curlers:
I've been using eyelash curlers since 7th grade. They are made of metal, and should probably last a lifetime. Yet my teens, 20's and 30's are paved with discarded eyelash curlers. I'll buy one, carefully tuck away the extra rubber pads for safekeeping, and use it for a year or so. Then, it will start acting wonky, I won't be able to find the pads, and I'm off to buy a new one. It's only when we move, about every 5 years or so, that I find stashes of useless rubber crescents from the eyelash curlers of the past.

2) Door mats:
I buy too many of these because they hold so much promise. "Welcome to our house!" they say in their juicy summer colors, chevron patterns, or realistic fall leaves. They are like a mini-facelift for the home. A big monogrammed one makes me feel super-classy.  Until they get shmutzy, and moldy, and their message starts to say, "Stay away." I have yet to find a welcome mat that holds up to the weather, but as my many trips down the housewares aisle will attest, I won't give up trying. Oooh! Does that one have HYDRANGEAS on it?

3) Thermometers:
Nothing like been stressed about a sick child to make you go out and buy a new thermometer. "Where the hell is the thermometer? " we'll growl, stress levels rising. We even have a plastic basket in our linen closed that says THERMOMETERS on it, but at 2 in the morning, it's more like the failed thermometer graveyard. There's one that needs replacement batteries in a size I can never remember, and the Sponge Bob one that never seemed very accurate. I did find out from Tim recently that he thought when Sponge Bob played music, to indicate it was finished taking a temp, he thought "the happy music" meant you had no fever. So, I guess some of those mis-reads were human factor issues. Why do we keep the failed thermometers in the basket? I don't know. With the new baby we have a cool app-based thermometer that plugs into our cell phones! We'll see how that goes.

4) Throw pillows:
Never mind.  Throw pillows are life. You can never have too many. Kind of like buying a little bit of hope in the Target aisle.

5) Nail clippers:
I buy extra, even though I've never heard of clippers ever wearing out or being thrown away. I place them all around the house like the glasses of water in the movie M. Night Shyamalan's Signs, so that when Tim has an urgent nail clipping EMERGENCY, he doesn't freak out too much.

6)Fish Oil:
Yeah, I buy a lot of fish oil, knowing that it will lead to silky hair, a better brain, and God knows what else. Then I leave it in the cupboard until it expires, and do it all again. See also: Calcium Supplements.

I could go on. Shower Caddies, miracle eye creams, makeup brushes anyone?

So, I'm wondering if I'm the only one with wasteful habits in need of reformation!  What are you top offenders when it comes to re-buying?

Get 'er Done?

One thing about being home with a new baby is thinking about all of the things I'd like to be getting done, but that I'm thwarted from doing. I remember this well-- where the walls start closing in, and every one of them looks like it could use a new coat of paint. I know this stage won't last forever, but nothing highlights an inability to check something off a checklist than being inside the constant need cycle of an infant.

It's not as if I'm trying to do anything earth shattering. I just want to keep our house in decent shape, mail a few letters, and maybe poop alone.

Take Monday, for instance. After an epically scream-y day for Andrew, I was exhausted, but I had one goal: to rotate the area rug in our living room.

You see, last weekend, our dog Shadow peed on the one exposed spot where I play on the floor with Andrew. We cleaned it, but after 2 days in which the baby and I went to bed smelling like a mixture of Resolve, urine, wool, and despair, I couldn't take it any more.

I waited until Tim got home, and hoped that he, my visiting brother, and I could rotate the rug so that the stinky part was under the couch.

Then I saw Tim drag in after a long day at work, complaining of muscle or nerve pain in his rear. My brother limped in next, his long drive from WV having exacerbated his back and sciatic pain. I had thought of moving the couch myself during the day, while wearing the baby in a carrier, but my bum shoulders cried out in protest. We were falling apart. Once again, I realized this late-in-life parenting thing is no joke, and will probably require a whole lot of Advil and humility.

I decided to wait on the rug rotation. Instead we stood around talking about our ailments. I lent my brother my Tens machine, just like the ones used in physical therapy. And if letting your brother stick your personal sensor pads on his bare 50 year old ass isn't love, I don't know what is. His 5 year old step daughter kept trying to turn up the shock level. Too funny!

The rest of the week was much happier for Andrew, and Tim and I took care of the rug last night.

The to-do list is still long, but just look at this face:

Playing Catch-up

I've been waiting to write until I had something deep to share. Call it sleep deprivation or cuteness overload, but I'm operating solely in the here and now these days-- diapers, feedings, and baby wearing-- and can barely string two thoughts together, let alone hope for depth and meaning. Some days feel like weeks.

So how about a baby update instead?

Andrew is changing everyday! He has folds and folds of adorable baby-pudge that cry out for kisses and raspberries. He coos and has started to laugh, but you really have to earn a giggle. We do a lot of reading and singing, and his open-mouthed smile is precious. He sleeps right next to our bed in a Rock and Play, which is basically a motorized hammock of love. We quake at the thought of trying to transition him into his own room and a crib. Somehow I don't think he'll be thrilled at the proposition. 

Andrew still doesn't like to nap during the day at all (much like Margaret and Jack) so I wear him around in a baby carrier as he sleeps. Putting him in it is like a sleeping pill. My old knee is starting to protest, because he likes me to stay on the move while he's sleeping, but a rested baby and a sore knee seem preferable to a cranky baby and a cranky mom. You might say we are wrapped around his tiny little finger. Car travel and stroller rides are still not his cup of tea, so we drove through the night both to and from Connecticut last week so that he would sleep. That worked like a charm.

Picture Time: I realize that those of you who don't follow along on Facebook or Instagram might need some new baby pictures, so I aim to take care of that today! Please note: Margaret is thrilled with her baby brother, and is in lots of photos with him, but she is also a teenager who values her privacy, so that is why I don't post many of her.

More photos to come soon, as he hits the 4 MONTH MARK this week!

I also want to share the exciting news that an article I wrote, called Loss. Trust. Love. is featured in the Summer 2016 issue of Ladies Home Journal!

This is a dream come true for me. The issue is full of amazing articles, and I'm so proud to be part of it. Thank you to Dorie Howell Photography for photographing Andrew and me for the article.

Pick a copy up if you have the chance! I found mine at Food Lion, but friends have purchased them at Barnes and Noble, Costco, Wegmans, and other retailers.

As we slip into August (Jack always called it "The Sunday of Summer") I am contemplating my next steps career-wise and am finally ready to look for a speaker's agent to help me manage speaking engagements. If that's an area in which you have expertise, I would very much appreciate your advice.

That's all for now!  I hope whether you want your days to go slowly or to speed the heck up, you are doing well, Friend.