Saturday, May 7, 2011

Labor Day on Mother's Day


So I was thinking of things the kids have given me over the years, and my thoughts naturally gravitated toward hemorrhoids. And wandered from there to being in labor and pushing hard and, well, a little story.

Twelve years ago I gave birth to Jake, with Tom and my sister by my side. After 3 botched and 1 successful (thank you, God!) epidurals, I had a healthy baby and an important question for my sister's ears only.

"Uh, did I poop during labor?"

She hesitated. Not a good sign.

"Well, you did, but it was just about the size of a Chihuahua."

I threw my head back on the pillow in abject humiliation. All I could picture was the Taco Bell dog. Barely able to peer over my engorged melon-sized breasts, I held my hands about 12 inches apart and part whispered, part hissed..."Dear Lord! Are you saying I pooped the size of a Chihuahua? That's bigger than the baby!"

My sister laughed at my labor-addled brain and said,

"No! NOOOOOO! You pooped a tiny bit, about what a chihuahua would do!"

Oh.

Thank you Jesus.

And thank you, kids, for EVERYTHING you've given me these past 12 years.

Except the hemorrhoids.

15 comments:

  1. Ellen aka EllieMay 7, 2011 at 11:16 AM

    Oh my gosh, I thought so too--a dog sized pooh! But really a dog sized pooh...

    Reminds me of me not getting a colonoscopy because I was worried about pooting in front of Brad. I finally scheduled one anyway (hello, my dad had colon cancer), and then at the last minute Brad couldn't go.

    Saved! (Although he felt terrible about it, I was okay!) And they did find a polyp, so I was saved again...

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  2. LMay 7, 2011 at 11:21 AM

    LOVE THIS STORY!!!

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  3. UnknownMay 7, 2011 at 12:07 PM

    Oh my gosh, laughing out loud here. Isn't that your worst nightmare in delivery? I can take the pain, just don't let me poop!

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  4. JillMay 7, 2011 at 12:14 PM

    Oh I'm cracking up ... pooping while pushing was my biggest fear as well! Thankfully with #3 they gave me the option for an enema ... and I happily obliged! :)

    Happy birthday munchkin. And seriously - I can't bear the smell of witch hazel anymore ... because of the 'roids.

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  5. SokphalMay 7, 2011 at 12:19 PM

    These are tidbits they should share with kids in sex ed...it might be the one thing that lowers teen pregnancy! :) Hilarious story! Thanks for sharing!!!

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  6. Kate Coveny HoodMay 7, 2011 at 2:38 PM

    I totally thought she meant the size of a dog. Gross and funny. And I'm sure your kids would love for you to pull THAT one out at the neighborhood block party!

    I had that fear during my first labor (second was a c-section) and I asked the nurse telling me *how* to push, "but what if something else comes out?" Her dry, no nonsense response? "Then we'll know that you're doing it right." Alrightythen.

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  7. Brenda SusanMay 7, 2011 at 4:37 PM

    Hahahaha! You win for THE best Mom Day blog so far!! The best!

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  8. Cassie BustamanteMay 7, 2011 at 7:46 PM

    ha ha!!! tht is so funny! i asked the same question following my children's births as well. i had to know! i am told i did not... so i am told.

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  9. emilyMay 8, 2011 at 7:39 PM

    Oh my. This story has me cracking up.

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  10. HeidiMay 9, 2011 at 10:56 AM

    Hi-larious!! Happy belated Mother's Day to you, Anna!

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  11. purejoyMay 9, 2011 at 4:47 PM

    oh dear… this makes having my water break so forcefully that it was a good thing the dr turned his head otherwise he'd have gotten a mouthful seem soooo BORING in comparison! hahaha poop the size of a chihuahua?? i was like… IMPRESSIVE poop!!
    and yes. hemorrhoids. the gift that keeps on giving. they don't call kids a pain in the a*s for nothing, right? {just kidding… our kids are blessings, for sure!}

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  12. ChrisyMay 10, 2011 at 7:27 AM

    Adorable! My Reader is FULL but the Taco Bell dog hooked me. [I'm addicted to *green* bean burritos and 20 packets of mild sauce on the side.] Hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day! xo

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  13. Nichole@40daysofMay 11, 2011 at 7:30 AM

    Hilarious! You have written about one of my big child birth concerns. We'll see if I ever find out... Thanks for the laugh!

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  14. heather of the eoMay 11, 2011 at 7:38 AM

    omygoodness, that's just hilarious. I actually thought the same thing. THE SIZE OF A CHIHUAHUA? (My excuse is that my brain is currently in my uterus, making a 3rd baby)

    Anyway, I'm also here today searching around for your contact information. Maggie and I are lining up hosts (for one hour) for the Serenity Suite again this year. I don't know if you plan to go to BlogHer but we wanted to contact all hosts from last year first. so um...can you email me?
    heatheroftheeo@gmail.com
    Thank you!

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  15. AmberMay 11, 2011 at 10:07 AM

    LOVED this post!

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